Self-esteem, What's That?

When I found out about my husband viewing pornography, I would say my self-esteem, plummeted to almost zero. This addiction is hard to not take personal. I still fight with that as you will see when I write "my story." (I'm working on this, it will be up this week.) However, a healthy self-esteem is something we need to help us heal and to help others.

 So how do I work on it? This has been hard for me especially since I haven't received much positive anything from my spouse. The place I have found the most help is from God. In my prayers, which seem anymore to be almost constant, from my scripture study and positive readings that I have to fill my head with. My daughter in college found a quote she emailed me and I typed it up and have it hanging on my mirror in the bathroom. I read it daily and it reminds me that it is okay to work on me. So I thought I would share.

"Since self-esteem controls ultimately our ability to love God, to love others, and to love life, nothing is more central than our need to build justifiable self-esteem. Self Contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven."  --Neal A. Maxwell

I read this and it reminds me not to let Satan win another battle in my life. I know he wants me to be negative and not like myself. What good am I to anybody when I'm like that? I've lived like that for far too long and I'm not going to any longer. Sure I will have moments, okay days, where I will feel like I've been run over by the bulldozer of negativity. But I will no longer stay there. I will fight back to keep my thoughts above ground. I realize now this is war. A literal war I feel Satan is waging within my family. I will not let him win!

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up in a very conservative, christian home. Sex was not something ever talked about. This little girl thought if she was a very good little girl she would marry her prince and live happily ever after. Reality Check! That isn't how life works. Darn, but then it would be too easy. Where would the challenge be. But one can dream.

I've been married to my "prince" for over 20 years now. Around fifteen or sixteen years ago I discovered my husband was looking at pornography. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I had found the porn under our bedroom mattress. I can still see the image of that first picture I found and I feel sick.

I felt alone. I couldn't talk to anybody about this. Who would understand and not judge us. So I withdrew inside myself. I didn't reach out to be friends with anyone. They couldn't find out our secret.  I didn't want to be judged. I was all alone. Then a year and a half ago I found a support group for spouses of porn addicts. They were a 12 step support group. It saved my life. That along with some counseling.

Step 12 is why I'm starting this blog. If anyone out in this big cyber world  finds this blog and has a spouse with an addiction. Maybe they can find some support and hope here. This experience has been a refiners fire for me. It has helped me get to know myself, change things that need changing and accept things that need to be accepted for what they were. I have gotten closer to God than I would have ever done without this trial. That alone has made it worth it. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But good things do come from bad and miracles still happen.

I'm remaining annonymous. Only a couple of my children know about their fathers addiction. None of our extended family and none of our friends. I want to keep it that way right now.  So lets call me Belle. From my favorite Disney Princess of Beauty and the Beast. My spouse will be the Beast until he is free from the chains of his pornography addiction, then he will become my prince again. Later I will post more of my story. Fill free to share yours. It's nice to know we are not alone. First names only.