Thank You Dad!

My Dad died today. It was hard watching him die. But I am so grateful for some of the things he taught me. He taught me to love the scriptures. He also taught me that God loved me. Because I knew my Dad loved me, I knew that God loved me. If he taught me nothing else but those two things I would be forever grateful. They have made it so I can make it through life's tough times. Goodbye Dad. I will miss you for a time.

Life Changes

My Dad is dying. I got a call a week ago that he didn't have long to live, so I flew  to my parents home. This new phase of life is another growing experience. The twelve steps have helped me with this too. I don't worry about what I have no control over any more (not much anyway). I'm at peace with whatever God wants to do.

I'm going to give a copy of the 12 step program to my Mom and sisters. If they choose to do any of it, it can help them find some peace. It is amazing how working on something for one area of your life can help in all areas.  Learning to trust God (step 3) is so important in life, I'm beginning to see the bigger picture for me.

Feelings

Wow, I haven't been on for over a month. I have been working on the steps for myself, though just not making the time to write about it. The past month or so I have been working on the workbook, "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, " by Colleen C. Harrison. She was addicted to food and perfectionism and wrote it to go along with the twelve step program. It has a scripture study that go along with each section. Some thought provoking questions that go along with various scriptures. It has given me new things to think about. It is work though. I'm filling up a notebook. My husband agreed to read and do the work in it. We will see.

We go another draft of the twelve steps last week. This one is much smaller 39 pages. I will have to compare it. I have saved all of the rough drafts so far. There are things I like from each of them. No more Serenity Prayer. I really liked saying that each week it gave me peace. That I know I will miss. They titled Step 1 as Honesty instead of Awareness.

I like the start of Step 1 where it talks about how we sometimes feel controlled by some of our feelings, such as:

• Fear that our addicted loved one would never get better and fear of the real possibility that he or she may even die physically as well as spiritually.
• Helpless to  prevent the harm our addicted loved one might do to others around them, especially children.
• Bitterness, resentment, and alarm over financial challenges as we dealt with excessive spending, treatment programs, legal expenses, fines, and destruction of property.
• Physical weariness as sleeplessness, stress, and anxiety took a toll on our health.
• Confusion as to why our loved ones were behaving so irrationally and why nothing we said or did seemed to make any difference.
• Shame, isolation, and hopelessness as we took responsibility for our loved ones' choices and tried to protect others from knowing what was happening. 
• Sorrow that baptism and temple covenants may be irreparable broken and eternal family ties severed.
• Anxiety that our loved ones' continued addiction somehow reflected our inability to access God's help in their behalf.
• Exhaustion at constantly reacting to the emotional upheaval in our family.

This new twelve step guide is written for all addictions so some of it doesn't fully apply to me, but I could relate with pretty much all of these feelings. When someone new comes to support group, I am reminded of when I first went several years ago. You feel so many feelings that you haven't even identified and and scared to be there, and angry that you are. We feel that we shouldn't have to be there. It isn't our addiction. We don't need to be fixed. If they keep coming back they realize that everyone has need to be "fixed" in someway. They eventually will find peace. I love the twelve steps! They have really saved my sanity. I am at peace even though things in my life are not stable. I'm sleeping better than I have for over ten years. True-fully these steps could benefit everybody.

Have a great weekend!

I Need Conference

I'm so glad General Conference is this weekend. I really need to be spiritually fed. I feel so drained right now that I need to be filled again. Reading the scriptures helps, a lot,  but there is nothing like two days of being drenched with the word of God to help me make it through the next six months. I am so glad it is not just once a year. I need it twice.

Women's Conference was really good. I needed to hear President Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not." I needed to hear "Forget not to be happy now," and  "Forget not that the Lord loves you."  It is nice to hear that you are loved by God, again. There are moments when I forget or feel alone. Link to the talk:  Forget Me Not

Temperaments

Wow life is just crazy and I haven't made the time to blog. So I will  post something now. I recently read
"Understand your MAN Secrets of the Male Temperament" by Tim LaHaye. What an interesting book. Yes I learned about my husband, but I also got insight into my children's and more importantly my temperament. Why would I want to learn about my temperament or anyone else's? Because then we can make sense of why people act the way they do and be more tolerant of them. For instance, why do some people forgive easier than others? It is their temperament. I really liked how it broke down the temperaments into their weaknesses and strengths. Then the author suggests we focus on our top ten weaknesses to work on. Yes it may be our natural temperament to be fearful or stingy etc. but if we are aware of our tendencies we can work on changing them.

This goes along so well with step four. When we know what needs to be worked on we can do it. I will say it is hard sometimes to admit I have some of the weaknesses I do, but if I don't humble myself enough to admit them, God will find a way to do that for me as I have found out. This is why we are here right, to improve ourselves? I just wish I didn't have so much which needed improving. lol

An analogy

I haven't been feeling the greatest the past couple of weeks, so I watched the Lord of the Rings movies again. I like them but don't watch them much because they take so much time. This morning at about 5 an analogy with that movie and addiction came to me, so I will share. In part two: The Two Towers, there is a scene with Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Theoden and Wormtongue. Theoden has been listening to Wormtongue and becomes essentially his puppet. Wormtongue is a puppet of Saruman who is the under Sauron. Sauron we will equate to Satan. Saruman we will equate to the porn producers and Wormtongue is porn. Theoden looses himself in Wormtongue cleaver talk. He doesn't recognize good and bad anymore, he just listens to Wormtongue. He looks awful, feels old and isn't the best king.

Gandalf the White and the gang ride into town to save the day. Gandalf gets rid of Wormtongue and Sauron's influence over Theoden. Theoden sheds his old, awful looks and now recognizes the mistakes he has made. He sees things from a new light. He has light. We will equate Gandalf to Christ.

As long as Theoden let Wormtongue influence him, he was ineffectual as a king and a man. His people would have been destroyed. Once he was "saved" by Gandalf he once again had hope and could start being the king he was meant to be.

So with our porn addict husbands. When they are under the influence of porn they don't think right. They think they do, but they just don't. Unless they turn to Christ for help they won't be saved. They will be lonely lost creatures who are pathetic to behold. For:

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Matt. 6:24

So if they are loving porn they are hating God, the one that can help them get this evil spirit out of their heart. They can only overcome porn by coming to the Savior. I'm praying for this miracle now. It will be a miracle.  I hope this is clearer than mud. Just something on my mind.

