"Love is Kind"

Well yesterday's dare to say nothing negative, I had two little slips. But, I did catch them immediately and apologize. Maybe today will be better. http://lds.org/ensign/1980/10/patience?lang=eng This is an excellent article that I read about patience. I should read it monthly.

Day 2 Dare:

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

In the book "The Love Dare" it talks about "Kindness is love in action." Which is what it is. Another quote from the book I really like is: "Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing." It also broke kindness into four basic core ingredients:

1. Gentleness: Be gentle and sensitive, speak the truth in love.
2. Helpfulness: Meet the needs of the moment.
3. Willingness: Be agreeable, cooperate, stay flexible. Look for reasons to compromise.
4. Initiative: Think ahead and take the first step. Like it says in the movie Robots: "See a need, fill a need."

I have learned that the more I serve someone and being kind is a form of service, I love them more. So this step makes perfect sense. So today I am going to make my husband breakfast in bed. This morning I read an excellent talk about kindness. Here is the link: http://lds.org/ensign/2005/05/the-virtue-of-kindness?lang=eng
This is something I am going to work on with my entire family. My kids have seen too much of us not being  kind in the past. They need to see more of the positive.

Love is Patient--Say Nothing Negative All Day

Okay so today is the first day of my doing "The Love Dare." So here is what is says for today:

"The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say  nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret." The Love Dare pg.4

I'm thinking this will be an easy day for me this time around. Last time I did this, not so easy. I wasn't so patient. But I have been working on this for a while and I am much more patient than I have ever been. So I hope I don't blow it today.

When my husband would say something I didn't like or agree with I would respond immediately, defend myself. I didn't really take the time to listen to what he was saying and think about it. So I would respond and things would go from bad to worse. Now I listen and try to understand before I say anything and it is much more peaceful around here.

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." James 1:19-20 

Let the dare begin!

"The Love Dare"

Well February is the month of Valentines Day. It hasn't been my favorite day to say the least. So I decided I'm going to be more proactive this coming month and lead my heart to loving my husband more. I did "The Love Dare" a couple of years ago and it did help me love my husband more. I don't know if it helped my husband at all, but it did me.

So I am going to start again. It is a 40 day journey to really get to know your heart and learn more about yourself and  your husband. I'm going to start tomorrow if anyone wants to take the challenge with me. I think I'll watch the movie Fireproof  today to help get me in the mood.

The Heart

This morning in my study time I got thinking about the word heart and what it means. Yes we need it to live, as it pumps our blood throughout our body. But why does God talk about it so much. In the Bible heart is mentioned 826 times; hearts another 113 times. So then I went through my weird thinking process. In the 1828 Webster Dictionary I found: the first definition was the organ one, these interested me more:

2. The inner part of any thing; the middle part or interior; as the heart of a country, kingdom or empire; the heart of a town; the heart of a tree.

3. The chief part; the vital part; the vigorous or efficacious part.

4. The seat of the affections and passions, as of love, joy, grief, enmity, courage, pleasure &c.

Then in Jeremiah 17:9-10 it tell us the heart is more deceitful than all else and the Lord will search it.
Proverbs 17:3 says the Lord tries our hearts.
Deuteronomy 4:29 says if we seek the Lord thy God thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.
Deuteronomy 11:16--Take heed that your heart not be deceived.
Proverbs 23:7--as he thinketh in his heart so is he.
Ezekiel 18:31--cast away from you all your transgressions,... and make a new heart and a new spirit.

So what I came up with for me is I need to take charge of my heart. I can't let it go where it wants to go because it will take the easy path and that isn't always the best. I need to have it seek after God. Let go of my weaknesses and trust God. Check my heart constantly and make sure it is in the right place. It is too easy for me to get into a pitty party as you have seen. So I will strengthen my heart, it is vital to my salvation.

I am not my Savior.

I don't think that I understood the Atonement much before going through the 12 Step program. I am still working on understanding it actually. One thing I have got down is, I need the Savior. I can't make it back to God on my own. I can't even make it through the day without him.

Deep down I knew I needed him, but then I forgot about him helping me and I tried to do everything on my own. I need his mercy and his grace just to survive. I tried to do everything on my own. No wonder I was exhausted. The worst thing is the example that this set for my kids. At least I still have some home, they can see the change.

