Sins Begin As Thoughts

In my scripture study today I was reading in Jacob 2. Verse five really struck me.

But behold, hearken ye unto me, and know that by the help of the all-powerful Creator of heaven and earth I can tell you concerning your ^athoughts, how that ye are beginning to labor in sin, which sin appeareth very abominable unto me, yea, and abominable unto God.

Our sins start with our thoughts. I know when I get depressed and down it all begins with my thoughts. My husband gets sucked into his addiction with his thoughts. I need to control my thoughts instead of my thoughts controlling me.  My mantra for the day.

Day 30: Love Brings Unity

Isolate one area of division in your marriage and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

 A lot of these dares tell us to pray, which I think is a good thing. I believe prayer transforms a person. These dares may not make a difference in my husbands thinking but they do make a difference in mine. Prayer can help bring  our eyes into focus.

Day 29: Love's Motivation

Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I Love You," then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person--unconditionally, the way he loves both of you.

This is a thought provoking dare. What motivates me to love my husband? Is it my husband? Sometimes, but a lot of the time it has been the complete opposite, so I can't rely on that motivation. Love out of duty? I did that for a while but that doesn't last long enough to have a marriage. I need a love motivated by God. I usually pray to love my husband, to see him as God sees him and that has been a miracle in my life. I have been able to see the great things about my husband and hold onto that in the tough times.

We love our children, even when they make very bad choices. We may not trust them, but we love them. This we must do with our husbands. Love them, they have lost our trust through their actions and lies but that they will have to earn back. But they shouldn't have to earn our love. God loves us unconditionally, both of us. Since I'm not perfect, that's why I have to pray for his help to love. The great thing is, he has given it to me. A gift.

What Do I Want To Become?

I was reading another chapter in "He Restoreth My Soul" today Chapter 13 "Cerebral Software." This is chapter has steps to help overcome the addiction. I related to this step because it is something that I can apply to me.
The first step was to have the addict visualize what there life would be without the addiction. Then if they can see they need recovery to ask themselves the following three questions.

1. What do you want?
2. What are you willing to do?
3. How far are you willing to go?

These are great questions. They could be applied to any addiction, compulsive eating, shopping, being a co-dependent etc. What kind of person do I want to be? What am I willing to do to become that person? How far am I willing to go to become that person? If I'm not willing to do much in questions two or three, then I didn't want what I wanted in question 1 bad enough. 

As  I go through the twelve steps, I peel of layers of myself that I had buried for a long time, in order to feel safe. So I am rediscovering myself. But it is also a time that I can reinvent myself. That is why I like these questions. What do I really want? I need to think about that for a while.

Day 28: Love Makes Sacrifices

What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

What kind of spouse do I want to be. Regardless of how my spouse treats or thinks of me, what do I want to become. This experience really helps you decide what you are going to be made of. What you are going to be like. Am I going to live my life an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth? Or am I going to "turn the other cheek"?  Am I  going to remember "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

Love Encourages

Day 27: Love Encourages

Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love. 

 This is the hardest one for me so far. My weakness is I expect perfection of myself and therefore project that onto my family. That isn't fair to anyone. I'm glad I'm doing the dare again. I needed to be reminded of this. Get the mote out of my own eye. It is easy to rebel when you think someone has put unrealistic expectations on you. I know I do that. But not doing this anymore is easier said than done. Any ideas? This is where I am going to really dig deep within myself and go to God constantly. This has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. I am better than I used to be but not good enough. (Guess I even need to be perfect about this. Ha ha.) I scripture I'm going to focus on today and for a while is 1Thessalonians 5:11,14

Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. ...be patient toward all men.

I even need to be patient with myself.

 

Needing God

Day 26: Love is Responsible

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

As you work through the 12 steps, you do this. Then in a later step you do it on a continuing basis, which is better than waiting and storing up things you need to apologize for. Better to do it as soon as you recognize what you did  wrong. Much easier to do that way. Pride is a big stumbling block in marriages. No-one ever wants to admit that they did something wrong. That we are less than perfect. But we are less than perfect. If we weren't, we wouldn't need God. Boy do I  need God. This journey has been incredibly humbling and it keeps being so. But on the good side I am finding myself and God.

I love this quote, actually the entire talk is great. It gives me hope which is what step 2 is all about.

There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, "No one understands. No one knows." No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, and succor--literally run to us--and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.  David A Bednar BYU Devotional, "In the strength of the Lord"  Link

Love Forgives

Today's dare could possibly be the hardest one in the book. Luckily the 12 Steps don't start out with this because, frankly you have to grow into it.