Worthy Of His Love

I've been out of town for a couple of weeks, which has given me time to think. It came to my attention how dependent I was on my husbands happiness for my own. Not a healthy place to be. Granted it is better now than in the past, but still room for improvement. That co-dependent part of me that seems to be hard to let go. Maybe I had put him as the center of my life instead of God. Big mistake. This is something I'm going to be working on this month.

I listened to a song last night from a recovery cd my husband has. I really liked the words to the song for step 12 Worthy of Love. Link You can go here to listen to the song. Sometimes we forget we are worthy of our Heavenly Fathers love, no matter what.

Joining Forces--Hopefully

The other day I was reading Alma 52. In this chapter Teancum was fortifying his weak areas while waiting for Lehi and Moroni to come give him the support he needed against the Lamanites. It got me thinking that I need to strengthen my weak areas. I also had the feeling that my husband and I needed to work together with other support people to fight this war against Satan. So I told my husband my feelings and he has moved back in the room. Hopefully he will work with me instead of against me and we can beat our common enemy. This is another example of trusting God.

Peace

Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since I had written. My husband moved out of our room and issued a challenge to me etc. So I have been focusing of things other than the blog. I have to say I have slept much better since he moved out. I don't know how much of it is because he isn't in our room, or because I am learning to trust God on a whole new level.

My new favorite scripture is Alma 37:37:

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for ^bgood; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the ^cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I read this every night before I go to bed and think about it every morning. I  like the word counsel. That isn't telling God what to do but asking for advise then taking it, because he directs me for my good. Every night I tell him he can have my worries and I go to sleep. I haven't slept this good for probably ten years or so. This past month, I have really gotten to know God loves me. That has made it easier to trust him I think. I know that he will be with me no matter what happens. I know that what needs to happen will happen. I am now more dependent on him than ever. I am listening better to the spirit. I feel at peace. Who knew that by having you life turned upside down that you can find real peace. But I do and I feel calm. God loves me, what more do I need?

Great Book of Hope

I read a good book this past weekend, that I highly recommend. "When Times Are Tough: Five Scriptures That Will  Help You Get Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway.
It has five different topics each with five different scriptures. The five chapters I guess they were are:

1. Five Scriptures That Will Help Me Get Through Almost Anything.
2. Five Scriptures That Wills Strengthen My Marriage.
3. Five Scriptures That Will Improve My Family Relationships. 
4. Five Scriptures That Strengthen My Faith.
5. Five Scriptures To Motivate Me To Action.

I think anybody would benefit from this book, not just those who are struggling with something. I like how he uses the scriptures to relate to the topics in ways that I hadn't thought of before. I will quote some of the quotes I liked from the book.

"How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow,  not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art.' Then, let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!"  Elder Neal A. Maxwell Ensign May 1991

This next one is paraphrased by Elder Packer and I didn't write the reference down. I don't have the book so I can't look it up.

Compare the Plan of Salvation to a 3-act play. Act One, premortal existence. Act Two is this life and is characterized by tests, trials, temptations and tragedies. Nowhere does the phrase 'Happily Ever After' appear in Act Two. That is for Act Three.

When trouble comes, the parties to a contractual marriage seeks happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community and to God. Contract companions each give 50%, covenant companions each give 100%.  Elder Bruce C. Hafen Ensign Nov. 1996

 By Bruce R. McConkie:

Faith is a gift of God bestowed as a reward for personal righteousness. It is always given when righteousness is present, and the greater the measure of obedience to Gods laws the greater will be the endowment of faith.

 Elder Jeffery R. Holland

...I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that His people do not feel confident in His care or secure in His hands or trust in His commandments.

 

Robert Louis Stevenson

You cannot run away from weakness.You must sometime fight it out or perish, and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

I think I'm going to need to buy another copy. I great book to give hope and practical advice.

 

Step 4 Revisited

It has been a very tough past couple of weeks. The good thing though, is that it has really got me working again on Step 4. I'm going through that Al-Anon workbook I bought. It is really making me think about my life and stretching my brain so to speak. I finally called my Mom and told her about my husbands addiction and ask her questions about my childhood. It will be interesting to see how things play out at the family reunion this summer.

I am so grateful for the gospel and scriptures. I don't know how I would get through this life without them. I also went and got a blessing from my Bishop. So glad for a worthy Priesthood leader. Well the test continues.

Have a great day!

Off Track

Okay, the past couple of weeks have been crazy and I got off track with my schedule. I have found that without doing my necessities in the morning my ability to handle stressful situations has been sadly lacking. What are my necessities?

• Scripture Study/Pondering
• Meaningful Prayer
• 12 Step Work
• Reading Something uplifting. 

I have learned this past week, that life can really, really suck without doing that. I need God's word forefront in my mind to keep me sane and stop my mouth from saying things I would later regret. It is also easier for Satan to encourage my "stinkin thinkin" from consuming my brain. So today in my scripture study I came to this verse Alma 37:37, my new favorite scripture.

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou  liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Life has a way of humbling you and the past 7 days has certainly reinforced in me, my need to "counsel with the Lord" in everything. With God I can handle life, without him I can't.

Blessings

I HATE Birthdays, any holiday really. Sad I know. Maybe one day I won't, but not today. So today I heard this song and it was what I needed. So enjoy.

Admit To Ourselves

The next action step for Step Five is to admit to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. Sometimes this is the hardest or the easiest. Do we really want to acknowledge that we aren't as good as we want to be? But we need to or we are not going to ever improve. I think this also helps us to really get to know ourselves. If we have been living in a state of denial we are just hiding from ourselves and we aren't making any progress. Ya, I've been here and done that. It was hard to admit, because it took a while to see that was what I had been doing. I had stuffed a lot of things out of my sight so to speak, just so I could cope. But if I wanted to heal I needed to dig up everything and acknowledge who I was and who I wanted to be. I'm still trying to discover myself. I hope it doesn't take my kids as long as it is taking me. I like this quote from the handbook:

Feelings of shame or regret will never diminish if we continue to replay them over and over again in our minds or hide them from our consciousness. They no longer need to invade our peace and contaminate how we feel about ourselves. 

There you go. Get it out in the open, acknowledge it, work on it and move on.

What's My Mission?

