I'm Out

Yesterday I was at a friends and somehow during the conversation she asked if my husband had a problem with pornography. I felt as if I was kicked in the stomach and lost all the air inside of me. I said yes. This is the first person outside of my Bishops, counseling and group I have told. I felt a little bit of relief, someone now I can really be myself with and fear. What will she think of me and my family now. All my shameful feelings come flooding into my body uncontrolled. I had to take another look at me and where I am and where I want to go. I feel it was the right thing to do. So I'll let go of my fear and focus on trusting God.

This goes nicely with the 7th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

7. I can learn to let go of my negative emotions and efforts to control, rescue or shame so that I will quit harming myself and others around me through destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest ones for me to work on. My negative emotions, thoughts have been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time thinking good about myself. My Mom always was down on herself and my Dad. So negative thinking is one of my earliest memories. Which scares me. Are my kids just going to remember me for being negative? I hope not. Well at least I have a  chance with the youngest.

This morning I was reading in "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and she quoted one lady: "I want people to be like  me, so I can feel safer, acknowledged, and affirmed. To me, recovery is about feeling safe with myself."  That hit me. Was that why I had wanted my kids to be like me? To feel validated? To feel safe? The subconscious can do things we aren't aware of. I've been working on this for a while. But I have to really work at it and remind myself all the time. Let go and let God.

Love Dare Day 13--Love Fights Fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "Fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

I wrote my rules, because I intend to go by them in addition to any if any, we establish as a couple. So I'll share.

• I will not yell.
• I will listen to try to understand what he is really saying. Ask questions to clarify.
• I will make sure I'm not working on pride. Is my opinion necessary for me to attain my spiritual goals? is is worth the "fight?"
• I will take a time out if I don't feel emotionally safe. Then I will do what I  need to feel emotionally strong then go back and address the issue. I will make sure he understands I need a time out and will set a time to come back. 

I actually have been doing these things the past few months and it has made things much nicer. But now I've written it down so I can see what I am doing.

Yesterdays dare didn't get to test it. Didn't really see my husband all day. So no disagreement. I will say he came home fixed dinner brought it up to our room at 11:58pm so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. That's progress of sorts. 

Have a great day!

Self-esteem, What's That?

When I found out about my husband viewing pornography, I would say my self-esteem, plummeted to almost zero. This addiction is hard to not take personal. I still fight with that as you will see when I write "my story." (I'm working on this, it will be up this week.) However, a healthy self-esteem is something we need to help us heal and to help others.

 So how do I work on it? This has been hard for me especially since I haven't received much positive anything from my spouse. The place I have found the most help is from God. In my prayers, which seem anymore to be almost constant, from my scripture study and positive readings that I have to fill my head with. My daughter in college found a quote she emailed me and I typed it up and have it hanging on my mirror in the bathroom. I read it daily and it reminds me that it is okay to work on me. So I thought I would share.

"Since self-esteem controls ultimately our ability to love God, to love others, and to love life, nothing is more central than our need to build justifiable self-esteem. Self Contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven."  --Neal A. Maxwell

I read this and it reminds me not to let Satan win another battle in my life. I know he wants me to be negative and not like myself. What good am I to anybody when I'm like that? I've lived like that for far too long and I'm not going to any longer. Sure I will have moments, okay days, where I will feel like I've been run over by the bulldozer of negativity. But I will no longer stay there. I will fight back to keep my thoughts above ground. I realize now this is war. A literal war I feel Satan is waging within my family. I will not let him win!