Admit To Ourselves

The next action step for Step Five is to admit to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. Sometimes this is the hardest or the easiest. Do we really want to acknowledge that we aren't as good as we want to be? But we need to or we are not going to ever improve. I think this also helps us to really get to know ourselves. If we have been living in a state of denial we are just hiding from ourselves and we aren't making any progress. Ya, I've been here and done that. It was hard to admit, because it took a while to see that was what I had been doing. I had stuffed a lot of things out of my sight so to speak, just so I could cope. But if I wanted to heal I needed to dig up everything and acknowledge who I was and who I wanted to be. I'm still trying to discover myself. I hope it doesn't take my kids as long as it is taking me. I like this quote from the handbook:

Feelings of shame or regret will never diminish if we continue to replay them over and over again in our minds or hide them from our consciousness. They no longer need to invade our peace and contaminate how we feel about ourselves. 

There you go. Get it out in the open, acknowledge it, work on it and move on.

What's My Mission?

I came across a talk yesterday that really got me thinking in new ways. Stretched me you might say. It was a talk given by Julie B. Beck at BYU Women's Conference in 2010. I wish I could find the talk itself recorded but haven't yet. Here is the link to the talk. I highly recommend reading it. It was about three things:

1. What it means to choose to serve the Lord?
2. What that spirit is that  is put upon us?
3. How we walk with the Lord?

She talked about what is our vision? Why are we here on earth? She talks about studying the life of Rebekah in the Old Testament and realized how important she was, and how we can be like her. "We each are pivotal in our families, and the success of the house of Israel is now dependent on millions of Rebekah’s who understand what their place and mission is on the earth."

She talked about the power of a faithful group of women who help and support one another and how important that is in todays environment. I first thought of the Twelve Step Support Group, we help each other, then Relief Society.

Then the answer to question two above: The power of personal revelation.  “The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important ability that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit and implies a certain degree of worthiness. Keeping the commandments, repenting, and renewing covenants made at baptism lead to the blessing of always having the Lord’s Spirit with us.³ When we have that spirit, we can walk with God. We can know His Son and make proper choices."

Then she talks about how we walk with the Lord.

I was taught years ago that when our priorities are out of order, we lose power. If we need power and influence to carry out our mission, then our priorities have to be straight.

Years ago I began using a system that works for me, and maybe it will work for you. There was a time when I needed to prioritize, and in one of those sacred meetings between me and the Lord, He gave me three categories that I have worked from, and they have been a guide in my life. The categories are the essential things, the necessary things, and the nice-to-do things. I started writing those things down. I asked, “What has to go in the category of essential?” What things must be taken care of, and if I don’t take care of them, the blessings of eternal life won’t be mine nor will they be my family’s. 

Essential List:

• Revelation--knowing the will of God, so what put her in the position to hear his voice:
• Reading and studying the scriptures
• Personal prayer. She kept paper and pencil with her to record answers or instructions.
• Taking time to ponder and fast
• Making covenants and keeping them
• Going to sacrament meeting
• Repenting every week
• Going to the temple
• Sharing the gospel
• Service

Necessary List, necessary to create an environment where the Spirit of the Lord would be:

• Homemaking--house of order
• Cooking meals--a place to teach and gather
• Smiling, being happy around family
• Teach her children to pray and walk uprightly before the Lord.
• Becoming self-reliant temporally which affects spiritual self-reliance.
• Loving one another

Nice to do List:

• Crafts
• Hobbies
• Recreational reading
• Movies
• Travel
• Lunches with friends

It goes on and is a great talk. Really made me think. I really never thought about having paper and pen with me when I pray. But it makes sense. She also mentioned a way to study the scriptures which fits in with Step 4. I really liked this talk and got a lot out of it. Today is a good day for me to kick it into gear to figure my mission out. Have a great day!

Talking to God

Action Steps for Step Five:

1. Admit to Heavenly Father

Here we get to tell Heavenly Father what we came up with in Step Four. None of this will shock or surprise him, he already knows all about it. I think this is for us. It helps humble us. Yes we have to admit we aren't as good as we thought we were. We admit it then we can work on changing whatever it is that needs changing. I think this also helps our relationship with God. It brings us closer together. It helps us turn to him and admit that we do need him after all.  This is were you can ask yourself the questions:

Are my Step 4 inventories sufficiently thorough to prepare me to confess to God?

