I am not my Savior.

I don't think that I understood the Atonement much before going through the 12 Step program. I am still working on understanding it actually. One thing I have got down is, I need the Savior. I can't make it back to God on my own. I can't even make it through the day without him.

Deep down I knew I needed him, but then I forgot about him helping me and I tried to do everything on my own. I need his mercy and his grace just to survive. I tried to do everything on my own. No wonder I was exhausted. The worst thing is the example that this set for my kids. At least I still have some home, they can see the change.

One thing I needed to accept before I could heal was that I needed help. I have always been independent and never wanted help from anybody. So it was even hard to admit I needed healing in the first place. But when your life feels so out of control you don't want to be a participant  in it anymore, maybe a viewer from afar, well then you need help. So I've turned my life over to God. I'm trying to listen to him as to what he wants me to do this time around. I've turned my kids over to him. I can't control what they do anymore.  I've turned my husband over to him. I can't control him that's for sure or he  would have been cured years ago. I will say for a control freak like me, this was hard. Admitting  I couldn't do everything. But could there be anybody better to turn it over to?

I'm just so glad he will let me repent and try again. I would hate for him to make my mistakes, mark me for life like the scarlet letter. I want to change and grow and he will let me. In fact, he encourages it. I wish everyone was like that, never reminding me of my mistakes. Heck I wish I was that way. I remember them and have a hard time sometimes letting them go. But I can't heal when I do that.

So step one, I accept the truth and reality that I am powerless over my spouses addiction and that as a result of my emotional responses toward their addiction, my thoughts and behaviors had become unmanageable. Now I'm ready to move to step two.

Goals

One of my goals for 2011 is to work through the 12 step program for spouses of sex addicts. last year I finished working through them for the first time and it had taken me one and a half years. This time I'm working one step a month. I figure this is something I will need to do for the rest of my life to become who I want to be.

Step 1:  "Accept the truth and reality that we are powerless over our loved ones' addiction, and that as a result of our emotional responses towards their addiction, our own thoughts and behaviours have become unmanageable."

This was hard for a control freak like me to admit. I couldn't change my husband? No, I couldn't change anybody but me, for that matter. I like being in control. So the first part of this step for me is to let go of the feeling I need to fix everything and everybody. That is just too much pressure for one person. Yet I had willingly put it on myself for years. I had really thought I could control what others became. How sad is that? I learned that I was co-dependent.

This step was the beginning of freedom. Just reminding myself, I'm only responsible for my actions, not my husbands, my kids, not one other living soul.