One thing I needed to accept before I could heal was that I needed help. I have always been independent and never wanted help from anybody. So it was even hard to admit I needed healing in the first place. But when your life feels so out of control you don't want to be a participant  in it anymore, maybe a viewer from afar, well then you need help. So I've turned my life over to God. I'm trying to listen to him as to what he wants me to do this time around. I've turned my kids over to him. I can't control what they do anymore.  I've turned my husband over to him. I can't control him that's for sure or he  would have been cured years ago. I will say for a control freak like me, this was hard. Admitting  I couldn't do everything. But could there be anybody better to turn it over to?

I'm just so glad he will let me repent and try again. I would hate for him to make my mistakes, mark me for life like the scarlet letter. I want to change and grow and he will let me. In fact, he encourages it. I wish everyone was like that, never reminding me of my mistakes. Heck I wish I was that way. I remember them and have a hard time sometimes letting them go. But I can't heal when I do that.

So step one, I accept the truth and reality that I am powerless over my spouses addiction and that as a result of my emotional responses toward their addiction, my thoughts and behaviors had become unmanageable. Now I'm ready to move to step two.

Butt-Kicker Emotions

I hate to admit it but I had a major relapse yesterday. So what is a relapse for me? Letting my emotions take me to an unhealthy, miserable place. Lately I've been really good about catching myself before it gets too bad. Yesterday, it was not the case.

So what is a butt-kicker emotion. These are emotions that trigger me into the spiral down to despair so to speak. They can be different for everyone. My top four butt-kicker emotions are:

1. Unloved
2. Powerlessness
3. Inadequacy
4. Unappreciated

Yesterday it was feeling unloved by my spouse. I don't know why it hit me so hard yesterday like it did. I  know, in my head, he doesn't feel love for me. I guess yesterday it hit me in the heart. I was vulnerable and went  to talk to my husband about his feelings. He has been withdrawing more the past two months or so, so I asked him about it. This was a mistake. I need to guard my heart more.

So my emotion of feeling unloved started taking over my body so to speak. So finally last night I pulled out  my survival notebook I made while doing LifeStar and went over it. In my book I have pictures that make me smile, quotes that lift my spirits, a letter I wrote to God during one of my 12 steps, "My Measuring Stick, and my "Emotional Folders," and some other miscellaneous stuff.  I read through my Unloved Emotional Folder and started feeling a little better. 

This is what I have on my Unloved page:

1. Negative Self Talk 

     What negative stuff have I been telling myself like 

•  I'm not good enough to be loved.
•  I don't deserve to be loved.
• Nobody loves  me.

2. I feel: then how am I feeling at that moment:

•  lonely, rejected, worthless, sad, regret

3. Healthy Self Talk: Now I feed myself healthy talk to replace the  negative. 

• God will always love me, no matter what! 
• I may not be good at everything, but I am good enough for God to love me.
• Everybody deserves to be loved.

4. What can I learn from this feeling?

• I'm relying on others to make me feel loved.
• I'm still not in a healthy place.

5.What am I going to do based on these lessons to cope in this moment?

• Take time out for myself. I made me cocoa and popcorn and watched a movie.
• I have other things listed but just did the above last night.

6. How does this help me in future situations?

• All of  my emotions seem to tie in together, with this being my major butt-kicker. I need to realize that I don't need to feel loved by others to be loved or worth loving.

Usually I catch myself with the negative talk and replace it with positive talk. And tell myself I'm relying on others to feel loved and that God loves  me know matter what. However, if I don't catch myself and I'm feeling vulnerable, watch out there I go. 

Vulnerability My Problem?

Last night I watched  this YouTube video my husband was told about. It was very thought provoking. It is by Brene (Sorry don't know how to put that mark over the e.)  Brown talking about shame, fear, connection and vulnerability and what it takes to be wholehearted. I have felt a lot of shame about my past and having a husband with an addiction. With that comes fear, fear I will never be good enough, fear that people will find out about his addiction, fear they will judge me, etc. I have lots of fears. I have been letting them go, but they have been there a long while. She made an interesting statement that the less you talk about shame the more you have. This I can understand. Once I talked about my life, all its imperfections, I started to heal. I started to learn to understand myself. So this part made sense.

Then she said that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love, or something to that effect. I have to say I hate feeling vulnerable. I like feeling in control and you can't be in control and be vulnerable at the same time. But you know she may be right. Because I didn't want to be vulnerable in my marriage maybe that is part of  our problem. I don't have any real close friends, again I think its because I don't  want to feel vulnerable. But because of this I know I am missing out on something good.