I came across a talk yesterday that really got me thinking in new ways. Stretched me you might say. It was a talk given by Julie B. Beck at BYU Women's Conference in 2010. I wish I could find the talk itself recorded but haven't yet. Here is the link to the talk. I highly recommend reading it. It was about three things:

1. What it means to choose to serve the Lord?
2. What that spirit is that  is put upon us?
3. How we walk with the Lord?

She talked about what is our vision? Why are we here on earth? She talks about studying the life of Rebekah in the Old Testament and realized how important she was, and how we can be like her. "We each are pivotal in our families, and the success of the house of Israel is now dependent on millions of Rebekah’s who understand what their place and mission is on the earth."

She talked about the power of a faithful group of women who help and support one another and how important that is in todays environment. I first thought of the Twelve Step Support Group, we help each other, then Relief Society.

Then the answer to question two above: The power of personal revelation.  “The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important ability that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit and implies a certain degree of worthiness. Keeping the commandments, repenting, and renewing covenants made at baptism lead to the blessing of always having the Lord’s Spirit with us.³ When we have that spirit, we can walk with God. We can know His Son and make proper choices."

Then she talks about how we walk with the Lord.

I was taught years ago that when our priorities are out of order, we lose power. If we need power and influence to carry out our mission, then our priorities have to be straight.

Years ago I began using a system that works for me, and maybe it will work for you. There was a time when I needed to prioritize, and in one of those sacred meetings between me and the Lord, He gave me three categories that I have worked from, and they have been a guide in my life. The categories are the essential things, the necessary things, and the nice-to-do things. I started writing those things down. I asked, “What has to go in the category of essential?” What things must be taken care of, and if I don’t take care of them, the blessings of eternal life won’t be mine nor will they be my family’s. 

Essential List:

• Revelation--knowing the will of God, so what put her in the position to hear his voice:
• Reading and studying the scriptures
• Personal prayer. She kept paper and pencil with her to record answers or instructions.
• Taking time to ponder and fast
• Making covenants and keeping them
• Going to sacrament meeting
• Repenting every week
• Going to the temple
• Sharing the gospel
• Service

Necessary List, necessary to create an environment where the Spirit of the Lord would be:

• Homemaking--house of order
• Cooking meals--a place to teach and gather
• Smiling, being happy around family
• Teach her children to pray and walk uprightly before the Lord.
• Becoming self-reliant temporally which affects spiritual self-reliance.
• Loving one another

Nice to do List:

• Crafts
• Hobbies
• Recreational reading
• Movies
• Travel
• Lunches with friends

It goes on and is a great talk. Really made me think. I really never thought about having paper and pen with me when I pray. But it makes sense. She also mentioned a way to study the scriptures which fits in with Step 4. I really liked this talk and got a lot out of it. Today is a good day for me to kick it into gear to figure my mission out. Have a great day!

Talking to God

Action Steps for Step Five:

1. Admit to Heavenly Father

Here we get to tell Heavenly Father what we came up with in Step Four. None of this will shock or surprise him, he already knows all about it. I think this is for us. It helps humble us. Yes we have to admit we aren't as good as we thought we were. We admit it then we can work on changing whatever it is that needs changing. I think this also helps our relationship with God. It brings us closer together. It helps us turn to him and admit that we do need him after all.  This is were you can ask yourself the questions:

Are my Step 4 inventories sufficiently thorough to prepare me to confess to God?

How will this confession bless my life? 

 After doing this step the first time, I now try to recognize things as I go and do this then instead of having to dig them up from the past. But, things may still pop up now and again. The great thing about doing this is God is so loving and merciful. He is easy to talk to. He always listens with an unconditional love. Don't you wish everyone did?

Three Gifts

In the Family Support Guide  it lists three gifts that we receive through working Step Five.

1. Self-awareness
2. Self-evaluation
3. Self-acceptance

They can come softly or you can have an aha moment, and wonder why you didn't see that before. Frankly this is a very liberating step. Hard, but liberating. I think that is where the self-acceptance comes in. I had so many mixed emotions about myself before going through these steps. I felt unloved, inadequate, ugly etc. This addiction can really cause our self-esteem, what little we may have to start, plummet. As we go through the steps we can begin to see ourself as God sees us and learn to love ourselves again. This step is so vital for our healing. Elder Dean L. Larsen said:

It is necessary to accept ourselves with a self-love that is neither vain nor selfish, but rather one that is tolerant and understanding.

I read an interesting article yesterday in the Oct. 1996 Ensign called  "Sins and Mistakes". It was really comforting actually with something that had been bothering me. I highly recommend reading it.

What Are My Weapons Of Rebellion

I was reading my scriptures and I was in Alma 23. Great chapter. It is encouraging to see a people that were incredibly wicked have a complete change of heart and become righteous. Shows that there is hope for all. Shows that God is merciful too. There was one part that really made me think.

For they become a righteous people; they did lay down the weapons of their rebellion, that they did not fight against God any more, neither against any of their brethren.

Now, these are they who were converted unto the Lord:

So my question is what are my weapons of rebellion?  Doing the Twelve Steps gives us the opportunity to identify and get rid of our weapons. We discover different "weapons of rebellion" each time we go through it. I just loved the imagery of this section of scripture. Something more to think about.

 

Honesty

Sleep is so overrated I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of continuous sleep. I should just get up when I first wake up because I don't go back to sleep. Think how productive I could be, instead of lying there hoping I'll fall back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I'll start on Step 5. I'm still going to do Step Four but I've decided that is going to take a while to go through that book and really get to know myself. Actually, I'm going to make it a personal progress project. It will definitely be over ten hours. I'm sure I can fit it in somewhere.

Step 5 is Honesty. The Key Principle: Admit to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step recovery the exact nature of our wrongs.


Last time I did Step 5 I had stayed in Step 4 for months because I didn't want to do Step 5. So I made an appointment with someone to do Step 5 so I had to finish up step 4 and move on. I needed to move on it was time. Talking to another person about my failures etc. was what scared me. Talking to God was not the problem.  I now look back and think I didn't want to admit to myself that I had problems. I wanted only my husband to be the problem. He was the one with honesty issues, right? Obviously  I had some growing up to do. I will say that after Step 5 was done the real healing began. So this is so important. I think really getting honest with yourself about yourself is vital to making any lasting, real changes. Isn't that what we are here on earth for to learn and grow to become more Christlike? We can't do that until we acknowledge our character weaknesses, etc.

So take a deep breath, gird your loins and take that leap of faith.

Discover Our Negative Emotions

I hope all you mothers had a great Mother's Day. Mine started out crappy but got better.

