I am not my Savior.

I don't think that I understood the Atonement much before going through the 12 Step program. I am still working on understanding it actually. One thing I have got down is, I need the Savior. I can't make it back to God on my own. I can't even make it through the day without him.

Deep down I knew I needed him, but then I forgot about him helping me and I tried to do everything on my own. I need his mercy and his grace just to survive. I tried to do everything on my own. No wonder I was exhausted. The worst thing is the example that this set for my kids. At least I still have some home, they can see the change.

One thing I needed to accept before I could heal was that I needed help. I have always been independent and never wanted help from anybody. So it was even hard to admit I needed healing in the first place. But when your life feels so out of control you don't want to be a participant  in it anymore, maybe a viewer from afar, well then you need help. So I've turned my life over to God. I'm trying to listen to him as to what he wants me to do this time around. I've turned my kids over to him. I can't control what they do anymore.  I've turned my husband over to him. I can't control him that's for sure or he  would have been cured years ago. I will say for a control freak like me, this was hard. Admitting  I couldn't do everything. But could there be anybody better to turn it over to?

I'm just so glad he will let me repent and try again. I would hate for him to make my mistakes, mark me for life like the scarlet letter. I want to change and grow and he will let me. In fact, he encourages it. I wish everyone was like that, never reminding me of my mistakes. Heck I wish I was that way. I remember them and have a hard time sometimes letting them go. But I can't heal when I do that.

So step one, I accept the truth and reality that I am powerless over my spouses addiction and that as a result of my emotional responses toward their addiction, my thoughts and behaviors had become unmanageable. Now I'm ready to move to step two.

12 Step Program for Spouses of Pornography Addicts

Why did I start going to a 12 step group? Actually I never would have even thought to look for a group. I didn't know they existed. My husband went to a 12 step group for addicts and he brought home the information for me and suggested that I go. I'm so glad he did.

It took me a couple of weeks to get up the nerve to go. I was scared to death. I had thought I would always be alone in my struggle of living with a porn addict. I wasn't going to tell anyone of my husbands addiction.  I didn't want to be judged I guess. I was hurting so much that I didn't think anything or anyone would be able to help or that nobody would be able to relate. Now I realize how silly I was. Everyone there, was there because their husband had an addiction too.

It was good to finally have a safe place to go. A place where others knew somewhat of the struggles I was facing. Also, most importantly, to have a program that truly is inspired of God. The 12 steps are basically, breaking the atonement down to manageable size pieces in order to apply it to my life. I credit it for saving my life, or I guess really giving me a new, improved life. Before I really started working the steps,  I was tired of living. It was too hard. I didn't see any point any more. But I was so wrong.

I encourage every woman that is living with a pornography addict to find a group in your area. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed these steps to help bring balance, peace and normalcy into my life. Hopefully it will help you too.