This is my journey through my “refiner’s fire” in dealing with my husband’s pornography addiction. I hope it can be a support for other women to know you are not alone.
In my scripture study today I was reading in Jacob 2. Verse five really struck me.
But behold, hearken ye unto me, and know that by the help of the all-powerful Creator of heaven and earth I can tell you concerning your athoughts, how that ye are beginning to labor in sin, which sin appeareth very abominable unto me, yea, and abominable unto God.
Our sins start with our thoughts. I know when I get depressed and down it all begins with my thoughts. My husband gets sucked into his addiction with his thoughts. I need to control my thoughts instead of my thoughts controlling me. My mantra for the day.
Day 30: Love Brings Unity
Isolate one area of division in your marriage and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.
A lot of these dares tell us to pray, which I think is a good thing. I believe prayer transforms a person. These dares may not make a difference in my husbands thinking but they do make a difference in mine. Prayer can help bring our eyes into focus.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Day 29: Love's Motivation
Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I Love You," then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person--unconditionally, the way he loves both of you.
This is a thought provoking dare. What motivates me to love my husband? Is it my husband? Sometimes, but a lot of the time it has been the complete opposite, so I can't rely on that motivation. Love out of duty? I did that for a while but that doesn't last long enough to have a marriage. I need a love motivated by God. I usually pray to love my husband, to see him as God sees him and that has been a miracle in my life. I have been able to see the great things about my husband and hold onto that in the tough times.
We love our children, even when they make very bad choices. We may not trust them, but we love them. This we must do with our husbands. Love them, they have lost our trust through their actions and lies but that they will have to earn back. But they shouldn't have to earn our love. God loves us unconditionally, both of us. Since I'm not perfect, that's why I have to pray for his help to love. The great thing is, he has given it to me. A gift.
Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (There are thirty-one--a full month's supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.
I love this challenge. Without God we are nothing. This helps me to focus on what is most important. I like the phrase walk with Him. That's what I want. To be comfortable enough with God to walk with Him, talk to Him and learn from Him. Enjoy your journey.
I just finished reading chapter 6 "It is a drug," in the book He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD. I can't say I understood it all as I'm not a medical person but this is what I did get.
Pornography addiction causes a "frontal lobe syndrome," or a shrinkage in the frontal control areas of the brain--like a traumatic brain injury.
With abstinence the brain can heal and regain its size.
With pornography addicts are using adrenaline, dopamine and other powerful brain drugs without a prescription. Porn is a form of prescription drug abuse.
"Patrick Carnes describes grief as on stage of recovery, where the addicted person actually feels emptiness when saying "goodbye" to his old friend, the addiction. It maybe the combination of craving for dopamine and yearning for oxytocin-bonded pornography, among other things, that pushes the person to act out and view pornography."
To the person addicted to porn, sex becomes their primary focus and life gets in the way of doing the only thing they want to do--view porn.
Sexual addiction causes more extensive atrophy of the brain than drugs. Sexual addictions are harder to overcome than drug addictions.
Porn addicts learning and memory areas of the brain are effected. They become less focused at work or school.
All addictions behavioral patterns of deceit and cyclic acting out are similar. Loved ones of addicts experience similar frustrations.
Porn addicts have withdrawal symptoms. During the first few weeks of abstinence they may experience, headaches, irritability, restlessness, sleeplessness, anxiety among other things. These symptoms are relentless which can lead to a relapse, followed by despair and depression. Hence it is only a temporary fix.
So in summary:
"In a sense, the 'brake pads' of the brain wear out, and the person runs through important 'stop signs.'"
"Simple pleasures aren't enough anymore, and the person must act out in addiction to get back to this "new normal" state."
"Thus the pornography experience becomes a virtual mistress, and provides another tether which must be addressed to heal."
I really recommend getting the book to get all the details. It was enlightening. This isn't just something they can use willpower to overcome. They need help to recover, and so do we. Reading this has explained things I had observed in my husband and wondered how could he think like that? Now I know. He has shrunk his brain.
This is why the twelve steps are so important. They help us to realize that we need God help. This is bigger than us. Step 2: Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual and emotional health. We need divine help.
"Only He can give us power, knowledge, peace, and joy. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone--without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair." Lawrence E. Corbridge, "The Way" Ensign Nov. 2008
Day 20: Love Is Jesus Christ
Dare to take God at his word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection.Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace.
I will change this a bit for me. I will pray to Heavenly Father instead of Jesus and ask what he would have me do etc.