The last things to talk about on Step Four is negative emotions. This is where we acknowledge all of our negative emotions (fear, anger, rage, hopelessness, worry, shame, frustration, worthlessness, inadequacy etc.). Write them down. Once we accept that they have become a part of us we can work on releasing them. We don't need them. We don't want them anymore. We are not going to blame them on anyone, that doesn't do us any good. We are just going to acknowledge that we have let these emotions become part of our life. We find out where we  let those feelings sneak in and how we fed them so they stayed. We learn from them, face them, then willingly let them go. This is a hard one. These feelings can keep coming back. Each time though it will be easier to recognize and deal with them faster instead of letting them fester and make us into who we don't want to be anymore. Here are the questions to help us.

• Define any fears that  control my life.
• Who or what do I feel anger or resentment towards?
• As I work on this inventory have I recognized that my  negative emotions do not disappear even if others change or ask for my forgiveness?
• How do fear and anger continue to poison and consume me?
• What am I willing to do to change this pattern in my life?
• What can I do to release these emotions and let them go?

All of Step Four can take time. Don't rush through it. Really go through the questions and discover yourself. I think this is a never ending process. We may not like all we find about ourselves but we can work on becoming who we really want to be. That is exciting.

The Adversary

I'm reading a book called "Return Four Phases of Our mortal Journey Home" by Robert D. Hales. I am really liking this book. Today I read Chapter 13, "Overcoming the Adversary." It was a very thought provoking chapter. He says that Satan isn't passive in his attack for our souls. He knows our weaknesses or our Achilles' heel, so we better know what they are so we can protect ourselves. This apply's to us and our spouses, well everybody actually. I like the following, I'll quote:

...when something disappointing, difficult, or even tragic happens in our lives, do we lose confidence in the Lord and try to console ourselves by turning (or returning) to sin? If so, we learn by sad experience that after we have transgressed, the light of Christ leaves us. We lose the influence of the Holy Ghost. We are cast into darkness, becoming utterly lonely and depressed. We don't recognize that Satan is influencing us. We can't see the truth of God's love. We are right where the adversary wants us--off the strait and narrow path, "wandering in strange roads" (I Nephi 8:32), and without any hope of finding happiness and peace again if we do not turn around, repent, and return to Him.

At such times, Satan deliberately tempts us to retreat to the sanctuary of our private thoughts and chambers. Such retreat ultimately puts us further under his darkening influence, leading us to despondency, frustration, and feelings of worthlessness...

Soon we are living as a spiritual hermit...Satan wants us to follow him into this kind of withdrawal, where we truly believe we cannot come back into the circle of the Lord's love. To everyone, everywhere, I testify that we can. With the Savior's help, we can always come back.

Does that sound familiar to anybody else? I know for my spouse, his addiction has become his coping method. Its what he turns too when stressed. So that cycle begins. Hopefully he is learning different coping methods and what his underlying reasons are in the first place to help break this cycle. I know when my crazy thinking kicks in and I don't catch myself, I feel stuck in paragraph two. Thats why I have to do the basics for me, scripture study, Twelve Step work, reading uplifting books, listening to uplifting music, prayer and temple attendance. If I don't do these things on a regular basis I'm vulnerable. I know Satan is attacking my family. He wants to destroy us. He wants all families destroyed. He can't have one and he wants us to be as miserable as he is.

He had questions at the end of each chapter which are good. Since I'm in the mode now of answering questions because of step four I'll share them:

• How vigilant am I in recognizing that the adversary has targeted me?
• What is my Achilles' heel? Do I take steps to shore up my weaknesses?
• Do I really believe that I have the power to command Satan to depart from my life?
• What do I do to continually fortify myself with the help of the Holy Ghost?
• Do I seek refuge in the temple from the adversary's influence?
• Do I call upon God and exercise faith in the Savior to conquer the adversary?
• How well do I learn from my mistakes?
• When I slip up, do I wallow in loneliness and despair, or do I return to the strait and narrow path and leave my sins behind?

I think questions are great. They get you thinking and stretching yourself to discover who we really are.

Mistakes, Shame and Blame

I really like going to meeting. It reminds me that I'm not alone and I can do this. So back to Step Four.

This section is titled Mistakes, Shame and Blame. Yea it evokes lots of fun. We have to go through this to see how our memories have impacted our life and hopefully stop them from holding us back from our potential.

• Which of my attitudes or actions from my past are keeping me from achieving peace or feeling joy?
• How can my Father in Heaven help me through this process?
• What am I willing to do through the repentance process to release these feelings?

The hard part is living with someone who keeps dumping the shame on you over and over. I hope I don't keep doing that to my husband because it isn't fun.

Here's to a great May!

Personal Relationships

Be careful what you pray for you might get it. I've been praying to be shown all my character weaknesses so I can work on eliminating them. So what has happened? I've been shown some of my character weaknesses. Mercifully, not all at once. Seeing my flaws is not what I would call a good time. But it was what I wanted right? Maybe? So I am making some progress on Step Four. As for being more regular on my blog I  haven't been so good. Since the weather has been nice I've needed to be in the yard pulling my lovely weeds and my husband has been working from home which always throws me for a loop. I'm glad this month is almost over. I'm hoping May will be better. So on to Step Four.

Evaluating Our Personal Relationships.
This week I've decided that I hardly know who my husband really is. He has hidden so much of himself from me and still does, that when I discover things I feel like I've been sharing my life with a complete stranger. I wonder if I will ever really know him? Being the co-dependent that I am, doing Step Four helps me to evaluate how my emotions  control my thoughts relative to my relationships with members of my family and others. If I notice a pattern of fear, negative thinking etc. I can work on changing it. I used to drive myself crazy with some of my negative thinking. I'm getting better, but this week I realized I still have a ways to go. The guide offers some questions to help.

1. Do I mainly focus on the behaviors of others?
2. Do I try to rescue others from the consequences of their addictive behavior?
3. Do I seek to point out the faults of others in order to control them or to make myself feel better?
4. Are any of these behaviors linked to unresolved issues from my past?
5. Where have I let self-will (wanting things to turn out the way I was sure would be best) take over and drive me to  be controlling and maybe even cruel or abusive to another person?
6. Where have I let self-pity overcome me with despair? Do I allow myself to create victim thinking patterns and blame others for my current state of unhappiness?
7. Where and when have I acted or even just felt self-righteous towards another?
8. What thoughts and feelings of judgment concerning others increase feelings of resentment?
9. What thoughts and emotions concerning the behaviors of others has been the source of my desire to fix and control someone else?
10. What situations in my life have I allowed to control me and my peace because of the way I have reacted towards others?