Anyway this is giving me food for thought. So here you can watch and see what you think. Let me know your thoughts.

LifeStar a LifeSaver

One thing is pretty certain. Pornography is a tough addiction to overcome and you usually need help overcoming it. It took my husband reading a book that that told him he needed a group and years of trying to overcome it himself, before he would finally get some help. Luckily we found LifeStar. They specialize in pornography and sexual addictions. They have different places around the country. They have a three phase program. The first phase the husband and wife can do together. It is a six week program that is very informational about the addiction. After the first phase you have the second phase where the women meet separately from the men. The women work on learning how to heal themselves, set boundaries etc. I think it is a wonderful program.

I didn't finish phase two because of family commitments, but I miss it. You really get to love the women that you are working with and are your support system. You really learn practical tools in how to live your life. My husband is still going and I know it is helping him. If you are needing some help and need some tools to become a healthier you. I recommend LifeStar. Hey mention you heard of them from myrefinersfire. :) Maybe one day I'll be back.

Joy--What is it?

At my meeting for spouses of pornography addicts, at the end we all read together the serenity pray plus some stuff which I really like. Here it is:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom [and inspiration from God] to know the difference. Living one day at a time...Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will.

As we continue to come to meetings, diligently study the Twelve Steps, ponder the questions and apply the spiritual principles, we will find hope, we will feel peace and we will experience joy again!"

I love reading that. It puts everything in perspective. We can't change our husband's addiction, only ourselves. The last line I love, we will find hope, feel peace and experience joy again, if we do the steps and let the Atonement heal us. I'm finally understanding all of this. Last night the word joy really jumped off the page and hit me. What is joy? Then this morning in my scripture study I'm reading 2 Nephi 2:23-25 which says:

"And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

There is was again--joy. We can't know joy without knowing misery--well I know that part well. God knows all and has a wise plan, I can trust him, and he intends for me to have joy. So what is it exactly? So I looked up joy in my Noah Websters 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language. I really like this edition. So here is what it said:

Joy "1. The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; that excitement of pleasurable feelings which is caused by success, good fortune, the gratification of desire or some good possessed, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exultation; exhilaration of spirits."

I really like that. The first thing I thought of was planning a vacation, I feel joy when I do because I'm expecting good things to happen. But then I thought a little deeper. When the angels came to the shepherds after Jesus was born, they brought "tidings of great joy." In John 16 it tell us our sorrow shall be turned to  joy. In vs. 22 "And ye now therefore have sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you." And in vs. 24, "Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full."

So for me, this all means, I'm meant to have joy, and I will only find true and lasting joy in coming to Christ. I had tried finding joy, peace and true happiness in my marriage. Didn't work too good. However, if I turn to Christ and try to be like him, he will fill me with joy. Even when life throws me bunches of sorrow and can still find peace, hope and experience joy again. This is something I have been experiencing recently and it is wonderful.

Feed The Recovery

You've probably heard the saying "What you think about, you bring about." It is so true. For instance, I used to focus on the negative traits of my husband instead of his positive traits. Since that was what I "fed" it got to the point, that was all I saw. I was making myself miserable. Here I was married to a man with no redeeming qualities. How could I be happy?

This reminds me of Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars. He focused on the wrong things and went to the dark side.

Thankfully, I decided things had to change, and change in a big way. I decided to stop noticing and thinking of my husbands negative qualities and focus on his good. I have to say it was hard at first. When you get so good at one thing then switch to the opposite it was hard. Especially when the relationship was not in a healthy place. So I needed outside help. I started praying daily if not several times a day to see the good in  my husband and to see him as God saw him.

That is when I really started to love and appreciate my husband. I still pray that way. It has been over a year now since I've been praying this way and it has made a world of difference in the way I see my husband. It has helped me to weather the tough times. I am much happier. Try it.

Prideful, Me?

I've been thinking about pride alot lately. I've decided it may be the key to any healing in either ours or our spouses recovery. Think about it, as long as we are prideful we can't be humble. If we aren't humble we can't honestly admit our thoughts and behaviors have become unmanageable. We can't honestly evaluate what we need to change about ourselves, because we aren't honestly looking at who we really are and what we have become. Maybe we are seeing ourselves better than our spouses. After all we aren't the one with that awful addiction. We must be better then them. Well that is pride.

I honestly don't know what I found so appealing about pride that I held onto it for so long. It isn't comforting. It didn't bring me peace, joy or happiness. It actually caused anger and frustration. I'm wondering if it can be a little addicting itself?

