New Guide

Saturday, I felt like a walking Zombie. But luckily things change, life goes on and you can snap out of it. My husband has been very nice to me since Friday night. I know something good will come out of all of this. This is where patience comes in real handy.

I was so glad the 12 step meeting was Sunday. It was so good to go. We got an updated Guide. They added Appendix's that you read also. So Instead of rotating reading the steps every 12 weeks it is now every 17 weeks, if I am understanding it correctly. So the new sections we read at meetings are:

1. Understanding the Program
2. Processing Our Emotions
3. Identifying Unhealthy Behaviors
4. Solutions For Unhealthy Behaviors
5. Loving As God Loves

Last night we started with "Understanding the Program." It was good. I'll share some of the things that I really liked/needed. 

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change?    --Elder Richard G. Scott "Trust in the Lord" Ensign Nov. 1995

I think this is so key to getting healthy. We can keep asking all the wrong questions and get more depressed. I really liked this quote. Another quote by Elder Scott:

No matter what the source of difficulty...[all] human reaction to a challenge in life that engenders hatred, despondency, distrust, anger, or revenge must be supplanted by the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son....Do what you can do a step at a time....the surest, most effective, and shortest path to healing comes through application of the teachings of Jesus Christ in your life.

I can't wait to read through everything.

Butt-Kicker Emotions

I hate to admit it but I had a major relapse yesterday. So what is a relapse for me? Letting my emotions take me to an unhealthy, miserable place. Lately I've been really good about catching myself before it gets too bad. Yesterday, it was not the case.

So what is a butt-kicker emotion. These are emotions that trigger me into the spiral down to despair so to speak. They can be different for everyone. My top four butt-kicker emotions are:

1. Unloved
2. Powerlessness
3. Inadequacy
4. Unappreciated

Yesterday it was feeling unloved by my spouse. I don't know why it hit me so hard yesterday like it did. I  know, in my head, he doesn't feel love for me. I guess yesterday it hit me in the heart. I was vulnerable and went  to talk to my husband about his feelings. He has been withdrawing more the past two months or so, so I asked him about it. This was a mistake. I need to guard my heart more.

So my emotion of feeling unloved started taking over my body so to speak. So finally last night I pulled out  my survival notebook I made while doing LifeStar and went over it. In my book I have pictures that make me smile, quotes that lift my spirits, a letter I wrote to God during one of my 12 steps, "My Measuring Stick, and my "Emotional Folders," and some other miscellaneous stuff.  I read through my Unloved Emotional Folder and started feeling a little better. 

This is what I have on my Unloved page:

1. Negative Self Talk 

     What negative stuff have I been telling myself like 

•  I'm not good enough to be loved.
•  I don't deserve to be loved.
• Nobody loves  me.

2. I feel: then how am I feeling at that moment:

•  lonely, rejected, worthless, sad, regret

3. Healthy Self Talk: Now I feed myself healthy talk to replace the  negative. 

• God will always love me, no matter what! 
• I may not be good at everything, but I am good enough for God to love me.
• Everybody deserves to be loved.

4. What can I learn from this feeling?

• I'm relying on others to make me feel loved.
• I'm still not in a healthy place.

5.What am I going to do based on these lessons to cope in this moment?

• Take time out for myself. I made me cocoa and popcorn and watched a movie.
• I have other things listed but just did the above last night.

6. How does this help me in future situations?

• All of  my emotions seem to tie in together, with this being my major butt-kicker. I need to realize that I don't need to feel loved by others to be loved or worth loving.

Usually I catch myself with the negative talk and replace it with positive talk. And tell myself I'm relying on others to feel loved and that God loves  me know matter what. However, if I don't catch myself and I'm feeling vulnerable, watch out there I go.