Day 25: Love Forgives

Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "Forgive us our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

I remember when I was in middle school there was a boy in my neighborhood that was very rude and mean to me. I hated him. I couldn't stand being on the same planet with him. I was so angry at him and held onto that for a while. Then I realized that my anger wasn't doing anything to hurt him, just me. It was physically making me sick. So I prayed for help in not hating him any more. I remember when I finally forgave him. I finally felt better. I think that experience was a tender mercy from God. It helped me with being able to forgive my husband.

This addiction really tests you. You really find out what your made of and your relationship with God. I think forgiving someone takes a huge amount of faith. You are turning the issue over to God to deal with. We don't have to worry about the fairness of it, or if they will be punished. That isn't our problem. That's what God is for. We forgive so we can become Christ like. That is how we turn our burden over to him. The peace and the freedom that comes from forgiving someone is amazing. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father has helped me to forgive my husband. I couldn't do it on my own, but with his help I can do anything. The sad thing about this addiction is we get lots of practice at forgiving. It's not something that is stopped when they first decide they want to quit. But since we aren't perfect either, we need God to forgive us over and over too.

Love vs. Lust

I have to say I read todays Love Dare chapter and wished by husband would read it. Maybe one day he will. But I'm not going to hold my breath. Well here it is so you know what I am talking about.

Day 24: Love Vs. Lust

End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed--today--and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

 So I was thinking what do I lust for. Lust had bad connotations but if its just longing for then I do lust for things. I want my bathroom redone so I can use it. I want my kitchen redone, because I hate it. It isn't as usable as I want and everything is starting to break. So I need to go back to being grateful with what I have. I have other bathrooms to use. Not everything in my kitchen is broken. But I'm not sure this consumes me like pornography addiction consumes the addict that is in it. But does that make it okay for me no.

Today in our family scripture study we were talking about Matthew 5 and how Christ expects us to live a higher law than the world. For instance the world- no adultery. Christ --no looking with lust. The world embraces lust. Look at the advertising world, it throws it in your face. Lusting for things and people has become the norm instead of the exception. I have to say I would watch HGTV and lust after those beautiful kitchens. We recently got rid of cable and don't even have any TV channels right now. I don't miss it a bit. That really helps me. So again today I will focus on being grateful for what I have.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Some days are there to just teach us that we need to depend on God. To remind me I am nothing without him. Yesterday was such a day. I'm glad its over and I am ready for today.

Day 23: Love Always Protects

Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

This got me thinking. When does my heart start to turn away from my spouse? It is when I start to focus on what he is lacking instead of his many good qualities. When I am in an "attitude of gratitude" frame of  mind, I have hope. This is what I need to start the healing process. It is so easy to slip in the quagmire of despair when I loose site of what blessings I have been given. The many tender mercies the Lord gives me to remind me he is there and cares about me. I think Satan loves it when I focus on the negative. Then I am more open to destroying the family unit. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of that. He has already had to much pleasure at our families expense.

I think gratitude is a vital ingredient in Step 2. Believing that God can restore us to complete spiritual and emotional health. When we are grateful we open ourselves up to what God has in store for us. When we are ungrateful we are shutting him out of our life. Yesterday, I slipped back into my old pattern of trying to control my husband. I didn't like myself. That isn't who I want to be. That isn't who I am going to be. I had to let go and let God. Then I started to feel hope and gratitude. But when I was in the funk I felt awful and dark. I love these steps. They help me to stay focused and get out of my funky mood more quickly.

So today I am going to be grateful for everything God has given me. There is a reason for it all.

Love is Faithful

Day 22: Love is Faithful

Love is a choice, not a feeling. If is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I Love You. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

I needed this one today. Some days you just wake up and it gets started out on the wrong foot and you need to be reminded of what is important. One of my triggers for my funky moods is being really tired. Well I am really, really tired.  So this step is a good reminder of who I want to be. I want to be a loving person no matter what. Even when it is not returned. I think that is the hardest time of all. So I did it. Said it to my loving husband and he smiled. I think he thinks I'm nuts sometimes. Well, I am.

Focus on the Important

Day 21: Love is Satisfied in God

Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (There are thirty-one--a full month's supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.

I love this challenge. Without God we are nothing. This helps me to focus on what is most important. I like the phrase walk with Him. That's what I want. To be comfortable enough with God to walk with Him, talk to Him and learn from Him. Enjoy your journey.

Porn is a Drug

I just finished reading chapter 6 "It is a drug," in the book He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD. I can't say I understood it all as I'm  not a medical person but this is what I did get.