Wow, these are great thought provoking questions. Now I have even more to think about as I go pull weeds. Have a great day!

Our Weaknesses

Today my scripture study was  Alma 5 . What a great chapter for working Step Four. There were tons of questions Alma asked that are good questions for us to ask ourselves. Since Step Four is about getting to really know ourselves, these questions will really make you search your soul. Not a chapter to whip right through.

The study section I am on is "Recognize our own weaknesses." The quote at the beginning by Elder F. Enzio Busche is really good:

Without the capability to recognize truth, we will not be really free: we will be slaves to habits or prejudices heavily covered with excuses. 

This is where we discover our character weaknesses so we can work on overcoming them. This is where we admit we aren't as good as we thought we were. Sure our spouse has an addiction, but we have weaknesses that we need to overcome too. This is where we discover the beam in our own eye I guess, so we can work on getting it out.

Questions to write about and ponder:

• What character weaknesses have I come to recognize?
• How have they influenced my thought patterns?
• What fears, anger, resentment and frustration have I felt towards God and others?
• What childhood experiences have contributed to these feelings?
• Do I have negative emotions that poison and consume me?
• How have my attitudes and actions caused others pain and suffering?
• Have my feelings of resentment continued even after people have changed or sought my forgiveness? 

This is hard work, I'm not going to lie to you. This part isn't any easier for me this time than last time. But I definitely need it.

Blueprint For Progress

I received "Blueprint for Progress" by Al-Anon and it looks like it will be really good. I have to say it will be pretty intense to go through it though. It is going to take me a while and they recommend dating your answers so later when you go through it you can see the changes. I agree with that. The book has 96 pages so there is quite a bit to go through. The Sections that you do writing in are: honesty, self-worth, fear, anger, resentment, justification, control, attitudes, communication, responsibilities, finances, guilt, shame, relationships, trust, commitment, gratitude, love, intimacy, maturity, sex, values, character traits, character checklist and spirituality. It pretty much covers everything. When I read it where it says alcoholism I say addiction. You go through a lot of the same stuff for all addictions. I like the first paragraph in section, "The Purpose of Step Four."

The Fourth Step can be an essential tool for personal growth. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behavior of an alcoholic (porn addict) that we developed a limited sense of ourselves. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, neglected our potential, and become too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often our good qualities lay hidden behind frustration and fear.

I added (porn addict). I think we do lose ourselves with this addiction and doing the Twelve Steps helps us rediscover ourselves.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Easter. We celebrate the candy part of it tomorrow so today we dye the eggs. So Sunday we can focus of the real meaning of Easter. Have a great day!

 

Parents Be Responsible!

Yesterday I read this article link "Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps" by LZ Granderson. It was really interesting. It talked about parents letting their daughters dress sexy at a young age. What are parents thinking? If society thinks that this okay, which many do. They probably think pornography is okay also. Isn't this an introduction into soft porn? It makes it harder for our young men and husbands to keep there thoughts where they should be when a good chunk of the female population is roaming around half dressed. I have to say this is something that really bothers me.

I have a pre-teen daughter and I find it hard to find clothing at the store that is modest. In fact, I am in the process of sewing her some skirts because I can't find any that are long enough to be modest. Maybe if she was a really short person they would be long enough but she isn't. But I'm not going to let  her go around flashing her skin for all the world to see. So if parents would stop buying all those short skirts, and other immodest clothing, the clothing stores would start carrying clothes that don't make our children look like hookers.

Tender Mercies

Another important part of working Step Four is to remember God's help in our lives. We can pray  and ask Heavenly Father to help us remember his tender mercies in our life. Recognizing that God has been there for us in the past, helps us to trust him to help us now.

When I was  younger I had some experiences that showed me God's tender mercies toward me that have really given me hope through all my trials when I think back on them. I know God is aware of me and all I am going through. Also, sometimes I will have an aha moment when I can see a part that God had played that I hadn't realized at the time.

This would also be something good to do at Step Three too when we are having a hard time trusting in God. Some questions to help us:

• What are my earliest recollections of God's tender mercies?
• When has the Spirit quietly and profoundly spoken to me?
• During times of struggle and despair, how has Heavenly Father answered my prayers and strengthened me?
• Looking back over my life, when did the Lord intervene in a way that turned out to be a blessing to me?
• How does remembering these experiences help me to trust God's will? 
• How will this inventory strengthen my application of Step 2?

We should keep this handy for those times when darkness seems to overshadow us and we can't remember ever having been helped. Those times come so its good to have tools to help us move out of those times faster. 

Positive Traits-- We All Have Some

Today for Step Four: Listing our positive traits. It is much easier to list our faults, so it is better to start with our good traits. This helps us so we don't keep beating ourselves up for  not being perfect. We can see that there are redeeming qualities in ourselves. Everybody has something good about them. It is good to have this list for those days when you feel  you aren't doing anything right. We can look at it and remind ourselves that we aren't as bad as we think. This also prepares us to recognize and accept our weaknesses so we can work on them. We realize that we are okay in this one area so we can become better in the area we are currently weak in. No excuses.

Questions for today:

• As I have reviewed my life, what good qualities have I begun to recognize in myself? 
• When have I been courageous?
• When have I been compassionate?
• When have I been forgiving?
• What gifts have I received from God?
• How does this inventory affect how I feel about myself right now?

Think good thoughts and enjoy this song.

Look How Far You've Come

Today I read my life story that I wrote last year. Wow, talk about a flood of memories. Thankfully I am in a better place this year having gone through the 12 Steps. It is always good to look at how far you have come, because  looking how far you have yet to go can be daunting. I also read a couple of journal entries from a year ago. Ouch, I'm glad I'm not there right now.

 I'm still answering thought provoking questions. It is really good for showing me areas which I need to work on. It's a good thing I'm not in my eighties. Hopefully I will have time to develop some of the character traits that I'm lacking.

Al-Anon shipped my workbooks today. I'm really looking forward to seeing what they are like and to start working in them. My husband seems to be in a better place lately. Not sure why, not sure how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it while it is here.

Have a great spring day!

