Peace

Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since I had written. My husband moved out of our room and issued a challenge to me etc. So I have been focusing of things other than the blog. I have to say I have slept much better since he moved out. I don't know how much of it is because he isn't in our room, or because I am learning to trust God on a whole new level.

My new favorite scripture is Alma 37:37:

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for ^bgood; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the ^cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I read this every night before I go to bed and think about it every morning. I  like the word counsel. That isn't telling God what to do but asking for advise then taking it, because he directs me for my good. Every night I tell him he can have my worries and I go to sleep. I haven't slept this good for probably ten years or so. This past month, I have really gotten to know God loves me. That has made it easier to trust him I think. I know that he will be with me no matter what happens. I know that what needs to happen will happen. I am now more dependent on him than ever. I am listening better to the spirit. I feel at peace. Who knew that by having you life turned upside down that you can find real peace. But I do and I feel calm. God loves me, what more do I need?

Happily Ever After

Yesterday while I was driving to the temple I had an overwhelming peace come over me. I knew I could be happy and that I would be okay, no matter what my husband did, didn't do, believed or didn't believe. I know me, what I think feel, did or didn't do or believe. His beliefs are his problem. It felt so good. If I can keep that feeling it would be easy. But life isn't easy so I will try to keep that experience for when I need it in the future.

The quote today from Step Three:

"We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own 'happily ever after.' The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness....All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan."  President Dieter F. Uchtdort

There is again, trust in God. Why do we have such a hard time trusting God. He is perfect, we aren't. Wouldn't it make sense to trust someone who doesn't make mistakes? But we don't at first. We have to keep falling on our faces before we admit that maybe we don't know what we are doing. Then we wonder why our kids don't listen to us and learn from our mistakes. We make our life harder than it needs to be by insisting that we do things our way first.

I finished a book today The Lessons of Love by Melody Beattie it was an interesting book. A quick read. It was about how she had a big loss her son died and how she almost died of a broken heart and how she rediscovered her  passion for life again. Realizing that all the hard times were teaching her about love. I related to it on the level of mourning for a marriage I wanted that won't get. Wanting to die because I felt life was just to hard and was pointless. But then realizing it wasn't just about me. My kids needed me. I needed to find me. To learn to find joy and love. I'm still a work in progress, but I am not in the dark place I used to be. I'm working on my 'happily ever after.'

Prideful, Me?

I've been thinking about pride alot lately. I've decided it may be the key to any healing in either ours or our spouses recovery. Think about it, as long as we are prideful we can't be humble. If we aren't humble we can't honestly admit our thoughts and behaviors have become unmanageable. We can't honestly evaluate what we need to change about ourselves, because we aren't honestly looking at who we really are and what we have become. Maybe we are seeing ourselves better than our spouses. After all we aren't the one with that awful addiction. We must be better then them. Well that is pride.

I honestly don't know what I found so appealing about pride that I held onto it for so long. It isn't comforting. It didn't bring me peace, joy or happiness. It actually caused anger and frustration. I'm wondering if it can be a little addicting itself?

It was so painful for me to admit my faults to myself let alone anyone else. It took me a while to come to terms with who I really was as opposed to who I thought I was. It hurt. I mourned and then I started getting help and healing. The good new is that it gets easier and easier to admit my failings and that I don't know everything and that I need God. He knows me better than I do and it's time to let him take the lead.