• Pornography addiction causes a "frontal lobe syndrome," or a shrinkage in the frontal control areas of the brain--like a traumatic brain injury.
• With abstinence the brain can heal and regain its size. 
• With pornography addicts are using adrenaline, dopamine and other powerful brain drugs without a prescription. Porn is a form of prescription drug abuse.
• "Patrick Carnes describes grief as on stage of recovery, where the addicted person actually feels emptiness when saying "goodbye" to his old friend, the addiction. It maybe the combination of craving for dopamine and yearning for oxytocin-bonded pornography, among other things, that pushes the person to act out and view pornography."
• To the person addicted to porn, sex becomes their primary focus and life gets in the way of doing the only thing they want to do--view porn.
• Sexual addiction causes more extensive atrophy of the brain than drugs. Sexual addictions are harder to overcome than drug addictions.
• Porn addicts learning and memory areas of the brain are effected. They become less focused at work or school.
• All addictions behavioral patterns of deceit and cyclic acting out are similar. Loved ones of addicts experience similar frustrations.
• Porn addicts have withdrawal symptoms. During the first few weeks of abstinence they may experience, headaches, irritability, restlessness, sleeplessness, anxiety among other things. These symptoms are relentless which can lead to a relapse, followed by despair and depression. Hence it is only a temporary fix.

So in summary:

1. "In a sense, the 'brake pads' of the brain wear out, and the person runs through important 'stop signs.'"
2. "Simple pleasures aren't enough anymore, and the person must act out in addiction to get back to this "new normal" state."
3. "Thus the pornography experience becomes a virtual mistress, and provides another tether which must be addressed to heal."

I really recommend getting the book to get all the details. It was enlightening. This isn't just something they can use willpower to overcome. They need help to recover, and so do we. Reading this has explained things I had observed in my husband and wondered how could he think like that? Now I know. He has shrunk his brain.

This is why the twelve steps are so important. They help us to realize that we need God help. This is bigger than us. Step 2: Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual and emotional health. We need divine help.

"Only He can give us power, knowledge, peace, and joy. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone--without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair."  Lawrence E. Corbridge, "The Way" Ensign Nov. 2008

Day 20: Love Is Jesus Christ

Dare to take God at his word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection.Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace. 

I will change this a bit for me. I will pray to Heavenly Father instead of Jesus and ask what he would have me do etc.

Love is Impossible

Lunch yesterday was nice, but too short. Dinner would have been better if we could have. Next time I will make sure we do a dinner. Then you have more time to talk and slip in questions, which can be very interesting.

Day 19: Love is Impossible

Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to  you? Have you realized your  need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

When I first read Love is Impossible, I thought, what do you mean I can love. It was referring to unconditional love, which you need God to help you achieve. This I believe. God can help us love when we don't know if we want to or  not. I pray daily to love my husband.  When I first started doing this I wasn't sure if I wanted to love him anymore. Now however, I love him more than I ever have. I see the good in him more now. God gives us gifts if we ask for them.

Seek to Understand

Day 18: Love Seeks to Understand

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

Well I should have read ahead. Wednesday  night, dinner won't work for the two of us. So I'll try to take him out to lunch. In the book "The Love Dare,"  it talks about getting to know and understand your spouse. How well do we know them, a college degree, a master degree or ultimately a doctorate degree? I don't know how well I know my spouse because he has hidden a big portion of it from me for so long. I'm not sure how well he even knows himself. So I keep on trying. It has some questions in the back of the book you can use to get started. Here are some of them:

• What is your greatest hope or dream?
• What do you enjoy the most about your life right now?
• What three things would you like to do before the next year passes?
• If you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be and why?
• Of the following things, what would make you feel most love?
• Having your body massaged and caressed for an hour.
• Sitting and talking for an hour about your favorite subject.
• Having help around the house for an afternoon.
• Receiving a very nice gift.
• Hearing encouragement about how appreciated you are.
• What is the next major decision that you think God would want us to make as a couple?
• What words would you like to hear from me more often?

The Bible says, "The ear of the wise seeks knowledge" (Proverbs 18:15) So therefore I seek knowledge about my spouse. 

The final C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

     12. I welcome the fervent hope that "in Christ there [will] come every good thing" regardless of what lies ahead in my future. (Moro. 7:22)

This seems to boil down to having faith. You can trust God if you have faith in him. Faith that everything will work out for me even if I can't see that know. Let go of the worry, do the best I can. Learn and grow and what will happen will happen, but I will be able to handle it with Gods help. Good news, I don't have to waste time worrying. Worrying doesn't solve anything anyway. This is really a freeing step.

Love Promotes Intimacy

Yesterday was a  nice day. I didn't have to make dinner, so that is always nice. My husband BBQ steaks, grilled veges and portabello mushrooms also sauted asparagus in garlic, with baked potatoes and potato butter. It was delicious. He is an amazing cook. The entire family loved it.