Self-Responsibility

They say every time you do a Step Four you peel back a layer about yourself, like an onion. I think that is true. I'm in a different place mentally this time doing this step, so I am seeing things in a different light. I expect that next time I'll see things differently too. I'm working on the questions found in Elder Porters talk I talked about before ( Here ). I'm finding I can't rush through them. I want to really think about them. Writing down my thoughts about it though is helpful. They are even good questions to randomly ask your kids. I asked my daughter one on a walk with the dog. I want her to get to know herself now and keep figuring out who she is along the path of life and not wait until she is old.

I was reading today in Step Four of "Codependents' Guide To The Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and    I liked what she said:

We take this Step to get to the core of recovery: self-responsibility.

We are responsible for ourselves-our circumstances and whether we choose to remain in them and our attitude toward these circumstances. We are responsible for what we have created in our lives and what we will create. We are responsible for our feelings. They are ours.

...Honestly facing ourselves and taking responsibility for ourselves is where our true power lies. 

We take this Step to enable ourselves to take responsibility for ourselves within the framework of reality. A by-product of looking within is that we master the lesson of our present circumstances, so we avoid a repeat performance. And we become healed enough to enjoy life and love. 

I really believe that. When we accept responsibility for our choices and how they have contributed to our problems we can start changing and healing. We stop taking the focus off of things we have no control over and focus on what we do have control of. This is easier to do this time around.

Start Writing!

How to begin to write a fourth step inventory. The support guide suggests using Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory if you want an in-depth explanation. I ordered it off of Al-Anon's website. It is a 96 page spiral bound workbook. It cost $7.50 plus $8 shipping. I got one for my husband to use whenever he gets to step four. I'm interested to see it.

One of the first ways to begin an inventory is to write about your life. Early childhood memories, school, dating, family life, marriage and up to the present. Write what you remember good and bad. Not every detail, just what influenced you and made an impact. This will get you started in seeing why you do, think etc. the way you do. Also you can see where you can't remember much at all. You can find areas that you need to work through more in depth. I'm going to go over the one I wrote last year and see what I can add to it.

I got up this morning at 4:35. You can get a lot done when you get up early I decided. I'll probably be feeling it later. But I couldn't sleep so I decided to just get up and get things done.
Have a great day!

Escape Into Myself

Back to working Step Four. Melody Beattie in "Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps" says that in Step Four we get to "learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us." I like that. This addiction really takes a toll on our self esteem and makes me feel unloved and unlovable a lot of the time. Working through this helps me to remember I am a daughter of God. I have to remind myself not to judge my past by what I know now. I am a different person now and would have been different in the past if I knew then, what I know now.

Study Step for today: Searching Inward

The discovery of self is a profoundly spiritual experience, one that is possible for anyone willing to learn. It comes neither in a mystical, magical manner nor by casual effort, but it is made possible only through practical, concrete means. Link

Thought questions

•  What insights can I gain by reading Elder Porter's entire talk?
• What are some specific ways that I can apply these insights in order to gain self-understanding through doing Step Four inventories?

I really enjoyed the talk. He talked about some means whereby we can get to know our selves.

1. Diaries and Journals
2. Self-questioning-- he listed some good questions to start with such as: "If  I were another person, would I enjoy being around myself? Am i cheerful, patient, radiant, kind?"
3. The Franklin Method. He referred to Benjamin Franklin's Autobiography, which is really good. How Franklin decided to work on 12 virtues then he added a 13th later. He would write down at the end of the day were he messed up. He found that he needed to write a plan to succeed. Thinking about it just didn't work. I like this idea. I think  this is something I will work on with the others.
4. Faith in Jesus Christ. "No amount of inward searching will avail an individual much without an active faith in the living Savior. ...Man simply cannot perfect himself, by himself."

The talk definitely gave me something to think about and work on. Parting thought:

The housewife who feels that her life is in a small box wedged between an oven, washer, and three peppy children may seek escape in television viewing or at a swimming pool, social club, or theater. The businessman, teacher, or scientist may get a “wedged-in” feeling and seek escape in the mountains or on the golf course.

A certain amount of such escape is necessary for everyone, but wouldn’t it be better sometimes if we escaped into ourselves? A quiet hour of self-examination, goal-setting, and meditation on the eternal purpose of life can be far more therapeutic than the back nine.

Ramblings From a Tired Mind

The past couple of days I have become the constant companion to our washer and dryer. We are on a first name basis. The washer is Cinderella because it works so hard without complaining and the dryer is Gaston, full of hot air. Then I got to thinking, that Belle really needed to thank Gaston. Without his obnoxious self she wouldn't have realized how much she cared for the Beast. Good can come from our trials. We just need to be patient and look for it. Sometimes I think we only notice it in hindsight. As you can see, I was doing laundry way too much. At least I'm almost done. However, because of all the time doing mindless but necessary work, my mind has been running wild.

Today I wonder why I don't really enjoy starting to do Step 4.  Getting to know myself better, what is so bad about that? I decided that I didn't like it because then I would start really feeling again. And for the past 25 years the majority of the feelings hurt, especially the past six years. It is easier for me to get to a place where I can be sort of numb. It feels safer for me there. The only problem is I don't let my self feel real joy because I try to block the pain. I wonder if that state was kind of like the Garden of Eden. They didn't know joy because the didn't know pain. They could have been just in this nice comfortable blissful numb. What a leap of courage it must have taken to take that first bite of fruit, knowing that their world as they knew it would never be the same again. They would know pain, lots of it. I can't even imagine what it would feel like having one son kill another son. I guess I will keep my fun problems. But I am ever more appreciative of Eve and what it  took to eat that fruit. She was welcoming problems into her life so she could grow and so could we. So I guess I will have to start again doing Step 4--tomorrow. I think I will review the vulnerability video I posted a while ago.

I really liked General Conference this past weekend. Some really great talks. I liked President Packer's talk, "John let it go." I was really looking forward to Elder Scott's talk, but all I did was cry during it. Thinking how lucky his wife was to have someone love her so much. Pathetic I know, but I just couldn't stop. Well enough rambling for now. I need to go switch the wash.

Weeding

There is something about working in the yard that is soothing to my soul. It gives me time to just think. Nobody bothers me, the time is my own. As I pull the weeds I feel as if I'm clearing out the junk in my life if just for that brief moment in time. For that moment I feel as if life is in balance and I have a bit of control. Guess it is a good thing that I have a ton of weeds to pull.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard this song. I absolutely love it. I love anything that reminds me to have hope and rely on God. Enjoy.

Step 4-Truth

Happy April Fools Day!
New month, new step. Step 4-Truth:

Key Principle: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves.

