Ramblings From a Tired Mind

The past couple of days I have become the constant companion to our washer and dryer. We are on a first name basis. The washer is Cinderella because it works so hard without complaining and the dryer is Gaston, full of hot air. Then I got to thinking, that Belle really needed to thank Gaston. Without his obnoxious self she wouldn't have realized how much she cared for the Beast. Good can come from our trials. We just need to be patient and look for it. Sometimes I think we only notice it in hindsight. As you can see, I was doing laundry way too much. At least I'm almost done. However, because of all the time doing mindless but necessary work, my mind has been running wild.

Today I wonder why I don't really enjoy starting to do Step 4.  Getting to know myself better, what is so bad about that? I decided that I didn't like it because then I would start really feeling again. And for the past 25 years the majority of the feelings hurt, especially the past six years. It is easier for me to get to a place where I can be sort of numb. It feels safer for me there. The only problem is I don't let my self feel real joy because I try to block the pain. I wonder if that state was kind of like the Garden of Eden. They didn't know joy because the didn't know pain. They could have been just in this nice comfortable blissful numb. What a leap of courage it must have taken to take that first bite of fruit, knowing that their world as they knew it would never be the same again. They would know pain, lots of it. I can't even imagine what it would feel like having one son kill another son. I guess I will keep my fun problems. But I am ever more appreciative of Eve and what it  took to eat that fruit. She was welcoming problems into her life so she could grow and so could we. So I guess I will have to start again doing Step 4--tomorrow. I think I will review the vulnerability video I posted a while ago.

I really liked General Conference this past weekend. Some really great talks. I liked President Packer's talk, "John let it go." I was really looking forward to Elder Scott's talk, but all I did was cry during it. Thinking how lucky his wife was to have someone love her so much. Pathetic I know, but I just couldn't stop. Well enough rambling for now. I need to go switch the wash.