Day 17: Love Promotes Intimacy

Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

This is the interesting thing about pornography. The addiction feeds on secrecy. They lie about it. They withdraw from people. They are pretty much loners when they are deep into the addiction. So it is good for them to share their "secret" with somebody. I haven't told my family because I don't think they would understand and still love. Maybe they would, but they have made comments in the past about men who view pornography that leads me to this conclusion. So I feel it isn't safe to share with them. So this secret is a family secret. Not really healthy. But I keep it to protect my family. It stinks though, because then you feel isolated and alone in this mess. That is one reason why I love the support group for women. We can all relate to one another and not feel so alone. This helps me in loving my spouse in spite of his addiction.

I hope that my loving my husband unconditionally will one day provide that emotional intimacy that I want in my marriage. That he will trust that I really love him, then one day he will love me.

This leads to the 11th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing:
           11. I can seek healing (recovery) and guidance from the Lord for myself and follow His plan for me.


The key for me on this step is to seek guidance. The listening for Heavenly Father to talk to me has always been hard. I have a hard time to stop and listen. It has been getting better. Since I have been devoting more of my day to the Lord, I've been given more insights and promptings. This time I am listening and then acting on them. I have found the more I do what I feel I'm supposed to, the more I keep getting prompted. This reminds me of the time my oldest son was young around eight or so he had a question and I told him to pray and ask Heavenly Father, but to make sure he stopped and listened. So he started praying and he asked his question then paused for a minute and he got an answer and then he listened some more and God kept talking to him. He finally asked me how he could turn God off. But I don't want to turn him off. He is leading me on this journey of healing.

"Love Intercedes"

Yesterday was a nice day. Weather was great, church was good family time enjoyable and PASG group meeting was good. We missed all who weren't there.

Happy Valentines Day! Last year my husband had a bouquet of flowers delivered. I was totally shocked. So unlike him. The fact that he planned ahead, shocking. Which was a good thing because he had an accident before Valentines day and had to have surgery so he wouldn't of been able to go get anything. I really think it was another tender mercy from God. Reminding me he is aware of me and loves me. Today my husband said he will do dinner so I am just going to do dessert. Yea!

The 10th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing:

     10.  I can avoid setting my own expectations about the future that negatively influence my emotional and spiritual health. I trust the future to God. 

This is another tough one. I have a tendency to have high expectations for people including myself and since I can't control anyone but myself. These expectations aren't met with real frequency. Which then leads to a myriad of negative feelings and emotions, which in turn effects my spiritual health. So I had to stop. I was driving myself crazy. I had to accept that my timeline isn't God's, so it isn't the best. I had to learn to trust. That is hard when people you thought you could trust completely let you down. Then I questioned why did God have me marry this man etc.. I had to start to trust again. Who better to start trusting than God. He is perfect and all knowing. So I started with him. I feel a peace now that things will work out the way they are supposed to, whatever that is, if I do what I know I am supposed to do. That no matter what happens, I will be okay. That is such a peaceful thought. I didn't used to feel that. I felt my life was complete chaos and I was sinking in a quagmire of despair.
So for me trusting God was freeing.

So trusting God makes today's Love Dare much easier.

Day 16: Love Intercedes

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

I like the idea of praying for his heart. Frankly I believe the only way for him to beat his addiction is to have a change of heart. That is the only thing that is going to help him to hang on when it is tough and give him the strength to endure. When he is trying to do it himself, he will fail. He has. I don't know how  many times he has tried to break this addiction, countless. He needs God's help.  I have been praying and asking Heavenly Father to help him in the ways that he needs. Today I will pray for a change of heart among other things. I do believe in miracles. I've been seeing them along the way. I just wanted a big one right away. But now I know that wouldn't of helped me, or him.

Boundaries

I haven't been very good about setting boundaries with my husband or my oldest son for that matter. I'm not sure why. Probably fear, shame and guilt. But I am getting better at this as I feel better about myself. I told my son if he didn't follow the standards of our family he had to move out. Yesterday we helped him move out to his own apartment. Also a couple of weeks ago I told my husband that if he wasn't home by midnight he must sleep on the couch. I had to change it to in the bedroom by midnight. This boundary has helped me a lot. I sleep better. Whether he is on the couch or in bed. I don't wonder when he will come and be woken up should I be asleep when he come. I pray for him and go to bed. One thing I have found out about boundaries is that you need to be willing to do them. You can't set them and then not do them. Especially with kids, they will take advantage of you really quickly. So this leads to the next C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.


     9. I can establish healthy emotional and physical boundaries for myself and my loved ones.


Love Dare


Yesterday was a good day. I spent the afternoon with my husband moving our son and having dinner and a movie. Which was what he wanted to do veg.


