Personal Relationships

Be careful what you pray for you might get it. I've been praying to be shown all my character weaknesses so I can work on eliminating them. So what has happened? I've been shown some of my character weaknesses. Mercifully, not all at once. Seeing my flaws is not what I would call a good time. But it was what I wanted right? Maybe? So I am making some progress on Step Four. As for being more regular on my blog I  haven't been so good. Since the weather has been nice I've needed to be in the yard pulling my lovely weeds and my husband has been working from home which always throws me for a loop. I'm glad this month is almost over. I'm hoping May will be better. So on to Step Four.

Evaluating Our Personal Relationships.
This week I've decided that I hardly know who my husband really is. He has hidden so much of himself from me and still does, that when I discover things I feel like I've been sharing my life with a complete stranger. I wonder if I will ever really know him? Being the co-dependent that I am, doing Step Four helps me to evaluate how my emotions  control my thoughts relative to my relationships with members of my family and others. If I notice a pattern of fear, negative thinking etc. I can work on changing it. I used to drive myself crazy with some of my negative thinking. I'm getting better, but this week I realized I still have a ways to go. The guide offers some questions to help.

1. Do I mainly focus on the behaviors of others?
2. Do I try to rescue others from the consequences of their addictive behavior?
3. Do I seek to point out the faults of others in order to control them or to make myself feel better?
4. Are any of these behaviors linked to unresolved issues from my past?
5. Where have I let self-will (wanting things to turn out the way I was sure would be best) take over and drive me to  be controlling and maybe even cruel or abusive to another person?
6. Where have I let self-pity overcome me with despair? Do I allow myself to create victim thinking patterns and blame others for my current state of unhappiness?
7. Where and when have I acted or even just felt self-righteous towards another?
8. What thoughts and feelings of judgment concerning others increase feelings of resentment?
9. What thoughts and emotions concerning the behaviors of others has been the source of my desire to fix and control someone else?
10. What situations in my life have I allowed to control me and my peace because of the way I have reacted towards others?

Wow, these are great thought provoking questions. Now I have even more to think about as I go pull weeds. Have a great day!

Our Weaknesses

Today my scripture study was  Alma 5 . What a great chapter for working Step Four. There were tons of questions Alma asked that are good questions for us to ask ourselves. Since Step Four is about getting to really know ourselves, these questions will really make you search your soul. Not a chapter to whip right through.

The study section I am on is "Recognize our own weaknesses." The quote at the beginning by Elder F. Enzio Busche is really good:

Without the capability to recognize truth, we will not be really free: we will be slaves to habits or prejudices heavily covered with excuses. 

This is where we discover our character weaknesses so we can work on overcoming them. This is where we admit we aren't as good as we thought we were. Sure our spouse has an addiction, but we have weaknesses that we need to overcome too. This is where we discover the beam in our own eye I guess, so we can work on getting it out.

Questions to write about and ponder:

• What character weaknesses have I come to recognize?
• How have they influenced my thought patterns?
• What fears, anger, resentment and frustration have I felt towards God and others?
• What childhood experiences have contributed to these feelings?
• Do I have negative emotions that poison and consume me?
• How have my attitudes and actions caused others pain and suffering?
• Have my feelings of resentment continued even after people have changed or sought my forgiveness? 

This is hard work, I'm not going to lie to you. This part isn't any easier for me this time than last time. But I definitely need it.

Blueprint For Progress

I received "Blueprint for Progress" by Al-Anon and it looks like it will be really good. I have to say it will be pretty intense to go through it though. It is going to take me a while and they recommend dating your answers so later when you go through it you can see the changes. I agree with that. The book has 96 pages so there is quite a bit to go through. The Sections that you do writing in are: honesty, self-worth, fear, anger, resentment, justification, control, attitudes, communication, responsibilities, finances, guilt, shame, relationships, trust, commitment, gratitude, love, intimacy, maturity, sex, values, character traits, character checklist and spirituality. It pretty much covers everything. When I read it where it says alcoholism I say addiction. You go through a lot of the same stuff for all addictions. I like the first paragraph in section, "The Purpose of Step Four."

The Fourth Step can be an essential tool for personal growth. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behavior of an alcoholic (porn addict) that we developed a limited sense of ourselves. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, neglected our potential, and become too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often our good qualities lay hidden behind frustration and fear.

I added (porn addict). I think we do lose ourselves with this addiction and doing the Twelve Steps helps us rediscover ourselves.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Easter. We celebrate the candy part of it tomorrow so today we dye the eggs. So Sunday we can focus of the real meaning of Easter. Have a great day!

 

Parents Be Responsible!

Yesterday I read this article link "Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps" by LZ Granderson. It was really interesting. It talked about parents letting their daughters dress sexy at a young age. What are parents thinking? If society thinks that this okay, which many do. They probably think pornography is okay also. Isn't this an introduction into soft porn? It makes it harder for our young men and husbands to keep there thoughts where they should be when a good chunk of the female population is roaming around half dressed. I have to say this is something that really bothers me.