Lunch yesterday was nice, but too short. Dinner would have been better if we could have. Next time I will make sure we do a dinner. Then you have more time to talk and slip in questions, which can be very interesting.
Day 19: Love is Impossible
Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.
When I first read Love is Impossible, I thought, what do you mean I can love. It was referring to unconditional love, which you need God to help you achieve. This I believe. God can help us love when we don't know if we want to or not. I pray daily to love my husband. When I first started doing this I wasn't sure if I wanted to love him anymore. Now however, I love him more than I ever have. I see the good in him more now. God gives us gifts if we ask for them.
Yesterday was a nice day. I didn't have to make dinner, so that is always nice. My husband BBQ steaks, grilled veges and portabello mushrooms also sauted asparagus in garlic, with baked potatoes and potato butter. It was delicious. He is an amazing cook. The entire family loved it.
Day 17: Love Promotes Intimacy
Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.
This is the interesting thing about pornography. The addiction feeds on secrecy. They lie about it. They withdraw from people. They are pretty much loners when they are deep into the addiction. So it is good for them to share their "secret" with somebody. I haven't told my family because I don't think they would understand and still love. Maybe they would, but they have made comments in the past about men who view pornography that leads me to this conclusion. So I feel it isn't safe to share with them. So this secret is a family secret. Not really healthy. But I keep it to protect my family. It stinks though, because then you feel isolated and alone in this mess. That is one reason why I love the support group for women. We can all relate to one another and not feel so alone. This helps me in loving my spouse in spite of his addiction.
I hope that my loving my husband unconditionally will one day provide that emotional intimacy that I want in my marriage. That he will trust that I really love him, then one day he will love me.
This leads to the 11th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing: 11. I can seek healing (recovery) and guidance from the Lord for myself and follow His plan for me.
The key for me on this step is to seek guidance. The listening for Heavenly Father to talk to me has always been hard. I have a hard time to stop and listen. It has been getting better. Since I have been devoting more of my day to the Lord, I've been given more insights and promptings. This time I am listening and then acting on them. I have found the more I do what I feel I'm supposed to, the more I keep getting prompted. This reminds me of the time my oldest son was young around eight or so he had a question and I told him to pray and ask Heavenly Father, but to make sure he stopped and listened. So he started praying and he asked his question then paused for a minute and he got an answer and then he listened some more and God kept talking to him. He finally asked me how he could turn God off. But I don't want to turn him off. He is leading me on this journey of healing.
Yesterday was a nice day. Weather was great, church was good family time enjoyable and PASG group meeting was good. We missed all who weren't there.
Happy Valentines Day! Last year my husband had a bouquet of flowers delivered. I was totally shocked. So unlike him. The fact that he planned ahead, shocking. Which was a good thing because he had an accident before Valentines day and had to have surgery so he wouldn't of been able to go get anything. I really think it was another tender mercy from God. Reminding me he is aware of me and loves me. Today my husband said he will do dinner so I am just going to do dessert. Yea!
The 10th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing:
10. I can avoid setting my own expectations about the future that negatively influence my emotional and spiritual health. I trust the future to God.
This is another tough one. I have a tendency to have high expectations for people including myself and since I can't control anyone but myself. These expectations aren't met with real frequency. Which then leads to a myriad of negative feelings and emotions, which in turn effects my spiritual health. So I had to stop. I was driving myself crazy. I had to accept that my timeline isn't God's, so it isn't the best. I had to learn to trust. That is hard when people you thought you could trust completely let you down. Then I questioned why did God have me marry this man etc.. I had to start to trust again. Who better to start trusting than God. He is perfect and all knowing. So I started with him. I feel a peace now that things will work out the way they are supposed to, whatever that is, if I do what I know I am supposed to do. That no matter what happens, I will be okay. That is such a peaceful thought. I didn't used to feel that. I felt my life was complete chaos and I was sinking in a quagmire of despair.
So for me trusting God was freeing.
So trusting God makes today's Love Dare much easier.
Day 16: Love Intercedes
Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.
I like the idea of praying for his heart. Frankly I believe the only way for him to beat his addiction is to have a change of heart. That is the only thing that is going to help him to hang on when it is tough and give him the strength to endure. When he is trying to do it himself, he will fail. He has. I don't know how many times he has tried to break this addiction, countless. He needs God's help. I have been praying and asking Heavenly Father to help him in the ways that he needs. Today I will pray for a change of heart among other things. I do believe in miracles. I've been seeing them along the way. I just wanted a big one right away. But now I know that wouldn't of helped me, or him.