Day 15: Love is Honorable

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way  you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Honor is to hold in high estimation, to respect and treat with the highest veneration in words and actions. So this is a good day for me to pay attention to how I treat my husband. Does he feel special and respected around me? Does he feel loved? If we love someone we treat them with honor whether they accept it or not. I like the last paragraph of this section in "The Love Dare" pg. 73

But when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same. That's what love dares to do--say, "Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most. Of all the things I'm willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you. With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults--past and present--I still choose to love and honor  you." That's how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled. That's how you lead your  heart to truly love your mate again. And that's the beauty of honor.

I'm reading still in "He Restoreth My Soul" chapter 6 It Is A Drug! Very interesting I'll write more on that later when I'm done, but I thought the opening quote was interesting so I will share it here.

With advent of the computer, the delivery system for this addictive stimulus has become nearly resistance-free. It is as though we have devised a form of heroin 100 times more powerful than before, usable in the privacy of one's own home and injected directly to the brain through the eyes. It's now available in unlimited supply via a self-replicating distribution network, glorified as art and protected by the Constitution. 

My Responsibility

It is my choice and my responsibility to heal and make a better life for me. It is not dependent on my husbands recovery or my children's moods or the state of the economy. Improvement in those areas would make it easier but I'm not so sure it would make it so long lasting. I don't grow nearly so much when life is going smoothly as when it is tough. Hence I need the refiners fire. This leads  me to the 8th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

8. I can come to accept that it is my responsibility with the help of my Father in Heaven to discover what I need to do to heal and recover.

I have learned that I need Heavenly Fathers help. I don't just want it, but I need it like I need air to breathe. I can't live with out either. I have tried to do this on my own and it just doesn't work. I needed to humble myself and plead with God for the strength to go on. It is definitely worth the work.

Now for the Love Dare. Yesterday was good. I was glad I had written down my rules. It comes in handy with all my relationships.

Day 14: Love Takes Delight

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together.

This one will be good. It is good to spend time together. I have gotten so used to being by myself, that I'm comfortable with that. So making time to be with my husband will be good for us both. This is also a good day to remember why you fell in love with them and married them in the first place. I like these quotes from The Love Dare book:

In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open. 

Again, you get to choose what you treasure.

So today I choose to love and treasure my husband.

I'm Out

Yesterday I was at a friends and somehow during the conversation she asked if my husband had a problem with pornography. I felt as if I was kicked in the stomach and lost all the air inside of me. I said yes. This is the first person outside of my Bishops, counseling and group I have told. I felt a little bit of relief, someone now I can really be myself with and fear. What will she think of me and my family now. All my shameful feelings come flooding into my body uncontrolled. I had to take another look at me and where I am and where I want to go. I feel it was the right thing to do. So I'll let go of my fear and focus on trusting God.

This goes nicely with the 7th C of Emotional and Spiritual Healing.

7. I can learn to let go of my negative emotions and efforts to control, rescue or shame so that I will quit harming myself and others around me through destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest ones for me to work on. My negative emotions, thoughts have been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time thinking good about myself. My Mom always was down on herself and my Dad. So negative thinking is one of my earliest memories. Which scares me. Are my kids just going to remember me for being negative? I hope not. Well at least I have a  chance with the youngest.

This morning I was reading in "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie and she quoted one lady: "I want people to be like  me, so I can feel safer, acknowledged, and affirmed. To me, recovery is about feeling safe with myself."  That hit me. Was that why I had wanted my kids to be like me? To feel validated? To feel safe? The subconscious can do things we aren't aware of. I've been working on this for a while. But I have to really work at it and remind myself all the time. Let go and let God.

Love Dare Day 13--Love Fights Fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "Fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

I wrote my rules, because I intend to go by them in addition to any if any, we establish as a couple. So I'll share.

• I will not yell.
• I will listen to try to understand what he is really saying. Ask questions to clarify.
• I will make sure I'm not working on pride. Is my opinion necessary for me to attain my spiritual goals? is is worth the "fight?"
• I will take a time out if I don't feel emotionally safe. Then I will do what I  need to feel emotionally strong then go back and address the issue. I will make sure he understands I need a time out and will set a time to come back. 

I actually have been doing these things the past few months and it has made things much nicer. But now I've written it down so I can see what I am doing.

Yesterdays dare didn't get to test it. Didn't really see my husband all day. So no disagreement. I will say he came home fixed dinner brought it up to our room at 11:58pm so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. That's progress of sorts. 

Have a great day!

I Don't Always Need To Be Right

    

 Yesterday was a good day. Reminding myself that my husbands recovery is his responsibility, I did much better.
The next C is:

 6. I can choose to avoid continually focusing on my loved one's recovery journey because it can interfere with my own healing journey

This is so true. If I focus constantly on my husband I can't focus on myself very well. So I'll love him and pray for him, but I'm not going to obsess over it. When I have, all I have done is drive myself crazy and get those unmanageable thoughts mentioned in Step 1 of the Twelve Steps.