I have a pre-teen daughter and I find it hard to find clothing at the store that is modest. In fact, I am in the process of sewing her some skirts because I can't find any that are long enough to be modest. Maybe if she was a really short person they would be long enough but she isn't. But I'm not going to let  her go around flashing her skin for all the world to see. So if parents would stop buying all those short skirts, and other immodest clothing, the clothing stores would start carrying clothes that don't make our children look like hookers.

Tender Mercies

Another important part of working Step Four is to remember God's help in our lives. We can pray  and ask Heavenly Father to help us remember his tender mercies in our life. Recognizing that God has been there for us in the past, helps us to trust him to help us now.

When I was  younger I had some experiences that showed me God's tender mercies toward me that have really given me hope through all my trials when I think back on them. I know God is aware of me and all I am going through. Also, sometimes I will have an aha moment when I can see a part that God had played that I hadn't realized at the time.

This would also be something good to do at Step Three too when we are having a hard time trusting in God. Some questions to help us:

• What are my earliest recollections of God's tender mercies?
• When has the Spirit quietly and profoundly spoken to me?
• During times of struggle and despair, how has Heavenly Father answered my prayers and strengthened me?
• Looking back over my life, when did the Lord intervene in a way that turned out to be a blessing to me?
• How does remembering these experiences help me to trust God's will? 
• How will this inventory strengthen my application of Step 2?

We should keep this handy for those times when darkness seems to overshadow us and we can't remember ever having been helped. Those times come so its good to have tools to help us move out of those times faster. 

Positive Traits-- We All Have Some

Today for Step Four: Listing our positive traits. It is much easier to list our faults, so it is better to start with our good traits. This helps us so we don't keep beating ourselves up for  not being perfect. We can see that there are redeeming qualities in ourselves. Everybody has something good about them. It is good to have this list for those days when you feel  you aren't doing anything right. We can look at it and remind ourselves that we aren't as bad as we think. This also prepares us to recognize and accept our weaknesses so we can work on them. We realize that we are okay in this one area so we can become better in the area we are currently weak in. No excuses.

Questions for today:

• As I have reviewed my life, what good qualities have I begun to recognize in myself? 
• When have I been courageous?
• When have I been compassionate?
• When have I been forgiving?
• What gifts have I received from God?
• How does this inventory affect how I feel about myself right now?

Think good thoughts and enjoy this song.

Look How Far You've Come

Today I read my life story that I wrote last year. Wow, talk about a flood of memories. Thankfully I am in a better place this year having gone through the 12 Steps. It is always good to look at how far you have come, because  looking how far you have yet to go can be daunting. I also read a couple of journal entries from a year ago. Ouch, I'm glad I'm not there right now.

 I'm still answering thought provoking questions. It is really good for showing me areas which I need to work on. It's a good thing I'm not in my eighties. Hopefully I will have time to develop some of the character traits that I'm lacking.

Al-Anon shipped my workbooks today. I'm really looking forward to seeing what they are like and to start working in them. My husband seems to be in a better place lately. Not sure why, not sure how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it while it is here.

Have a great spring day!

Self-Responsibility

They say every time you do a Step Four you peel back a layer about yourself, like an onion. I think that is true. I'm in a different place mentally this time doing this step, so I am seeing things in a different light. I expect that next time I'll see things differently too. I'm working on the questions found in Elder Porters talk I talked about before ( Here ). I'm finding I can't rush through them. I want to really think about them. Writing down my thoughts about it though is helpful. They are even good questions to randomly ask your kids. I asked my daughter one on a walk with the dog. I want her to get to know herself now and keep figuring out who she is along the path of life and not wait until she is old.

I was reading today in Step Four of "Codependents' Guide To The Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and    I liked what she said:

We take this Step to get to the core of recovery: self-responsibility.

We are responsible for ourselves-our circumstances and whether we choose to remain in them and our attitude toward these circumstances. We are responsible for what we have created in our lives and what we will create. We are responsible for our feelings. They are ours.

...Honestly facing ourselves and taking responsibility for ourselves is where our true power lies. 

We take this Step to enable ourselves to take responsibility for ourselves within the framework of reality. A by-product of looking within is that we master the lesson of our present circumstances, so we avoid a repeat performance. And we become healed enough to enjoy life and love. 

I really believe that. When we accept responsibility for our choices and how they have contributed to our problems we can start changing and healing. We stop taking the focus off of things we have no control over and focus on what we do have control of. This is easier to do this time around.

Start Writing!

How to begin to write a fourth step inventory. The support guide suggests using Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory if you want an in-depth explanation. I ordered it off of Al-Anon's website. It is a 96 page spiral bound workbook. It cost $7.50 plus $8 shipping. I got one for my husband to use whenever he gets to step four. I'm interested to see it.

One of the first ways to begin an inventory is to write about your life. Early childhood memories, school, dating, family life, marriage and up to the present. Write what you remember good and bad. Not every detail, just what influenced you and made an impact. This will get you started in seeing why you do, think etc. the way you do. Also you can see where you can't remember much at all. You can find areas that you need to work through more in depth. I'm going to go over the one I wrote last year and see what I can add to it.

