Feelings

Wow, I haven't been on for over a month. I have been working on the steps for myself, though just not making the time to write about it. The past month or so I have been working on the workbook, "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, " by Colleen C. Harrison. She was addicted to food and perfectionism and wrote it to go along with the twelve step program. It has a scripture study that go along with each section. Some thought provoking questions that go along with various scriptures. It has given me new things to think about. It is work though. I'm filling up a notebook. My husband agreed to read and do the work in it. We will see.

We go another draft of the twelve steps last week. This one is much smaller 39 pages. I will have to compare it. I have saved all of the rough drafts so far. There are things I like from each of them. No more Serenity Prayer. I really liked saying that each week it gave me peace. That I know I will miss. They titled Step 1 as Honesty instead of Awareness.

I like the start of Step 1 where it talks about how we sometimes feel controlled by some of our feelings, such as:

• Fear that our addicted loved one would never get better and fear of the real possibility that he or she may even die physically as well as spiritually.
• Helpless to  prevent the harm our addicted loved one might do to others around them, especially children.
• Bitterness, resentment, and alarm over financial challenges as we dealt with excessive spending, treatment programs, legal expenses, fines, and destruction of property.
• Physical weariness as sleeplessness, stress, and anxiety took a toll on our health.
• Confusion as to why our loved ones were behaving so irrationally and why nothing we said or did seemed to make any difference.
• Shame, isolation, and hopelessness as we took responsibility for our loved ones' choices and tried to protect others from knowing what was happening. 
• Sorrow that baptism and temple covenants may be irreparable broken and eternal family ties severed.
• Anxiety that our loved ones' continued addiction somehow reflected our inability to access God's help in their behalf.
• Exhaustion at constantly reacting to the emotional upheaval in our family.

This new twelve step guide is written for all addictions so some of it doesn't fully apply to me, but I could relate with pretty much all of these feelings. When someone new comes to support group, I am reminded of when I first went several years ago. You feel so many feelings that you haven't even identified and and scared to be there, and angry that you are. We feel that we shouldn't have to be there. It isn't our addiction. We don't need to be fixed. If they keep coming back they realize that everyone has need to be "fixed" in someway. They eventually will find peace. I love the twelve steps! They have really saved my sanity. I am at peace even though things in my life are not stable. I'm sleeping better than I have for over ten years. True-fully these steps could benefit everybody.

Have a great weekend!

Draw Near Unto Me

I really like this new manual for the 12 step program. The study and understanding section is really good. Right now I am working on  the "Draw near unto me" section of step three.

He does not promise that it will be an easy journey, but he does promise that the necessary assistance and guidance will be available. He has said, 'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." (D &C 88:63)  President Hugh B. Brown

The the questions are:

• What can I do to diligently seek my Heavenly Father and my Savior?
• How can I come to believe that whatever I ask, I will receive according to His will?

Right  now I'm tearing the scripture apart to understand it better. I really like the Topical Guide in the Bible. I'm reading the section God, Access to God. It is really informative reading the scriptures and what provides access to God and what doesn't. A couple of my favorites so far are, 2 Chronicles 15:4 and Jeremiah 29:13.

I feel such a peace when I study the scriptures.

I like the new Mormon Message.

I am not my Savior.

I don't think that I understood the Atonement much before going through the 12 Step program. I am still working on understanding it actually. One thing I have got down is, I need the Savior. I can't make it back to God on my own. I can't even make it through the day without him.

Deep down I knew I needed him, but then I forgot about him helping me and I tried to do everything on my own. I need his mercy and his grace just to survive. I tried to do everything on my own. No wonder I was exhausted. The worst thing is the example that this set for my kids. At least I still have some home, they can see the change.

One thing I needed to accept before I could heal was that I needed help. I have always been independent and never wanted help from anybody. So it was even hard to admit I needed healing in the first place. But when your life feels so out of control you don't want to be a participant  in it anymore, maybe a viewer from afar, well then you need help. So I've turned my life over to God. I'm trying to listen to him as to what he wants me to do this time around. I've turned my kids over to him. I can't control what they do anymore.  I've turned my husband over to him. I can't control him that's for sure or he  would have been cured years ago. I will say for a control freak like me, this was hard. Admitting  I couldn't do everything. But could there be anybody better to turn it over to?

I'm just so glad he will let me repent and try again. I would hate for him to make my mistakes, mark me for life like the scarlet letter. I want to change and grow and he will let me. In fact, he encourages it. I wish everyone was like that, never reminding me of my mistakes. Heck I wish I was that way. I remember them and have a hard time sometimes letting them go. But I can't heal when I do that.

So step one, I accept the truth and reality that I am powerless over my spouses addiction and that as a result of my emotional responses toward their addiction, my thoughts and behaviors had become unmanageable. Now I'm ready to move to step two.