Perpetual Friday

Each of us will have our own Fridays-those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put back together again.                                                    We All Have Our Fridays        

but I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death,

 Sunday Will Come

In the darkness of sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next,

SUNDAY WILL COME.

--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I'm thinking my Sunday will be in the next life. At least it will come.

 

 

 

 

 

Stress

Life is full of change. Nothing stands still. It is a great thing that things change but it causes such stress sometimes. How we deal with stress is one of the keys to helping us make it back to God. How do you deal with stress? If I can keep an eternal perspective that makes it so much easier in dealing with any challenge. That reminds me that it is only for a short time that I have to make it through this challenge. Turning to the scriptures is key for me. They help calm my soul and remind me that God loves me.

I found an interesting site http://rowboatandmarbles.org/ maybe it can offer hope.

I'm Back

I've moved back and we are going to counseling weekly. I have to say it wipes me out. Today I have felt totally wasted. Nothing left to give. I feel hollow, like the breath has been knocked out of me. I am reading an interesting book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It describes how I am feeling lately as post traumatic stress.

I'm driving today and I hear a new song on the radio that really spoke to me today. The Hurt & The Healer by MercyMe.  I love this song. It reminded me that I have my Saviors love. I needed that today.

“Rottenness in his bones”

I found a blog  the red headed hostess that I really like. I go to it for ideas on scripture study. I liked the idea of a topic journal for scripture study, so I made me one. I have to say I am getting a lot of my studies using it. I have added other categories than just the ones she suggests. For instance I did a study on what it means to be a wife. Proverbs 12:4 really hit me as I was studying this topic.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

The second  part really hit me. I know I have made my husband feel less of a man or “ashamed.” So I have contributed to him maybe dying a little inside? How would you interpret “rottenness in his bones?”

I don't want to be guilty of this ever again.

Separated

I moved out. I finally did it. I needed a break from the anger. I made some boundaries and set some conditions to be met if he wanted  us to move back. He has agreed to work on meeting the conditions so we will see. One condition that I really wanted was him to have gone through step 5. A change of heart happens after that step usually.

You know, I don't think they realize what they sound like when they are really mad. The holidays are always worse. I don't know why. Because they are home more? I don't look forward to holidays at all anymore.

I felt at peace with the decision to leave. Maybe this will wake him up that things need to change. I am actually talking to him  more, he keeps calling. So I hope things change. I don't want to be having the same conversations for the next ten years. My family deserves to have peace.

Thank You Dad!

My Dad died today. It was hard watching him die. But I am so grateful for some of the things he taught me. He taught me to love the scriptures. He also taught me that God loved me. Because I knew my Dad loved me, I knew that God loved me. If he taught me nothing else but those two things I would be forever grateful. They have made it so I can make it through life's tough times. Goodbye Dad. I will miss you for a time.

Life Changes

My Dad is dying. I got a call a week ago that he didn't have long to live, so I flew  to my parents home. This new phase of life is another growing experience. The twelve steps have helped me with this too. I don't worry about what I have no control over any more (not much anyway). I'm at peace with whatever God wants to do.

I'm going to give a copy of the 12 step program to my Mom and sisters. If they choose to do any of it, it can help them find some peace. It is amazing how working on something for one area of your life can help in all areas.  Learning to trust God (step 3) is so important in life, I'm beginning to see the bigger picture for me.

Feelings

Wow, I haven't been on for over a month. I have been working on the steps for myself, though just not making the time to write about it. The past month or so I have been working on the workbook, "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, " by Colleen C. Harrison. She was addicted to food and perfectionism and wrote it to go along with the twelve step program. It has a scripture study that go along with each section. Some thought provoking questions that go along with various scriptures. It has given me new things to think about. It is work though. I'm filling up a notebook. My husband agreed to read and do the work in it. We will see.

We go another draft of the twelve steps last week. This one is much smaller 39 pages. I will have to compare it. I have saved all of the rough drafts so far. There are things I like from each of them. No more Serenity Prayer. I really liked saying that each week it gave me peace. That I know I will miss. They titled Step 1 as Honesty instead of Awareness.

