Worthy Of His Love

I've been out of town for a couple of weeks, which has given me time to think. It came to my attention how dependent I was on my husbands happiness for my own. Not a healthy place to be. Granted it is better now than in the past, but still room for improvement. That co-dependent part of me that seems to be hard to let go. Maybe I had put him as the center of my life instead of God. Big mistake. This is something I'm going to be working on this month.

I listened to a song last night from a recovery cd my husband has. I really liked the words to the song for step 12 Worthy of Love. Link You can go here to listen to the song. Sometimes we forget we are worthy of our Heavenly Fathers love, no matter what.

Personal Relationships

Be careful what you pray for you might get it. I've been praying to be shown all my character weaknesses so I can work on eliminating them. So what has happened? I've been shown some of my character weaknesses. Mercifully, not all at once. Seeing my flaws is not what I would call a good time. But it was what I wanted right? Maybe? So I am making some progress on Step Four. As for being more regular on my blog I  haven't been so good. Since the weather has been nice I've needed to be in the yard pulling my lovely weeds and my husband has been working from home which always throws me for a loop. I'm glad this month is almost over. I'm hoping May will be better. So on to Step Four.

Evaluating Our Personal Relationships.
This week I've decided that I hardly know who my husband really is. He has hidden so much of himself from me and still does, that when I discover things I feel like I've been sharing my life with a complete stranger. I wonder if I will ever really know him? Being the co-dependent that I am, doing Step Four helps me to evaluate how my emotions  control my thoughts relative to my relationships with members of my family and others. If I notice a pattern of fear, negative thinking etc. I can work on changing it. I used to drive myself crazy with some of my negative thinking. I'm getting better, but this week I realized I still have a ways to go. The guide offers some questions to help.

1. Do I mainly focus on the behaviors of others?
2. Do I try to rescue others from the consequences of their addictive behavior?
3. Do I seek to point out the faults of others in order to control them or to make myself feel better?
4. Are any of these behaviors linked to unresolved issues from my past?
5. Where have I let self-will (wanting things to turn out the way I was sure would be best) take over and drive me to  be controlling and maybe even cruel or abusive to another person?
6. Where have I let self-pity overcome me with despair? Do I allow myself to create victim thinking patterns and blame others for my current state of unhappiness?
7. Where and when have I acted or even just felt self-righteous towards another?
8. What thoughts and feelings of judgment concerning others increase feelings of resentment?
9. What thoughts and emotions concerning the behaviors of others has been the source of my desire to fix and control someone else?
10. What situations in my life have I allowed to control me and my peace because of the way I have reacted towards others?

Wow, these are great thought provoking questions. Now I have even more to think about as I go pull weeds. Have a great day!

I'm Out

Yesterday I was at a friends and somehow during the conversation she asked if my husband had a problem with pornography. I felt as if I was kicked in the stomach and lost all the air inside of me. I said yes. This is the first person outside of my Bishops, counseling and group I have told. I felt a little bit of relief, someone now I can really be myself with and fear. What will she think of me and my family now. All my shameful feelings come flooding into my body uncontrolled. I had to take another look at me and where I am and where I want to go. I feel it was the right thing to do. So I'll let go of my fear and focus on trusting God.

This goes nicely with the 7th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

7. I can learn to let go of my negative emotions and efforts to control, rescue or shame so that I will quit harming myself and others around me through destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest ones for me to work on. My negative emotions, thoughts have been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time thinking good about myself. My Mom always was down on herself and my Dad. So negative thinking is one of my earliest memories. Which scares me. Are my kids just going to remember me for being negative? I hope not. Well at least I have a  chance with the youngest.

This morning I was reading in "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and she quoted one lady: "I want people to be like  me, so I can feel safer, acknowledged, and affirmed. To me, recovery is about feeling safe with myself."  That hit me. Was that why I had wanted my kids to be like me? To feel validated? To feel safe? The subconscious can do things we aren't aware of. I've been working on this for a while. But I have to really work at it and remind myself all the time. Let go and let God.

Love Dare Day 13--Love Fights Fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "Fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

I wrote my rules, because I intend to go by them in addition to any if any, we establish as a couple. So I'll share.

• I will not yell.
• I will listen to try to understand what he is really saying. Ask questions to clarify.
• I will make sure I'm not working on pride. Is my opinion necessary for me to attain my spiritual goals? is is worth the "fight?"
• I will take a time out if I don't feel emotionally safe. Then I will do what I  need to feel emotionally strong then go back and address the issue. I will make sure he understands I need a time out and will set a time to come back. 

I actually have been doing these things the past few months and it has made things much nicer. But now I've written it down so I can see what I am doing.

Yesterdays dare didn't get to test it. Didn't really see my husband all day. So no disagreement. I will say he came home fixed dinner brought it up to our room at 11:58pm so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. That's progress of sorts. 

Have a great day!