I got up this morning at 4:35. You can get a lot done when you get up early I decided. I'll probably be feeling it later. But I couldn't sleep so I decided to just get up and get things done.
Have a great day!

Escape Into Myself

Back to working Step Four. Melody Beattie in "Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps" says that in Step Four we get to "learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us." I like that. This addiction really takes a toll on our self esteem and makes me feel unloved and unlovable a lot of the time. Working through this helps me to remember I am a daughter of God. I have to remind myself not to judge my past by what I know now. I am a different person now and would have been different in the past if I knew then, what I know now.

Study Step for today: Searching Inward

The discovery of self is a profoundly spiritual experience, one that is possible for anyone willing to learn. It comes neither in a mystical, magical manner nor by casual effort, but it is made possible only through practical, concrete means. Link

Thought questions

•  What insights can I gain by reading Elder Porter's entire talk?
• What are some specific ways that I can apply these insights in order to gain self-understanding through doing Step Four inventories?

I really enjoyed the talk. He talked about some means whereby we can get to know our selves.

1. Diaries and Journals
2. Self-questioning-- he listed some good questions to start with such as: "If  I were another person, would I enjoy being around myself? Am i cheerful, patient, radiant, kind?"
3. The Franklin Method. He referred to Benjamin Franklin's Autobiography, which is really good. How Franklin decided to work on 12 virtues then he added a 13th later. He would write down at the end of the day were he messed up. He found that he needed to write a plan to succeed. Thinking about it just didn't work. I like this idea. I think  this is something I will work on with the others.
4. Faith in Jesus Christ. "No amount of inward searching will avail an individual much without an active faith in the living Savior. ...Man simply cannot perfect himself, by himself."

The talk definitely gave me something to think about and work on. Parting thought:

The housewife who feels that her life is in a small box wedged between an oven, washer, and three peppy children may seek escape in television viewing or at a swimming pool, social club, or theater. The businessman, teacher, or scientist may get a “wedged-in” feeling and seek escape in the mountains or on the golf course.

A certain amount of such escape is necessary for everyone, but wouldn’t it be better sometimes if we escaped into ourselves? A quiet hour of self-examination, goal-setting, and meditation on the eternal purpose of life can be far more therapeutic than the back nine.

Ramblings From a Tired Mind

The past couple of days I have become the constant companion to our washer and dryer. We are on a first name basis. The washer is Cinderella because it works so hard without complaining and the dryer is Gaston, full of hot air. Then I got to thinking, that Belle really needed to thank Gaston. Without his obnoxious self she wouldn't have realized how much she cared for the Beast. Good can come from our trials. We just need to be patient and look for it. Sometimes I think we only notice it in hindsight. As you can see, I was doing laundry way too much. At least I'm almost done. However, because of all the time doing mindless but necessary work, my mind has been running wild.

Today I wonder why I don't really enjoy starting to do Step 4.  Getting to know myself better, what is so bad about that? I decided that I didn't like it because then I would start really feeling again. And for the past 25 years the majority of the feelings hurt, especially the past six years. It is easier for me to get to a place where I can be sort of numb. It feels safer for me there. The only problem is I don't let my self feel real joy because I try to block the pain. I wonder if that state was kind of like the Garden of Eden. They didn't know joy because the didn't know pain. They could have been just in this nice comfortable blissful numb. What a leap of courage it must have taken to take that first bite of fruit, knowing that their world as they knew it would never be the same again. They would know pain, lots of it. I can't even imagine what it would feel like having one son kill another son. I guess I will keep my fun problems. But I am ever more appreciative of Eve and what it  took to eat that fruit. She was welcoming problems into her life so she could grow and so could we. So I guess I will have to start again doing Step 4--tomorrow. I think I will review the vulnerability video I posted a while ago.

I really liked General Conference this past weekend. Some really great talks. I liked President Packer's talk, "John let it go." I was really looking forward to Elder Scott's talk, but all I did was cry during it. Thinking how lucky his wife was to have someone love her so much. Pathetic I know, but I just couldn't stop. Well enough rambling for now. I need to go switch the wash.

Weeding

There is something about working in the yard that is soothing to my soul. It gives me time to just think. Nobody bothers me, the time is my own. As I pull the weeds I feel as if I'm clearing out the junk in my life if just for that brief moment in time. For that moment I feel as if life is in balance and I have a bit of control. Guess it is a good thing that I have a ton of weeds to pull.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard this song. I absolutely love it. I love anything that reminds me to have hope and rely on God. Enjoy.

Step 4-Truth

Happy April Fools Day!
New month, new step. Step 4-Truth:

Key Principle: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves.

This step last time was a little scary. Did I really want to get to know myself? I spent months on this step. This time I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm ready to really get to know me better. See what else is in my way to become who I want to become. Brigham Young said: "The greatest lesson you can learn is to know yourselves." Well this step really helps.

Action step for today: Get a journal, make it pretty and find a place to put it away from others eyes.
Writing plays a big part in step four for me.
Have a great day!