I like the start of Step 1 where it talks about how we sometimes feel controlled by some of our feelings, such as:

• Fear that our addicted loved one would never get better and fear of the real possibility that he or she may even die physically as well as spiritually.
• Helpless to  prevent the harm our addicted loved one might do to others around them, especially children.
• Bitterness, resentment, and alarm over financial challenges as we dealt with excessive spending, treatment programs, legal expenses, fines, and destruction of property.
• Physical weariness as sleeplessness, stress, and anxiety took a toll on our health.
• Confusion as to why our loved ones were behaving so irrationally and why nothing we said or did seemed to make any difference.
• Shame, isolation, and hopelessness as we took responsibility for our loved ones' choices and tried to protect others from knowing what was happening. 
• Sorrow that baptism and temple covenants may be irreparable broken and eternal family ties severed.
• Anxiety that our loved ones' continued addiction somehow reflected our inability to access God's help in their behalf.
• Exhaustion at constantly reacting to the emotional upheaval in our family.

This new twelve step guide is written for all addictions so some of it doesn't fully apply to me, but I could relate with pretty much all of these feelings. When someone new comes to support group, I am reminded of when I first went several years ago. You feel so many feelings that you haven't even identified and and scared to be there, and angry that you are. We feel that we shouldn't have to be there. It isn't our addiction. We don't need to be fixed. If they keep coming back they realize that everyone has need to be "fixed" in someway. They eventually will find peace. I love the twelve steps! They have really saved my sanity. I am at peace even though things in my life are not stable. I'm sleeping better than I have for over ten years. True-fully these steps could benefit everybody.

Have a great weekend!

I Need Conference

I'm so glad General Conference is this weekend. I really need to be spiritually fed. I feel so drained right now that I need to be filled again. Reading the scriptures helps, a lot,  but there is nothing like two days of being drenched with the word of God to help me make it through the next six months. I am so glad it is not just once a year. I need it twice.

Women's Conference was really good. I needed to hear President Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not." I needed to hear "Forget not to be happy now," and  "Forget not that the Lord loves you."  It is nice to hear that you are loved by God, again. There are moments when I forget or feel alone. Link to the talk:  Forget Me Not

Temperaments

Wow life is just crazy and I haven't made the time to blog. So I will  post something now. I recently read
"Understand your MAN Secrets of the Male Temperament" by Tim LaHaye. What an interesting book. Yes I learned about my husband, but I also got insight into my children's and more importantly my temperament. Why would I want to learn about my temperament or anyone else's? Because then we can make sense of why people act the way they do and be more tolerant of them. For instance, why do some people forgive easier than others? It is their temperament. I really liked how it broke down the temperaments into their weaknesses and strengths. Then the author suggests we focus on our top ten weaknesses to work on. Yes it may be our natural temperament to be fearful or stingy etc. but if we are aware of our tendencies we can work on changing them.

This goes along so well with step four. When we know what needs to be worked on we can do it. I will say it is hard sometimes to admit I have some of the weaknesses I do, but if I don't humble myself enough to admit them, God will find a way to do that for me as I have found out. This is why we are here right, to improve ourselves? I just wish I didn't have so much which needed improving. lol

An analogy

I haven't been feeling the greatest the past couple of weeks, so I watched the Lord of the Rings movies again. I like them but don't watch them much because they take so much time. This morning at about 5 an analogy with that movie and addiction came to me, so I will share. In part two: The Two Towers, there is a scene with Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and Wormtongue. Theoden has been listening to Wormtongue and becomes essentially his puppet. Wormtongue is a puppet of Saruman who is the under Sauron. Sauron we will equate to Satan. Saruman we will equate to the porn producers and Wormtongue is porn. Theoden looses himself in Wormtongue cleaver talk. He doesn't recognize good and bad anymore, he just listens to Wormtongue. He looks awful, feels old and isn't the best king.

Gandalf the White and the gang ride into town to save the day. Gandalf gets rid of Wormtongue and Sauron's influence over Theoden. Theoden sheds his old, awful looks and now recognizes the mistakes he has made. He sees things from a new light. He has light. We will equate Gandalf to Christ.

As long as Theoden let Wormtongue influence him, he was ineffectual as a king and a man. His people would have been destroyed. Once he was "saved" by Gandalf he once again had hope and could start being the king he was meant to be.

So with our porn addict husbands. When they are under the influence of porn they don't think right. They think they do, but they just don't. Unless they turn to Christ for help they won't be saved. They will be lonely lost creatures who are pathetic to behold. For:

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Matt. 6:24

So if they are loving porn they are hating God, the one that can help them get this evil spirit out of their heart. They can only overcome porn by coming to the Savior. I'm praying for this miracle now. It will be a miracle.  I hope this is clearer than mud. Just something on my mind.

