Day 29: Love's Motivation

Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I Love You," then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person--unconditionally, the way he loves both of you.

This is a thought provoking dare. What motivates me to love my husband? Is it my husband? Sometimes, but a lot of the time it has been the complete opposite, so I can't rely on that motivation. Love out of duty? I did that for a while but that doesn't last long enough to have a marriage. I need a love motivated by God. I usually pray to love my husband, to see him as God sees him and that has been a miracle in my life. I have been able to see the great things about my husband and hold onto that in the tough times.

We love our children, even when they make very bad choices. We may not trust them, but we love them. This we must do with our husbands. Love them, they have lost our trust through their actions and lies but that they will have to earn back. But they shouldn't have to earn our love. God loves us unconditionally, both of us. Since I'm not perfect, that's why I have to pray for his help to love. The great thing is, he has given it to me. A gift.

"Love Intercedes"

Yesterday was a nice day. Weather was great, church was good family time enjoyable and PASG group meeting was good. We missed all who weren't there.

Happy Valentines Day! Last year my husband had a bouquet of flowers delivered. I was totally shocked. So unlike him. The fact that he planned ahead, shocking. Which was a good thing because he had an accident before Valentines day and had to have surgery so he wouldn't of been able to go get anything. I really think it was another tender mercy from God. Reminding me he is aware of me and loves me. Today my husband said he will do dinner so I am just going to do dessert. Yea!

The 10th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing:

     10.  I can avoid setting my own expectations about the future that negatively influence my emotional and spiritual health. I trust the future to God. 

This is another tough one. I have a tendency to have high expectations for people including myself and since I can't control anyone but myself. These expectations aren't met with real frequency. Which then leads to a myriad of negative feelings and emotions, which in turn effects my spiritual health. So I had to stop. I was driving myself crazy. I had to accept that my timeline isn't God's, so it isn't the best. I had to learn to trust. That is hard when people you thought you could trust completely let you down. Then I questioned why did God have me marry this man etc.. I had to start to trust again. Who better to start trusting than God. He is perfect and all knowing. So I started with him. I feel a peace now that things will work out the way they are supposed to, whatever that is, if I do what I know I am supposed to do. That no matter what happens, I will be okay. That is such a peaceful thought. I didn't used to feel that. I felt my life was complete chaos and I was sinking in a quagmire of despair.
So for me trusting God was freeing.

So trusting God makes today's Love Dare much easier.

Day 16: Love Intercedes

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

I like the idea of praying for his heart. Frankly I believe the only way for him to beat his addiction is to have a change of heart. That is the only thing that is going to help him to hang on when it is tough and give him the strength to endure. When he is trying to do it himself, he will fail. He has. I don't know how  many times he has tried to break this addiction, countless. He needs God's help.  I have been praying and asking Heavenly Father to help him in the ways that he needs. Today I will pray for a change of heart among other things. I do believe in miracles. I've been seeing them along the way. I just wanted a big one right away. But now I know that wouldn't of helped me, or him.

I'm Out

Yesterday I was at a friends and somehow during the conversation she asked if my husband had a problem with pornography. I felt as if I was kicked in the stomach and lost all the air inside of me. I said yes. This is the first person outside of my Bishops, counseling and group I have told. I felt a little bit of relief, someone now I can really be myself with and fear. What will she think of me and my family now. All my shameful feelings come flooding into my body uncontrolled. I had to take another look at me and where I am and where I want to go. I feel it was the right thing to do. So I'll let go of my fear and focus on trusting God.

This goes nicely with the 7th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

7. I can learn to let go of my negative emotions and efforts to control, rescue or shame so that I will quit harming myself and others around me through destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest ones for me to work on. My negative emotions, thoughts have been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time thinking good about myself. My Mom always was down on herself and my Dad. So negative thinking is one of my earliest memories. Which scares me. Are my kids just going to remember me for being negative? I hope not. Well at least I have a  chance with the youngest.

This morning I was reading in "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and she quoted one lady: "I want people to be like  me, so I can feel safer, acknowledged, and affirmed. To me, recovery is about feeling safe with myself."  That hit me. Was that why I had wanted my kids to be like me? To feel validated? To feel safe? The subconscious can do things we aren't aware of. I've been working on this for a while. But I have to really work at it and remind myself all the time. Let go and let God.

Love Dare Day 13--Love Fights Fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "Fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

I wrote my rules, because I intend to go by them in addition to any if any, we establish as a couple. So I'll share.

• I will not yell.
• I will listen to try to understand what he is really saying. Ask questions to clarify.
• I will make sure I'm not working on pride. Is my opinion necessary for me to attain my spiritual goals? is is worth the "fight?"
• I will take a time out if I don't feel emotionally safe. Then I will do what I  need to feel emotionally strong then go back and address the issue. I will make sure he understands I need a time out and will set a time to come back. 

I actually have been doing these things the past few months and it has made things much nicer. But now I've written it down so I can see what I am doing.

Yesterdays dare didn't get to test it. Didn't really see my husband all day. So no disagreement. I will say he came home fixed dinner brought it up to our room at 11:58pm so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. That's progress of sorts. 

Have a great day!