This step last time was a little scary. Did I really want to get to know myself? I spent months on this step. This time I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm ready to really get to know me better. See what else is in my way to become who I want to become. Brigham Young said: "The greatest lesson you can learn is to know yourselves." Well this step really helps.

Action step for today: Get a journal, make it pretty and find a place to put it away from others eyes.
Writing plays a big part in step four for me.
Have a great day!

Passing Through The Eye of the Storm

I realize I have been in the eye of the storm and now am entering the other side. What will happen I don't know. I am really glad I had the quote I posted yesterday. That I won't experience a moment more difficulty than I need. I wish I didn't need so much, but it's at least comforting that I won't get any more than I must.


Seek Revelation and follow it. The last part of step three.

Spirituality yields two fruits. The first is inspiration to know what to do. The second is power, or the capacity to do it. These two capacities come together. That’s why Nephi could say, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded.” ² He knew the spiritual laws upon which inspiration and power are based. Yes, God answers prayer and gives us spiritual direction when we live obediently and exercise the required faith in Him. Link Elder Scott

 

Thought Questions

• When I receive revelation from God, how can I have the courage to follow it? 
• As I read Elder Scott's complete talk what else can I learn about receiving guidance from the Lord?
• How have I been applying faith and real intent in my prayers and in following the will of God?

Now I get to see what I am really made of and believe. I think that is why my storm is getting stronger.

Trials Are Good

There are times when I think I can't take life anymore. I want things to change, and to change now. Oh if life were that easy. But it always seems to be that just when you think you can't take one more thing going wrong, life gets a bit better for a moment to give you a chance to breath. It is always like this. I just have to remember to hang on a little longer it will get better. Then this morning when I'm reading step 3 I get this quote by Elder Richard G. Scott:

When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved  Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. Talk

That is really comforting to me. It does amaze me as to how much we can endure though, we are amazing.
Thought questions for today:

• How can I come to trust that God's plan will bless me and those that I love?
• Why is it important to submit cheerfully?
• How can I learn to submit cheerfully
• How does keeping a gratitude journal help me to submit cheerfully to God's will?

I will say that not fighting my trials tooth and nail makes it much easier to bear them when "I let go and let God". 

Also when I try to look for my blessings for the day. It is really hard to be bitter when you are trying to be grateful. 

Don't Counsel God

I came home from my 12 step meeting yesterday and my husband and son were working in the kitchen on their 12 manual. YEAH!!!! They were actually writing in their books. My husband hates to write in books, so this is progress. Goes to show God is in charge. Sometimes we just pretend to be but he really is. Much easier to not even pretend and let God do his thing. Which brings me to days thought:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) and


"Seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand." (Jacob 4:10)

Mother doesn't always know best. Thought questions for today:

• What can I do to trust God's guidance instead of trusting my own understanding? 
• In what ways have I tried to counsel the Lord?

The last question would take pages to answer. I have tried to tell God what to do in regard to my family a lot. Now it's help them in the way that they need most, or if that's what is best. I now know how little I know.

The Lord Knows More

I wonder what would have happened to my son if I had left my husband instead of hanging in there. Would he have thought that I couldn't love him anymore because  he has this problem too? I don't know. But I'm glad I hung in there. I think that my son having a problem (albeit much, much less than my husband) will help my husband.

The conviction that the Lord knows more than we do and that he will answer our prayers in the way that is best for us and for all of his other children is a vital ingredient of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ." Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Study and thought questions for this part of Step Three:

• How can I come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for  my good--even when they aren't happening as I had hoped?
• How can I increase my faith in God's guidance? (Alma 32:33-34) 

Faith and Character

I'm still studying faith. Great subject I could stay on it for a long time ha-ha. The other article from the November 2010 Ensign that I really liked on faith was The Transforming Power of Faith and Character by Elder Richard G. Scott. He says that faith and character are intimately related. I had never thought of that before, but it made sense. When my husband was deep into his addiction I would wonder how he could have such a lack of character. Now it makes sense. He lacked faith. I feel really blessed growing up with a strong belief in God and the knowledge that he loved me and answered my prayers. My husband didn't. He didn't have that strong foundation. That is something that he needs to work on for himself. That is one of the reasons that he is having such a hard time with this I think. Some quotes I like:

Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is intended to be used. 

We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day. Righteous character is a precious manifestation of what you are becoming. Righteous character is more valuable than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study, or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind. In the next life your righteous character will be evaluated to assess how well you used the privilege of mortality. 

 We will be evaluated to assess how well we used the privilege of mortality. It's a privilege to be here, problems and all. I told my husband the other day that I was glad I married him, problems and all. That there probably wasn't a better way for me to get to know God and myself than going through this trial. That other trials I had just weren't what it took to shake me up. I needed this. He looked at me as if I was nuts. Maybe once he gets past step 5 he will think differently. I hope. When I think that he would rather of never been married to me I go crazy. So I just think that he could have had it worse aka Fantasy Blowup. lol

As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow.

See we are to be thankful that this problem isn't a quick fix. Although that would be nice. But then neither one of us would have had sufficient time for us to grow in the ways that we need to.

 A consistent, righteous life produces an inner power and strength that can be permanently resistant to the eroding influence of sin and transgression. Your faith in Jesus Christ and obedience to His commandments will strengthen your character. Your character is a measure of what you are becoming. It is the evidence of how well you are using your time on earth in this period of mortal probation.

You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about. Lack of character leads one under pressure to satisfy appetite or seek personal gain. You cannot successfully bolster a weak character with the cloak of pretense.

 

 I think before I found out about my husbands addiction, I took life for granted. I was passive. I let life take over and didn't put the important things first. That's what is so great about this challenge, if you don't want to keep feeling like your life is out of control and you are a pawn, you need to take life by the reigns and prioritize. What is really important? Who do you want to become? Where do I want to end up?

Choose Faith

As I was studying faith today to talk about with my family, I thought that faith works with Step Three. You need faith to trust God. In the The Family A Proclamation To The World  and it said, "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith,... Notice that faith was listed first. So I'm going to study it some more.  I read two articles in the November 2010 Ensign. I'll focus on the first one today: Faith the Choice is Yours by Richard C. Edgley. I liked that he put the responsibility for having faith or the lack of it on us. It requires effort to get and keep. We  need to "nurture" it.  He lays out Alma's formula for developing faith.