It was so painful for me to admit my faults to myself let alone anyone else. It took me a while to come to terms with who I really was as opposed to who I thought I was. It hurt. I mourned and then I started getting help and healing. The good new is that it gets easier and easier to admit my failings and that I don't know everything and that I need God. He knows me better than I do and it's time to let him take the lead.

Time For Me.

What is it that you do for you? I have to admit that in the past I haven't been to good about taking care of me except for reading. I LOVE to read. It is a great escape. But I need to have other outlets. So I'm going to get serious this year about getting caught up on my kids scrapbooks before they all leave the house. So now I am cleaning and organizing my craft/sewing room. My husband said I could set it up how I want, and that includes putting in a new floor. I can't wait. This is my retreat space. This is where I go to get away from it all and have me time. It is also where I do some of my studying and journaling. Pretty much everyone leaves me alone here, which is what I like. Although I want to make this a space for my daughter to be able to work in there with me.

I hope this year you take some time for yourself. Find things that interest you and do it. It helps you become a healthier, happier you. I have found this out the hard way.

On Being a Victim

One thing about working on Step 1, is you realize that being a victim doesn't work to help you heal and find the peace that we crave. Step 1 helped me realize I can't wait for things to get better to be happy. It might not ever get better. I needed to be responsible for my own problems and work on fixing them and create my own happiness. I can't wait around for my husband to change.

Now that I have worked through the steps once, I can see how far I have come. I still have a long ways to go, but at least its not as far as it used to be. I am feeling peace and happiness.

My husband is still in the victim role. Not as deep as he used to be so there is progress. But he won't make real progress until he moves out of it. I know its comforting to play the victim. We like to feel justified for what we do, right or wrong or how we feel. I deserve to feel angry or I deserve not to do anything now because he hurt me. Well I realized that it wasn't hurting him that I was mad at him, he was hardly ever home. It was hurting me and my kids so I decided to stop. Plus I saw how the anger was eating him up and I didn't want to be like that. Just letting that go made me feel so much better. It is really hard to work on healing when you are holding all those victim feelings inside. I needed to let it go, admit I wasn't perfect, and get to work on me.

I had to accept the facts. Yes I am married to an addict. Yes I made many mistakes. So what was I going to do about it? Work on me and let him figure his own problems out. Just doing that made me not feel so hopeless. I started to feel better. Just that one decision of accepting responsibility for my own actions and feelings, opened the door for Christ to come in and start helping me.

Self-esteem, What's That?

When I found out about my husband viewing pornography, I would say my self-esteem, plummeted to almost zero. This addiction is hard to not take personal. I still fight with that as you will see when I write "my story." (I'm working on this, it will be up this week.) However, a healthy self-esteem is something we need to help us heal and to help others.

 So how do I work on it? This has been hard for me especially since I haven't received much positive anything from my spouse. The place I have found the most help is from God. In my prayers, which seem anymore to be almost constant, from my scripture study and positive readings that I have to fill my head with. My daughter in college found a quote she emailed me and I typed it up and have it hanging on my mirror in the bathroom. I read it daily and it reminds me that it is okay to work on me. So I thought I would share.

"Since self-esteem controls ultimately our ability to love God, to love others, and to love life, nothing is more central than our need to build justifiable self-esteem. Self Contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven."  --Neal A. Maxwell

I read this and it reminds me not to let Satan win another battle in my life. I know he wants me to be negative and not like myself. What good am I to anybody when I'm like that? I've lived like that for far too long and I'm not going to any longer. Sure I will have moments, okay days, where I will feel like I've been run over by the bulldozer of negativity. But I will no longer stay there. I will fight back to keep my thoughts above ground. I realize now this is war. A literal war I feel Satan is waging within my family. I will not let him win!

12 Step Program for Spouses of Pornography Addicts

Why did I start going to a 12 step group? Actually I never would have even thought to look for a group. I didn't know they existed. My husband went to a 12 step group for addicts and he brought home the information for me and suggested that I go. I'm so glad he did.

It took me a couple of weeks to get up the nerve to go. I was scared to death. I had thought I would always be alone in my struggle of living with a porn addict. I wasn't going to tell anyone of my husbands addiction.  I didn't want to be judged I guess. I was hurting so much that I didn't think anything or anyone would be able to help or that nobody would be able to relate. Now I realize how silly I was. Everyone there, was there because their husband had an addiction too.