I think this goes alone with today's Love Dare. "Love Lets the Other Win"
Day 12 Dare:

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

I'll tell you this used to be so hard for me. I couldn't let him win an argument. My way was better than his. Boy I was prideful. Then one day I read something and I can't remember what it was from but the gist of it was, "You can always be right, or you can be happy but not both."  Well the more I thought about it, the  more I thought it was brilliant. Most of the things we argued over were minor unimportant. It didn't matter whose opinion we took. In the eternal scheme of things it didn't matter. If I kept clinging stubbornly to my opinion, I didn't really listen to his opinion, which deprived him of feelings of worth and also deprived myself of the opportunity to grow. It didn't provide a harmonious marriage or  home. So I stopped arguing and pushing my opinions on my husband. Was it hard? You better believe it. It had become a habit. That was how my parents communicated about everything. It was second nature. Was it worth it? Oh, a million times over. Since I'm not always pushing my way all the time, he is listening to me now. What a bonus. The peace level in our home has gone up dramatically. Do I slip up? Yes, but I catch myself much faster now. I've learned that I'm not always as right as I thought I was. Go figure.

Twelve C's part 2

I'm a little sad. My husband has chosen to do his "part time job" on the night he goes to LifeStar. So no LifeStar this month. He said he is putting his recovery on the back burner while he "figures out" what he thinks of our relationship and what he should do. Okay, I translate that as meaning he doesn't care about his addiction right now. He can use it as an excuse to view. Who knows, this leads me to C number 5.
    
     5. I can come to recognize that the recovery process of those in addiction is their choice and responsibility.


Yes it's their choice and responsibility, but I sure wish I could move it alone. See the co-dependent side of me coming out. I will just love him anyway. Learn what I can and pray. Yesterday, I was feeling lonely, unloved and vulnerable. I went to the store to get the stuff I was giving my husband for yesterdays dare. I was in a lone line to check out and I guy came over from another department and said he would check me out. I  have been to this store a lot and I have never seen this happen. So anyway on the way home I felt this peace settle over me and I felt loved. This was a tender mercy from God reminding me that he is aware of me and what I am going through. I needed that at that time. God  is Great!

Found an interesting article about how harmful pornography is and another website I'll add to my list.
http://www.cwfa.org/content.asp?id=18701
Have a great day!

"Love Cherishes"

Yesterday I went and bought my husband his condiments I guess you would call them, green olives, peppers and pickles. These are just a few of the things he "needs" to be happy. I don't like them but hey, it makes him happy.

Day 11 Dare:

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it  with a smile.

 In Mark 10: 51 Jesus asks, "What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?" Guess I can ask my  husband what I can do for him today?

"Love is Unconditional"

Day 10 Love Dare:

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

This addiction really shows you need unconditional love. If you just love your spouse when its easy and they are being who you want them to be and doing what you want them to do, its not unconditional. Don't we all crave to be loved unconditionally? Isn't that one of the reasons we love babies? They love us no matter what we do. Even if we sing to them off key they love us and accept us for who we are. I think one of the reasons our spouses get so enmeshed in pornography is they don't feel unconditional love. I know for my husband he never felt loved by his parents. Every human needs to feel loved. So I think this is a perfect challenge for me to show my  husband I love him in spite of  his faults. I have faults and I want to be unconditionally loved too. "The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love." The Love Dare pg. 46


I really believe love is a choice. Once the infatuation wears off you need to decide to love that person and work at it.This is Christ  like love. He loves us regardless of what we do. He is a loving person. We must become a loving person too. In this I know I need the Lords help.

Twelve C's of Emotional and Spiritual Healing 1-4

As I was working on Step 2 this morning I came to the Twelve C's of Emotional and Spiritual Healing. Well I got to the 4th C and I may spend some time on this one. So here are the first 4 C's.

1. I come to understand that I didn't cause the addiction.
2. I come to realize that I can't control my loved one or their addictive behaviors.
3. I can come to accept that I can't cure the addiction.   However...
4. I can become aware of the challenges of addiction and the recovery process involved (length of time, relapses, etc.).

So I am going to reeducate myself about the addiction again. You forget things,so I'm going to study again.  I started reading  again the book, "He Restoreth My Soul" by Donald L. Hilton Jr. M.D.. It is a really good book for helping you understand the addiction and how it affects the brain. I had many aha moments when reading it the first time. I was more of an emotional wreak last time I read it, so I think I will get even more out of it this time around. I like the fact that he tells it like it is and doesn't sugar coat it for the men. Some quotes from the book I like:

"the perspective of the person acting out in addiction is progressively constricted until nothing exists but obsession." 

