I think my biggest enemy is myself

My thoughts can drive me crazy. Within a matter of minutes I can have a thought and my mind runs with it. I can make something little blow out of proportion and the end of the world is coming or on the flip side decide that everything is going to be a bed of roses. I have to say, things used to be more often than not on the negative side. However, when I am taking care of myself they tend to be more positive.

I love this quote: " We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond. When we place blame for our actions on others or circumstances that we find ourselves in, we can never gain the strngth to change."  Elder L. Lionel Kendrick 
"Strength During Struggles" Ensign, Oct. 2001

I used to blame my unhappiness on my husband. Well that didn't make me happy. I needed to take responsibility for my own actions and my own happiness. Once I started doing this (Thank you twelve steps and counseling) I started to feel better. Things started to go better. Is it perfect. No way, but geting better all the time.

My Unmanageable Thoughts and Behaviors

"Our own thoughts and behaviors have become unmanageable." (From step 1)
When I first read this a year and a half ago, I wondered 'what are they talking about?'
But then I stopped and seriously took a look at myself. Which is always the hardest thing for me to do, to take inventory of myself and see that I'm not perfect.
Some of my "unmanageable thoughts and behaviors" were:

• If I were thinner then he would love me.
• He is late, he must be looking at porn. So I couldn't sleep, then I would call him etc. This area was my most unmanageable. I became exhausted.
• Checking the home computer history.
• Wishing I wasn't married to him.
• Maybe if I had sex more he would stop.
• Wanting to control my husband.
• Focusing on his negative qualities.

Well I realized all I was doing was driving myself crazy. It wasn't helping him at all but probably making it worse.

I could be skinny as a rail and it wouldn't make him love me. Even if that is what he said.

Ya he is late a lot, 3 or 4am or later. Yes sometimes he is looking at porn, not always. Time of day doesn't matter when it comes to looking at porn. I needed to take care of myself and get some sleep. I had other people depending on me. I don't want to let them down. I recently set a boundary here to help me more with this. If he isn't home by midnight he will find his pillow and toothbrush outside the locked bedroom door. I'm tired of being woke up when I finally do get to sleep. So far he has been home by midnight.

I don't check the home computer history. He hardly uses it and it took too much of my energy.

I have been praying to love my husband and to see the good in him for over a year now and I will say it has really worked. I don't wish either of us was somewhere else now. I stopped looking and dwelling on his faults. I truly love him. I pray for his success. This has probably helped me more than anything else. I see the wisdom now of Christ saying "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Matthew 5:44

Once I stopped focusing on him and his problems and started focusing on my problems, I started to heal.