It was good to finally have a safe place to go. A place where others knew somewhat of the struggles I was facing. Also, most importantly, to have a program that truly is inspired of God. The 12 steps are basically, breaking the atonement down to manageable size pieces in order to apply it to my life. I credit it for saving my life, or I guess really giving me a new, improved life. Before I really started working the steps,  I was tired of living. It was too hard. I didn't see any point any more. But I was so wrong.

I encourage every woman that is living with a pornography addict to find a group in your area. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed these steps to help bring balance, peace and normalcy into my life. Hopefully it will help you too.

Most Important Part of My Day

If I don't take care of myself first thing in the morning, the rest of the day doesn't go as smoothly. In fact sometimes I should just stay in bed. My thoughts sometimes tend to get the best of me and my patience isn't as it should be. I have my morning ritual which doesn't always happen, but I try. This is my morning:

• Up at 5:40
• Scripture study
• Work the 12 steps
• Exercise
• Blog

I don't always get what I  need done in time to start the rest of the day at 9 but I try. The key is getting up on time. The weekends are the hardest for me as my schedule isn't the same. So I sleep in a bit.

The most important thing for my moods and keeping myself positive throughout the day is my scripture study. I've tried doing it later in the day, however, I need the boost it gives me in the morning. Also, the most important part of it lately for me, has been my pondering time. I am trying to listen to the spirit to see how I am to apply what I am reading to my life. I haven't always done this because I feel "guilty" just sitting and not doing anything. But honestly, I have been getting more insights for me and my family in just the last few months by doing this, than the rest of my past life. So here is another thing I wish I could change about my past. Maybe the past few years wouldn't have been so hard. Oh well, now I know I do.

Satisfaction in Marriage?

My daughter called this morning as research for her marriage class, and asked me what factors do I think contribute to satisfaction in marriage? At first I laughed. If anyone hasn't had a successful marriage for the most part, that would be me. Although I will say that it is getting much better. Then I thought since I have done a lot wrong I know what doesn't work. This has been something I have been working on hard the past five years so I gave her my two cents worth and I'll post them here.

• Don't make your spouse the center of your marriage. He or she will let you down sometimes. Put God first. He loves you always--no matter what!
• Don't try to fix your spouse--fix yourself. Jesus knew what he was talking about with the pulling the mote out of the eye bit. (Luke 6:41-42)
• Think before you speak and then sometimes be quiet.
• Never give up.
• Serve your spouse in love. (Galatians 5:13)
• Listen to the spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23, 25-26)

Well those are my top six.
What are yours?

I think my biggest enemy is myself

My thoughts can drive me crazy. Within a matter of minutes I can have a thought and my mind runs with it. I can make something little blow out of proportion and the end of the world is coming or on the flip side decide that everything is going to be a bed of roses. I have to say, things used to be more often than not on the negative side. However, when I am taking care of myself they tend to be more positive.

I love this quote: " We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond. When we place blame for our actions on others or circumstances that we find ourselves in, we can never gain the strngth to change."  Elder L. Lionel Kendrick 
"Strength During Struggles" Ensign, Oct. 2001

I used to blame my unhappiness on my husband. Well that didn't make me happy. I needed to take responsibility for my own actions and my own happiness. Once I started doing this (Thank you twelve steps and counseling) I started to feel better. Things started to go better. Is it perfect. No way, but geting better all the time.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Have you ever said something and then latter wish you didn't? I have.

Over 20 years ago when I first got married, I said something to my husband so he would be quiet and leave me alone. Then I forgot about it. But my dear husband didn't. It ate at  him for over 20 years. (I think it still is.) I didn't remember it until he brought it up 20 years later, and then only vaguely.  I have apologized, but to no avail. It was something that I shouldn't have said. I was young and stupid. If I could go back in time I would go back then and change that moment in time. It wasn't a loving thing to say to someone I loved. It left him feeling that I didn't love him. It didn't matter what I said or did after that, that was all he remembered and focused on. I am sure that it didn't help him with his addiction either.

I made a choice but I couldn't choose the consequences. I think twice now before I say anything. I still make mistakes but at least I am trying.

Anyone have a time machine?