"Addiction is the very definition of selfishness..."

"As pleasure centers are abused and damaged, normal pleasures become less recognized by the brain as desirable. Relationships are devalued in the addicted person's warped new world.... Values change to accommodate the need to sate voracious desire, and spirituality is one of the first casualties. honesty is disregarded; lies are rationalized as necessary to protect the innocent." pp10,11

"As resistance evaporates, the time between one viewing of pornography and the next lessons. Their world becomes completely sexualized. Brain chemicals and the adversary synergistcally act in an unholy alliance of soul-searing destruction." pg. 11

This so described what I witnessed in my husband but what I couldn't explain. I thought he was loosing his mind. He was but in a way I  couldn't relate to or understand. It was good to learn about the addictive cycle.

1. Preoccupation
2. Ritualization
3. Acting Out
4. Despair--shame, guilt which leads to secrecy and deception and pride, he can fix himself.

We as spouses can feel when they have gone through the cycle. Our radar seems to be flashing. Problem, Problem! How could they do it again. But they do. They will never get over this addiction until they get outside help and come to the Savior. I think that is hard at first for them because of all the shame.

Another interesting part Dr. Hilton talked about were the four stages of escalation, based on a study by Dr. Victor Cline.

1. Addiction
2. Escalation
3. Desensitization
4. Acting Out Sexually

http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/porn/pornlds/pornldsauthor/links/victorcline/porneffect.htm You can read about it here. I thought it was interested if not a little scary.

I think if I am aware of what my husband is going through I will be more understanding of the challenges and be able to help him the way he needs me to. Also to be able to protect my kids and myself better. I hate pornography! There is not one thing redeeming about it. But this is one of Satan's greatest tools to break apart the family and we can't stick our heads in the sand and pretend it isn't there.

"Love Makes Good Impressions"

Yesterday worked good except I couldn't get the  negative list to burn very well, so I shredded it. Thanked him for learning to control his anger, which has been a wonderful miracle. I asked him what made him start and he said what I told him. He didn't know it had got so bad. Hey he listened to me.

Day 9 Dare:

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

 This reminds me of a Gary Smalley video I saw. He pulled out a Stradivarius violin and the audience goes ah. He had someone come up and hold it and they took it with the greatest of care and respect. Then he compared that to how we treat our spouse. When we see them to we get excited. Treat them like a valuable Stratovarius violin, after all they are a child of God. That is even more valuable.

So today I'm going to greet my spouse as if he is the greatest man on earth. He should be to me anyway right?
Let's see how they react.

Love is Not Jealous

Day 8 Dare:

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

 Have I ever been jealous of my husband? Well, I have been jealous that he gets to have adult conversations all day while I only had kids. Then I got over that. He used to call during the day to see how everything was going and that helped. Then I realized how lucky I was to be able to stay home with my kids all day.

Then I was jealous of the attention he gives those lovely porn stars. Then I realized they must have pretty pathetic lives to have to sell there bodies like that. And pretty sad that my husband turned to them to feel love. We saw a documentary about porn and it effects etc. They are trying to get legislation so we can block all porn from our homes if we choose. That would be awesome.  It also showed the life of these porn stars yuck. Not a life I would want. Here is the trailer for the movie. It was very interesting.

Last time I did this dare I burned the list then I tried from that point on to focus on his positive traits. I wasn't always successful but just burning it and making that commitment helped me a lot. I look forward to doing it again. Today I will be my husbands biggest fan. Have a great day!

"Love Believes the Best"

Yesterday was good. I didn't get irritable. I made my husband oatmeal raisin cookies that he loves. Pulled up the carpet in my craft room. Good day, although he had to sleep on the couch again. Up working too late.

Day 7: Love Believes the Best

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

The first time I did this the negative list was long. It took me a while to come up with things for the positive list. That is because I was hurt and I had been dwelling on his negative traits all the time. I forgot to look at his positive traits. So I went back to  my journal and read about when we were dating before I got married. I needed to be reminded about why  I married this man in the first place. I noticed that when I focused on his faults, mine didn't seem worth thinking about. I was miserable and stuck in a dark place. So I decided to start focusing on his positive qualities of which there are a ton and work on my negative qualities. It makes it a lot easier to be nice to someone when you know they have good in them. They are more than their addiction.

When my daughter was getting married I had her write a list of everything she loved about her future husband. I told her there would come a time when she would wonder why she ever married him. That was when she needed to get the list out and read it over and over. I know Satan uses our negative thinking about each other to ruin the family.  It is hard to work on a marriage when you think your partner has no redeeming qualities. You want to give up. This I know.