How will this confession bless my life? 

 After doing this step the first time, I now try to recognize things as I go and do this then instead of having to dig them up from the past. But, things may still pop up now and again. The great thing about doing this is God is so loving and merciful. He is easy to talk to. He always listens with an unconditional love. Don't you wish everyone did?

Three Gifts

In the Family Support Guide  it lists three gifts that we receive through working Step Five.

1. Self-awareness
2. Self-evaluation
3. Self-acceptance

They can come softly or you can have an aha moment, and wonder why you didn't see that before. Frankly this is a very liberating step. Hard, but liberating. I think that is where the self-acceptance comes in. I had so many mixed emotions about myself before going through these steps. I felt unloved, inadequate, ugly etc. This addiction can really cause our self-esteem, what little we may have to start, plummet. As we go through the steps we can begin to see ourself as God sees us and learn to love ourselves again. This step is so vital for our healing. Elder Dean L. Larsen said:

It is necessary to accept ourselves with a self-love that is neither vain nor selfish, but rather one that is tolerant and understanding.

I read an interesting article yesterday in the Oct. 1996 Ensign called  "Sins and Mistakes". It was really comforting actually with something that had been bothering me. I highly recommend reading it.

What Are My Weapons Of Rebellion

I was reading my scriptures and I was in Alma 23. Great chapter. It is encouraging to see a people that were incredibly wicked have a complete change of heart and become righteous. Shows that there is hope for all. Shows that God is merciful too. There was one part that really made me think.

For they become a righteous people; they did lay down the weapons of their rebellion, that they did not fight against God any more, neither against any of their brethren.

Now, these are they who were converted unto the Lord:

So my question is what are my weapons of rebellion?  Doing the Twelve Steps gives us the opportunity to identify and get rid of our weapons. We discover different "weapons of rebellion" each time we go through it. I just loved the imagery of this section of scripture. Something more to think about.

 

Honesty

Sleep is so overrated I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of continuous sleep. I should just get up when I first wake up because I don't go back to sleep. Think how productive I could be, instead of lying there hoping I'll fall back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I'll start on Step 5. I'm still going to do Step Four but I've decided that is going to take a while to go through that book and really get to know myself. Actually, I'm going to make it a personal progress project. It will definitely be over ten hours. I'm sure I can fit it in somewhere.

Step 5 is Honesty. The Key Principle: Admit to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step recovery the exact nature of our wrongs.


Last time I did Step 5 I had stayed in Step 4 for months because I didn't want to do Step 5. So I made an appointment with someone to do Step 5 so I had to finish up step 4 and move on. I needed to move on it was time. Talking to another person about my failures etc. was what scared me. Talking to God was not the problem.  I now look back and think I didn't want to admit to myself that I had problems. I wanted only my husband to be the problem. He was the one with honesty issues, right? Obviously  I had some growing up to do. I will say that after Step 5 was done the real healing began. So this is so important. I think really getting honest with yourself about yourself is vital to making any lasting, real changes. Isn't that what we are here on earth for to learn and grow to become more Christlike? We can't do that until we acknowledge our character weaknesses, etc.

So take a deep breath, gird your loins and take that leap of faith.

Discover Our Negative Emotions

I hope all you mothers had a great Mother's Day. Mine started out crappy but got better.

The last things to talk about on Step Four is negative emotions. This is where we acknowledge all of our negative emotions (fear, anger, rage, hopelessness, worry, shame, frustration, worthlessness, inadequacy etc.). Write them down. Once we accept that they have become a part of us we can work on releasing them. We don't need them. We don't want them anymore. We are not going to blame them on anyone, that doesn't do us any good. We are just going to acknowledge that we have let these emotions become part of our life. We find out where we  let those feelings sneak in and how we fed them so they stayed. We learn from them, face them, then willingly let them go. This is a hard one. These feelings can keep coming back. Each time though it will be easier to recognize and deal with them faster instead of letting them fester and make us into who we don't want to be anymore. Here are the questions to help us.