My Unmanageable Thoughts and Behaviors

"Our own thoughts and behaviors have become unmanageable." (From step 1)
When I first read this a year and a half ago, I wondered 'what are they talking about?'
But then I stopped and seriously took a look at myself. Which is always the hardest thing for me to do, to take inventory of myself and see that I'm not perfect.
Some of my "unmanageable thoughts and behaviors" were:

• If I were thinner then he would love me.
• He is late, he must be looking at porn. So I couldn't sleep, then I would call him etc. This area was my most unmanageable. I became exhausted.
• Checking the home computer history.
• Wishing I wasn't married to him.
• Maybe if I had sex more he would stop.
• Wanting to control my husband.
• Focusing on his negative qualities.

Well I realized all I was doing was driving myself crazy. It wasn't helping him at all but probably making it worse.

I could be skinny as a rail and it wouldn't make him love me. Even if that is what he said.

Ya he is late a lot, 3 or 4am or later. Yes sometimes he is looking at porn, not always. Time of day doesn't matter when it comes to looking at porn. I needed to take care of myself and get some sleep. I had other people depending on me. I don't want to let them down. I recently set a boundary here to help me more with this. If he isn't home by midnight he will find his pillow and toothbrush outside the locked bedroom door. I'm tired of being woke up when I finally do get to sleep. So far he has been home by midnight.

I don't check the home computer history. He hardly uses it and it took too much of my energy.

I have been praying to love my husband and to see the good in him for over a year now and I will say it has really worked. I don't wish either of us was somewhere else now. I stopped looking and dwelling on his faults. I truly love him. I pray for his success. This has probably helped me more than anything else. I see the wisdom now of Christ saying "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Matthew 5:44

Once I stopped focusing on him and his problems and started focusing on my problems, I started to heal.

Internet a curse or a blessing?

There are things I like about having the internet such as, paying bills online, shopping, research, planning vacations, emailing family etc.. However, I hate, absolutely hate how easy pornography is to find and that it can come into my home. You really don't even have to look for it, it's thrown in your face. A filter doesn't catch everything either.

I would say once we started getting internet at home and at work, that's when my husbands addiction exploded into the uncontrollable problem it became.

But how to live without it?

Goals

One of my goals for 2011 is to work through the 12 step program for spouses of sex addicts. last year I finished working through them for the first time and it had taken me one and a half years. This time I'm working one step a month. I figure this is something I will need to do for the rest of my life to become who I want to be.

Step 1:  "Accept the truth and reality that we are powerless over our loved ones' addiction, and that as a result of our emotional responses towards their addiction, our own thoughts and behaviours have become unmanageable."

This was hard for a control freak like me to admit. I couldn't change my husband? No, I couldn't change anybody but me, for that matter. I like being in control. So the first part of this step for me is to let go of the feeling I need to fix everything and everybody. That is just too much pressure for one person. Yet I had willingly put it on myself for years. I had really thought I could control what others became. How sad is that? I learned that I was co-dependent.

This step was the beginning of freedom. Just reminding myself, I'm only responsible for my actions, not my husbands, my kids, not one other living soul.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up in a very conservative, christian home. Sex was not something ever talked about. This little girl thought if she was a very good little girl she would marry her prince and live happily ever after. Reality Check! That isn't how life works. Darn, but then it would be too easy. Where would the challenge be. But one can dream.

I've been married to my "prince" for over 20 years now. Around fifteen or sixteen years ago I discovered my husband was looking at pornography. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I had found the porn under our bedroom mattress. I can still see the image of that first picture I found and I feel sick.

I felt alone. I couldn't talk to anybody about this. Who would understand and not judge us. So I withdrew inside myself. I didn't reach out to be friends with anyone. They couldn't find out our secret.  I didn't want to be judged. I was all alone. Then a year and a half ago I found a support group for spouses of porn addicts. They were a 12 step support group. It saved my life. That along with some counseling.

Step 12 is why I'm starting this blog. If anyone out in this big cyber world  finds this blog and has a spouse with an addiction. Maybe they can find some support and hope here. This experience has been a refiners fire for me. It has helped me get to know myself, change things that need changing and accept things that need to be accepted for what they were. I have gotten closer to God than I would have ever done without this trial. That alone has made it worth it. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But good things do come from bad and miracles still happen.

I'm remaining annonymous. Only a couple of my children know about their fathers addiction. None of our extended family and none of our friends. I want to keep it that way right now.  So lets call me Belle. From my favorite Disney Princess of Beauty and the Beast. My spouse will be the Beast until he is free from the chains of his pornography addiction, then he will become my prince again. Later I will post more of my story. Fill free to share yours. It's nice to know we are not alone. First names only.