Worthy Of His Love

I've been out of town for a couple of weeks, which has given me time to think. It came to my attention how dependent I was on my husbands happiness for my own. Not a healthy place to be. Granted it is better now than in the past, but still room for improvement. That co-dependent part of me that seems to be hard to let go. Maybe I had put him as the center of my life instead of God. Big mistake. This is something I'm going to be working on this month.

I listened to a song last night from a recovery cd my husband has. I really liked the words to the song for step 12 Worthy of Love. Link You can go here to listen to the song. Sometimes we forget we are worthy of our Heavenly Fathers love, no matter what.

Joining Forces--Hopefully

The other day I was reading Alma 52. In this chapter Teancum was fortifying his weak areas while waiting for Lehi and Moroni to come give him the support he needed against the Lamanites. It got me thinking that I need to strengthen my weak areas. I also had the feeling that my husband and I needed to work together with other support people to fight this war against Satan. So I told my husband my feelings and he has moved back in the room. Hopefully he will work with me instead of against me and we can beat our common enemy. This is another example of trusting God.

Peace

Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since I had written. My husband moved out of our room and issued a challenge to me etc. So I have been focusing of things other than the blog. I have to say I have slept much better since he moved out. I don't know how much of it is because he isn't in our room, or because I am learning to trust God on a whole new level.

My new favorite scripture is Alma 37:37:

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for ^bgood; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the ^cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I read this every night before I go to bed and think about it every morning. I  like the word counsel. That isn't telling God what to do but asking for advise then taking it, because he directs me for my good. Every night I tell him he can have my worries and I go to sleep. I haven't slept this good for probably ten years or so. This past month, I have really gotten to know God loves me. That has made it easier to trust him I think. I know that he will be with me no matter what happens. I know that what needs to happen will happen. I am now more dependent on him than ever. I am listening better to the spirit. I feel at peace. Who knew that by having you life turned upside down that you can find real peace. But I do and I feel calm. God loves me, what more do I need?

Great Book of Hope

I read a good book this past weekend, that I highly recommend. "When Times Are Tough: Five Scriptures That Will  Help You Get Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway.
It has five different topics each with five different scriptures. The five chapters I guess they were are:

1. Five Scriptures That Will Help Me Get Through Almost Anything.
2. Five Scriptures That Wills Strengthen My Marriage.
3. Five Scriptures That Will Improve My Family Relationships. 
4. Five Scriptures That Strengthen My Faith.
5. Five Scriptures To Motivate Me To Action.

I think anybody would benefit from this book, not just those who are struggling with something. I like how he uses the scriptures to relate to the topics in ways that I hadn't thought of before. I will quote some of the quotes I liked from the book.

"How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow,  not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art.' Then, let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!"  Elder Neal A. Maxwell Ensign May 1991

This next one is paraphrased by Elder Packer and I didn't write the reference down. I don't have the book so I can't look it up.

Compare the Plan of Salvation to a 3-act play. Act One, premortal existence. Act Two is this life and is characterized by tests, trials, temptations and tragedies. Nowhere does the phrase 'Happily Ever After' appear in Act Two. That is for Act Three.

When trouble comes, the parties to a contractual marriage seeks happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community and to God. Contract companions each give 50%, covenant companions each give 100%.  Elder Bruce C. Hafen Ensign Nov. 1996

 By Bruce R. McConkie:

Faith is a gift of God bestowed as a reward for personal righteousness. It is always given when righteousness is present, and the greater the measure of obedience to Gods laws the greater will be the endowment of faith.

 Elder Jeffery R. Holland

...I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that His people do not feel confident in His care or secure in His hands or trust in His commandments.

 

Robert Louis Stevenson

You cannot run away from weakness.You must sometime fight it out or perish, and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

I think I'm going to need to buy another copy. I great book to give hope and practical advice.

 

Step 4 Revisited

It has been a very tough past couple of weeks. The good thing though, is that it has really got me working again on Step 4. I'm going through that Al-Anon workbook I bought. It is really making me think about my life and stretching my brain so to speak. I finally called my Mom and told her about my husbands addiction and ask her questions about my childhood. It will be interesting to see how things play out at the family reunion this summer.

I am so grateful for the gospel and scriptures. I don't know how I would get through this life without them. I also went and got a blessing from my Bishop. So glad for a worthy Priesthood leader. Well the test continues.

Have a great day!

Off Track

Okay, the past couple of weeks have been crazy and I got off track with my schedule. I have found that without doing my necessities in the morning my ability to handle stressful situations has been sadly lacking. What are my necessities?