This time it was easier to write the positive list. It is over twice as long as the negative list. A year ago I wouldn't have thought this is possible. Yea, I'm making progress.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phillippians 4:8

"Love is Not Irritable"

Well I never got the other two out of him yesterday. Maybe today.
Day 6 Dare:

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you  need to release from your life.

This dare really relates to spouses of addicts. It is so easy to overreact and be unloving when they relapse etc. I have found that if you do have a big reaction to his viewing it makes it worse for him instead of better. Being in control of my emotions instead of letting them control me is a faster way to emotional and spiritual health. So this works right in with step 2 also.

I know that when I am tired it is easier for me to overreact and be irritated. So I need to take care of myself. When I don't sometimes I don't even like to be near me. Everything is so intertwined. If we work on healing ourself, we are more patient and more loving, then our spouses feel safer and it is easier for them to start their healing too. So today I know I'm tired so I have to be extra careful of what I say and do. I want to be a better me. Just taking it one step at a time.

Oh foolish Woman I Can Be

Well this morning I was reading my scriptures and I read something that this time I got. I hadn't applied it to me before. Maybe because I am working on Step 2 which is God can restore us to emotional and spiritual health, that I got it. 2 Nephi 9:28-29

28O that cunning ^aplan of the evil one! O the ^bvainness, and the frailties, and the ^cfoolishness of men! When they are ^dlearned they think they are ^ewise, and they ^fhearken not unto the ^gcounsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their ^hwisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

 29But to be ^alearned is good if they ^bhearken unto the ^ccounsels of God.

 Well before I ever read the 12 steps, I tried to do everything myself. I told God what I wanted him to do when I prayed. O foolish woman that I was. I didn't listen to the counsel of God. Thought I knew enough. Well that didn't work too good for me. It is working much better when I let God direct me. I need to keep remembering this because I find it easy to slip into my old patterns if I don't pay attention.

It says the cunning plan of the evil one. Ya I guess my husband wasn't the only one falling into his trap. Satan only brings me misery. I've got to stop paying attention to the whisperings he keeps putting in  my ear. Today I will not be rude to God or me or my husband. I will let God do his work.

"Love is Not Rude"

Yesterday was a good day. I kept in mind being thoughtful all day. However, my husband didn't come up to bed until around 2am, so he found his pillow and toothbrush outside the bedroom door. This is one of my boundaries if he comes to bed after midnight. I'm not sure how this falls in with being thoughtful. Something for me to think about.

Day 5 Dare:

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

I asked him and so far he has given me only one thing. He is tired so he needs to think about it. He hates it when I say I don't need anything when he asks, because I don't want him to spend money on me. So this is something I can change. It will be interesting to see what else he comes up with.

The book "The Love Dare" has three questions we can ask ourselves to help us see where we need to improve.

1. How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?
2. How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?
3. Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?

I think these are great questions to ask ourselves about how we interact with anybody. Basically it boils down to are we being Christlike. I have a long way to go.

He Can!

With the twelve steps, Step 1 helps me realize I can't do anything about my husbands addiction. Step 2 helps me realize that only God can help my spouse and me.

Step 2: Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual and emotional health.

It seems that when I get to thinking that I'm doing okay and I'm in control. God gently reminds me I'm not. Which has happened this week for me. So I am really glad that this month I am devoting to Step 2. When I let my negative thinking take over, I feel hopeless. I need hope, we all do, or life feels pointless.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me emotionally, and God told me to write some excerpts from my journals for my husband to read. I spent a good portion of yesterday  writing parts of my journal from when I met my husband till 12 years ago. Last night I gave it to my husband to read. This morning he came to me twice and apologized for being a jerk and gave me a hug. He had forgotten how he was back then and me. It put things in a different perspective. I think that is why we need to keep journals. We forget. I read experiences with my oldest son (who is now a difficult son) and how sweet he was and loving. We  need to remember these things. They give us hope for the future.

Love is Thoughtful

Today's Dare:

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

This is easy enough. One thing about being thoughtful is to take the time to think about them and what they like and need. When we were dating they were pretty much all we thought about in a good way. With the addiction we kind of think about them, but about their weaknesses. So today I'm going to focus on the positive things about my husband and how I can get to know him better. He thinks differently than I do so I will embrace it today and not cringe at it. Today will be a great day.

"Love is Not Selfish"

Yesterday was okay. I made him breakfast in bed. He didn't come to bed last night till around 3:30 so not so great today. Oh well. todays dare:

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

Yesterday I bought him a nice cast iron dutch oven that he has been wanting. He was happy about it but asked why I got it for him. Why did I? I told him I was working on loving him. Today has been a tough day. I really need to work on loving him in spite of what he thinks of  me. Some quotes from the book which got me thinking.

Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves.

The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself.

Love also leads to inner joy.

Is it selfish to want my husband to love me? My ponder question for today.