• Define any fears that  control my life.
• Who or what do I feel anger or resentment towards?
• As I work on this inventory have I recognized that my  negative emotions do not disappear even if others change or ask for my forgiveness?
• How do fear and anger continue to poison and consume me?
• What am I willing to do to change this pattern in my life?
• What can I do to release these emotions and let them go?

All of Step Four can take time. Don't rush through it. Really go through the questions and discover yourself. I think this is a never ending process. We may not like all we find about ourselves but we can work on becoming who we really want to be. That is exciting.

The Adversary

I'm reading a book called "Return Four Phases of Our mortal Journey Home" by Robert D. Hales. I am really liking this book. Today I read Chapter 13, "Overcoming the Adversary." It was a very thought provoking chapter. He says that Satan isn't passive in his attack for our souls. He knows our weaknesses or our Achilles' heel, so we better know what they are so we can protect ourselves. This apply's to us and our spouses, well everybody actually. I like the following, I'll quote:

...when something disappointing, difficult, or even tragic happens in our lives, do we lose confidence in the Lord and try to console ourselves by turning (or returning) to sin? If so, we learn by sad experience that after we have transgressed, the light of Christ leaves us. We lose the influence of the Holy Ghost. We are cast into darkness, becoming utterly lonely and depressed. We don't recognize that Satan is influencing us. We can't see the truth of God's love. We are right where the adversary wants us--off the strait and narrow path, "wandering in strange roads" (I Nephi 8:32), and without any hope of finding happiness and peace again if we do not turn around, repent, and return to Him.

At such times, Satan deliberately tempts us to retreat to the sanctuary of our private thoughts and chambers. Such retreat ultimately puts us further under his darkening influence, leading us to despondency, frustration, and feelings of worthlessness...

Soon we are living as a spiritual hermit...Satan wants us to follow him into this kind of withdrawal, where we truly believe we cannot come back into the circle of the Lord's love. To everyone, everywhere, I testify that we can. With the Savior's help, we can always come back.

Does that sound familiar to anybody else? I know for my spouse, his addiction has become his coping method. Its what he turns too when stressed. So that cycle begins. Hopefully he is learning different coping methods and what his underlying reasons are in the first place to help break this cycle. I know when my crazy thinking kicks in and I don't catch myself, I feel stuck in paragraph two. Thats why I have to do the basics for me, scripture study, Twelve Step work, reading uplifting books, listening to uplifting music, prayer and temple attendance. If I don't do these things on a regular basis I'm vulnerable. I know Satan is attacking my family. He wants to destroy us. He wants all families destroyed. He can't have one and he wants us to be as miserable as he is.

He had questions at the end of each chapter which are good. Since I'm in the mode now of answering questions because of step four I'll share them:

• How vigilant am I in recognizing that the adversary has targeted me?
• What is my Achilles' heel? Do I take steps to shore up my weaknesses?
• Do I really believe that I have the power to command Satan to depart from my life?
• What do I do to continually fortify myself with the help of the Holy Ghost?
• Do I seek refuge in the temple from the adversary's influence?
• Do I call upon God and exercise faith in the Savior to conquer the adversary?
• How well do I learn from my mistakes?
• When I slip up, do I wallow in loneliness and despair, or do I return to the strait and narrow path and leave my sins behind?

I think questions are great. They get you thinking and stretching yourself to discover who we really are.

Mistakes, Shame and Blame

I really like going to meeting. It reminds me that I'm not alone and I can do this. So back to Step Four.

This section is titled Mistakes, Shame and Blame. Yea it evokes lots of fun. We have to go through this to see how our memories have impacted our life and hopefully stop them from holding us back from our potential.

• Which of my attitudes or actions from my past are keeping me from achieving peace or feeling joy?
• How can my Father in Heaven help me through this process?
• What am I willing to do through the repentance process to release these feelings?

The hard part is living with someone who keeps dumping the shame on you over and over. I hope I don't keep doing that to my husband because it isn't fun.

Here's to a great May!