1. Humbly approach God with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
2. Choose to exercise a particle of faith--experiment on his words (John 7:17).
3. When logic, reason or personal intellect come into conflict with sacred teachings and doctrine or conflicting messages assault your beliefs--choose not to cast the seed (faith) out of your heart by unbelief. Remember we receive not a witness until after the trial of our faith. (Ether12:6)
4. Choose to nurture it with great care (Alma 32:37). It  needs constant nourishment through scripture study, prayer and applying His word.

A lot of action words. It requires effort on our part. Then he quoted Matthew 17:20, "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove". Then he tells of seeing mountains of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Witnessing mountains of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And mountains of pain being replaced with peace, hope and gratitude. I had never thought of it like that before but I felt a real peace after reading it. I know as my faith increases, so does my ability to handle the tough times. So I really see the wisdom of nurturing my faith.

Prayer is the Key

Elder Boyd K. Packer said: "Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees. Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil. And I have learned to conclude all  my prayers with 'Thy will be done'."  I like the part that the lock is on my side of the veil. God doesn't force himself on us at all. When I was young I had several experiences with prayer that reinforced my belief in prayer as a good thing. It seems that child like faith came easy when I was young.

When I was in college I learned that Satan doesn't want me to pray. So  I know if he doesn't like it, it must be an awesome power. I know that times when my thoughts had become "unmanageable" it was harder for me to pray and listen. But when I stay focused on my scripture study it is much easier, my faith is stronger and my hearing better.

Ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness. Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you. (Alma 34:27)

Ponder questions:

• What do I need to do to make prayer part of my daily life?
• What can I do to unlock my side of the veil?
• How can I learn to end my prayers with, "Thy will be done"? 

I Need Thee Always

The next step to study for Step Three is Prayer. The April Ensign has several interesting articles about prayer, which is very convenient for this step. I really enjoyed the article "I Need Thee Every Hour" by Elder Brent H. Nielson.  He says:

I observed that as we become casual in our relationship with Deity and as we minimize the importance of constant communication through prayer, we may begin to feel overwhelmed, become confused, and even be deceived, finding ourselves doing things that are not in accordance with God's will.

I know that has happened to me many times. He then gives us four reasons that we should pray.

1. The Lord has commanded us to pray.
2. We pray for forgiveness, to avoid temptation, and to conquer Satan. (Luke 22: 31-32) (D&C 10:5)
3. We pray to give thanks and to request temporal and spiritual blessings. The Bible Dictionary says about prayer's purpose: "The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are  made conditional on our asking for them."  I like this. He wants us to come to him.
4. We pray to receive personal revelation.  "But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation" (Alma 17:2-3)

Then a question he asks at the end which I think is my thought for today. "If the Savior of the world felt the  need for constant prayer, how much greater is our need? 

Draw Near Unto Me

I really like this new manual for the 12 step program. The study and understanding section is really good. Right now I am working on  the "Draw near unto me" section of step three.

He does not promise that it will be an easy journey, but he does promise that the necessary assistance and guidance will be available. He has said, 'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." (D &C 88:63)  President Hugh B. Brown

The the questions are:

• What can I do to diligently seek my Heavenly Father and my Savior?
• How can I come to believe that whatever I ask, I will receive according to His will?

Right  now I'm tearing the scripture apart to understand it better. I really like the Topical Guide in the Bible. I'm reading the section God, Access to God. It is really informative reading the scriptures and what provides access to God and what doesn't. A couple of my favorites so far are, 2 Chronicles 15:4 and Jeremiah 29:13.

I feel such a peace when I study the scriptures.

I like the new Mormon Message.

Happily Ever After

Yesterday while I was driving to the temple I had an overwhelming peace come over me. I knew I could be happy and that I would be okay, no matter what my husband did, didn't do, believed or didn't believe. I know me, what I think feel, did or didn't do or believe. His beliefs are his problem. It felt so good. If I can keep that feeling it would be easy. But life isn't easy so I will try to keep that experience for when I need it in the future.

The quote today from Step Three:

"We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own 'happily ever after.' The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness....All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan."  President Dieter F. Uchtdort

There is again, trust in God. Why do we have such a hard time trusting God. He is perfect, we aren't. Wouldn't it make sense to trust someone who doesn't make mistakes? But we don't at first. We have to keep falling on our faces before we admit that maybe we don't know what we are doing. Then we wonder why our kids don't listen to us and learn from our mistakes. We make our life harder than it needs to be by insisting that we do things our way first.

I finished a book today The Lessons of Love by Melody Beattie it was an interesting book. A quick read. It was about how she had a big loss her son died and how she almost died of a broken heart and how she rediscovered her  passion for life again. Realizing that all the hard times were teaching her about love. I related to it on the level of mourning for a marriage I wanted that won't get. Wanting to die because I felt life was just to hard and was pointless. But then realizing it wasn't just about me. My kids needed me. I needed to find me. To learn to find joy and love. I'm still a work in progress, but I am not in the dark place I used to be. I'm working on my 'happily ever after.'

Promise of Step Three

My husband and son went to their twelve step meeting last night. I'm so glad. Now if they will work the steps.

As I was reading in Step Three this morning, I came to "The Promise of Step Three." There is a quote by Elder Richard G. Scott that I really love.

The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you. Link

I really like the part of our progress is accelerated when we are willing to allow Him to lead us through our growth experiences. Allow--isn't that Step Three in a nutshell. We trust so we allow him. The entire talk is really good. I liked how encouraged us to be creative for it brings joy.  He also counsels us to make a list of things we can do for happiness. This is something we can turn to when we feel discouraged and hopeless. Hopefully if we do something on the list it will get us out of the pit of despair so we can progress.

My husband and son went to their twelve step meeting last night. I'm so glad. Now if they will work the steps.

Am I open to the Holy Spirit?

Today I was reading the new Family Support Guide for step 3. I really like it. There are four action steps for me to work on.

1. Learn to walk by Faith
2. Pray and patiently wait for answers   There is that patient word again.
3. Submit our will
4. Find our part in God's plan

There was a quote by Elder Scott under #2 which really hit me. 

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride." Ensign Nov. 2009 Talk

Wow, I never thought of that before. How many times have I missed out on the influence of the Holy Spirit because I was angry or swallowed up by fear? No wonder sometimes I felt alone. I wasn't opened up to feeling the spirit. This is something  I will focus on remembering. I think I will make a sign with the quote and hang it up in my house to remind me.