• Scripture Study/Pondering
• Meaningful Prayer
• 12 Step Work
• Reading Something uplifting. 

I have learned this past week, that life can really, really suck without doing that. I need God's word forefront in my mind to keep me sane and stop my mouth from saying things I would later regret. It is also easier for Satan to encourage my "stinkin thinkin" from consuming my brain. So today in my scripture study I came to this verse Alma 37:37, my new favorite scripture.

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou  liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Life has a way of humbling you and the past 7 days has certainly reinforced in me, my need to "counsel with the Lord" in everything. With God I can handle life, without him I can't.

Blessings

I HATE Birthdays, any holiday really. Sad I know. Maybe one day I won't, but not today. So today I heard this song and it was what I needed. So enjoy.

Admit To Ourselves

The next action step for Step Five is to admit to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. Sometimes this is the hardest or the easiest. Do we really want to acknowledge that we aren't as good as we want to be? But we need to or we are not going to ever improve. I think this also helps us to really get to know ourselves. If we have been living in a state of denial we are just hiding from ourselves and we aren't making any progress. Ya, I've been here and done that. It was hard to admit, because it took a while to see that was what I had been doing. I had stuffed a lot of things out of my sight so to speak, just so I could cope. But if I wanted to heal I needed to dig up everything and acknowledge who I was and who I wanted to be. I'm still trying to discover myself. I hope it doesn't take my kids as long as it is taking me. I like this quote from the handbook:

Feelings of shame or regret will never diminish if we continue to replay them over and over again in our minds or hide them from our consciousness. They no longer need to invade our peace and contaminate how we feel about ourselves. 

There you go. Get it out in the open, acknowledge it, work on it and move on.

What's My Mission?

I came across a talk yesterday that really got me thinking in new ways. Stretched me you might say. It was a talk given by Julie B. Beck at BYU Women's Conference in 2010. I wish I could find the talk itself recorded but haven't yet. Here is the link to the talk. I highly recommend reading it. It was about three things:

1. What it means to choose to serve the Lord?
2. What that spirit is that  is put upon us?
3. How we walk with the Lord?

She talked about what is our vision? Why are we here on earth? She talks about studying the life of Rebekah in the Old Testament and realized how important she was, and how we can be like her. "We each are pivotal in our families, and the success of the house of Israel is now dependent on millions of Rebekah’s who understand what their place and mission is on the earth."

She talked about the power of a faithful group of women who help and support one another and how important that is in todays environment. I first thought of the Twelve Step Support Group, we help each other, then Relief Society.

Then the answer to question two above: The power of personal revelation.  “The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important ability that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit and implies a certain degree of worthiness. Keeping the commandments, repenting, and renewing covenants made at baptism lead to the blessing of always having the Lord’s Spirit with us.³ When we have that spirit, we can walk with God. We can know His Son and make proper choices."

Then she talks about how we walk with the Lord.

I was taught years ago that when our priorities are out of order, we lose power. If we need power and influence to carry out our mission, then our priorities have to be straight.

Years ago I began using a system that works for me, and maybe it will work for you. There was a time when I needed to prioritize, and in one of those sacred meetings between me and the Lord, He gave me three categories that I have worked from, and they have been a guide in my life. The categories are the essential things, the necessary things, and the nice-to-do things. I started writing those things down. I asked, “What has to go in the category of essential?” What things must be taken care of, and if I don’t take care of them, the blessings of eternal life won’t be mine nor will they be my family’s. 

Essential List:

• Revelation--knowing the will of God, so what put her in the position to hear his voice:
• Reading and studying the scriptures
• Personal prayer. She kept paper and pencil with her to record answers or instructions.
• Taking time to ponder and fast
• Making covenants and keeping them
• Going to sacrament meeting
• Repenting every week
• Going to the temple
• Sharing the gospel
• Service

Necessary List, necessary to create an environment where the Spirit of the Lord would be:

• Homemaking--house of order
• Cooking meals--a place to teach and gather
• Smiling, being happy around family
• Teach her children to pray and walk uprightly before the Lord.
• Becoming self-reliant temporally which affects spiritual self-reliance.
• Loving one another

Nice to do List:

• Crafts
• Hobbies
• Recreational reading
• Movies
• Travel
• Lunches with friends

It goes on and is a great talk. Really made me think. I really never thought about having paper and pen with me when I pray. But it makes sense. She also mentioned a way to study the scriptures which fits in with Step 4. I really liked this talk and got a lot out of it. Today is a good day for me to kick it into gear to figure my mission out. Have a great day!