I'm Out

Yesterday I was at a friends and somehow during the conversation she asked if my husband had a problem with pornography. I felt as if I was kicked in the stomach and lost all the air inside of me. I said yes. This is the first person outside of my Bishops, counseling and group I have told. I felt a little bit of relief, someone now I can really be myself with and fear. What will she think of me and my family now. All my shameful feelings come flooding into my body uncontrolled. I had to take another look at me and where I am and where I want to go. I feel it was the right thing to do. So I'll let go of my fear and focus on trusting God.

This goes nicely with the 7th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

7. I can learn to let go of my negative emotions and efforts to control, rescue or shame so that I will quit harming myself and others around me through destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest ones for me to work on. My negative emotions, thoughts have been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time thinking good about myself. My Mom always was down on herself and my Dad. So negative thinking is one of my earliest memories. Which scares me. Are my kids just going to remember me for being negative? I hope not. Well at least I have a  chance with the youngest.

This morning I was reading in "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and she quoted one lady: "I want people to be like  me, so I can feel safer, acknowledged, and affirmed. To me, recovery is about feeling safe with myself."  That hit me. Was that why I had wanted my kids to be like me? To feel validated? To feel safe? The subconscious can do things we aren't aware of. I've been working on this for a while. But I have to really work at it and remind myself all the time. Let go and let God.

Love Dare Day 13--Love Fights Fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "Fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

I wrote my rules, because I intend to go by them in addition to any if any, we establish as a couple. So I'll share.

• I will not yell.
• I will listen to try to understand what he is really saying. Ask questions to clarify.
• I will make sure I'm not working on pride. Is my opinion necessary for me to attain my spiritual goals? is is worth the "fight?"
• I will take a time out if I don't feel emotionally safe. Then I will do what I  need to feel emotionally strong then go back and address the issue. I will make sure he understands I need a time out and will set a time to come back. 

I actually have been doing these things the past few months and it has made things much nicer. But now I've written it down so I can see what I am doing.

Yesterdays dare didn't get to test it. Didn't really see my husband all day. So no disagreement. I will say he came home fixed dinner brought it up to our room at 11:58pm so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. That's progress of sorts. 

Have a great day!

Vulnerability My Problem?

Last night I watched  this YouTube video my husband was told about. It was very thought provoking. It is by Brene (Sorry don't know how to put that mark over the e.)  Brown talking about shame, fear, connection and vulnerability and what it takes to be wholehearted. I have felt a lot of shame about my past and having a husband with an addiction. With that comes fear, fear I will never be good enough, fear that people will find out about his addiction, fear they will judge me, etc. I have lots of fears. I have been letting them go, but they have been there a long while. She made an interesting statement that the less you talk about shame the more you have. This I can understand. Once I talked about my life, all its imperfections, I started to heal. I started to learn to understand myself. So this part made sense.

Then she said that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love, or something to that effect. I have to say I hate feeling vulnerable. I like feeling in control and you can't be in control and be vulnerable at the same time. But you know she may be right. Because I didn't want to be vulnerable in my marriage maybe that is part of  our problem. I don't have any real close friends, again I think its because I don't  want to feel vulnerable. But because of this I know I am missing out on something good.

Anyway this is giving me food for thought. So here you can watch and see what you think. Let me know your thoughts.