My Story

This is a hard one for me to write. To admit my weaknesses for all the world to see is daunting. Well here goes.

I grew up in a very religious, strict LDS home. I am the oldest child. So I'm sure my parents made mistakes with me as I did with my oldest child. We didn't talk about sex at all in my home. When I did get the one and only birds and bees talk, my dad was the one to do all the talking and it was so scientific I thought who would want to do that, gross. That was it. Nothing else. My parents relationship was never physical in my eyes. I don't remember them holding hands, kissing, nothing. Their form of communicating with each other was to argue. That was normal. I had a good childhood. But I wouldn't say I was really close to anybody in my family. I couldn't tell them how I was feeling. I was a good student and wanted to be a good person so my parents would be proud of me. None of them know this story.

I met my husband the last semester of my senior year at college. We instantly hit it off. I have never felt more comfortable with anyone, ever. He was considerate, kind and incredible thoughtful and can always make me laugh. He wasn't materialistic. People seemed more important to him than things. I also thought he was tall, dark and handsome. How lucky was I.  We got married the following summer in the SLC Temple. His family are not members so he was all alone. That was the beginning of the end of his happiness over 25 years ago, so he tells me.

We could talk about everything but sex. I admit this was my hang-up. To this day I'm trying to make myself understand how I couldn't talk to my spouse about it. I didn't feel comfortable about this. I had a very hard time switching gears to thinking sex was ok for pleasure and not just pro-creation. I just didn't think very much about sex at all. While my husband thought about it all the time. He wondered what was wrong with me. I had sex when he wanted it, but I never initiated it and didn't learn how to enjoy it. He felt like he was a failure, unloved and used.  As the years went by when we did have sex he would be angry the next day and so I linked sex to anger and avoided it if I could.  Instead of thinking oh, we have a problem here what can I do to fix it.

So he turned to porn to feel loved. He had first viewed porn when he was twelve. His dad had magazines that he looked at. So it was easy to get back into it. The past 10 years or so the addiction has gotten worse to the point of it almost making him lose his job and his health. He acquired a autoimmune disease that is chronic and affects how he handles stress. He also became clinically depressed among other things. He also became a very angry person. I didn't know why for a long while. He first got angry about a month after we got married. I think anger itself is addictive and it's easy to get carried away by it.  I will say that for about the past six months he has controlled his anger and we have more peace in our home now. So I have hope for him overcoming the pornography addiction. If he can overcome the anger, which had become a daily thing, he can overcome pornography.

The 3 C's of Al-Anon are I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I feel for me there is a fourth C, contribute. I did help contribute to it. It has taken me a while to finally come to accept that I didn't cause it. He had a choice of whether to seek it out and look at it or not. He could have done other things. When I think about my life I feel so completely sad. I would love to be able to start over.

I have now come to learn, yes for me I needed to learn, to enjoy sex. All those wasted years.  I found a book about seven years ago that helped me with understanding that God intended us to enjoy sex.  It is called "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment" by Laura M. Brotherson. Oh how I wish I had this before I got married. I had nothing. Before my daughter got married you can bet that I talked to her and had her read things. I didn't want her life to be like mine. I'm sure my son-in-law is most grateful. I sometimes wonder if I should have even ever got married, and to my husband. I still feel that I should. I wouldn't have had my children if I didn't and I wouldn't have had this great opportunity to grow. But, I would never, never wish this on another living soul.

Where are we now? I love my husband more than I ever had. He doesn't love me. He has blamed me for everything bad that has happened in his life.  He is struggling with how I could lie to him (I didn't tell him I wouldn't like sex) and use him (marry him and he doesn't get sex like he wanted since "it is the only thing different when you get married"). He isn’t ready to forgive yet.  He is also angry with God for not helping him with his addiction and having me as his wife. He is going to Lifestar and I can see it helping him. He is calmer and doesn't yell. He seems to want to have this addiction gone.  I’m in a better place now than I have been for years. I know that I can learn things from this experience. I am getting closer to God and coming to know Christ in ways it wouldn’t have if I haven’t had to turn to God in this time of need. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I can rise above this. I can learn from my mistakes and become a better me. If I am just going through this so I can help my children, than it will be worth it. I hope that one day we will have the marriage we both thought we were going to get. But until then, endure.