Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up in a very conservative, christian home. Sex was not something ever talked about. This little girl thought if she was a very good little girl she would marry her prince and live happily ever after. Reality Check! That isn't how life works. Darn, but then it would be too easy. Where would the challenge be. But one can dream.
I've been married to my "prince" for over 20 years now. Around fifteen or sixteen years ago I discovered my husband was looking at pornography. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I had found the porn under our bedroom mattress. I can still see the image of that first picture I found and I feel sick.
I felt alone. I couldn't talk to anybody about this. Who would understand and not judge us. So I withdrew inside myself. I didn't reach out to be friends with anyone. They couldn't find out our secret. I didn't want to be judged. I was all alone. Then a year and a half ago I found a support group for spouses of porn addicts. They were a 12 step support group. It saved my life. That along with some counseling.
Step 12 is why I'm starting this blog. If anyone out in this big cyber world finds this blog and has a spouse with an addiction. Maybe they can find some support and hope here. This experience has been a refiners fire for me. It has helped me get to know myself, change things that need changing and accept things that need to be accepted for what they were. I have gotten closer to God than I would have ever done without this trial. That alone has made it worth it. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But good things do come from bad and miracles still happen.
I'm remaining annonymous. Only a couple of my children know about their fathers addiction. None of our extended family and none of our friends. I want to keep it that way right now. So lets call me Belle. From my favorite Disney Princess of Beauty and the Beast. My spouse will be the Beast until he is free from the chains of his pornography addiction, then he will become my prince again. Later I will post more of my story. Fill free to share yours. It's nice to know we are not alone. First names only.
Thank you for your blog! It's been almost a year since I found out about my husband's pornography addiction. There is not a spouse support group where I live. No one knows except my Mom and Dad and they live across the country. There are often times when I feel alone with no on to relate to. That is how I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for sharing your story and insights. Whenever I'm feeling down and alone, I turn to your blog for support. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I felt all alone until I found a support group. Have you thought of starting a group? The woman that started our group, did it because there wasn't one. Unfortunately, there are probably tons of woman by you that deal with this. You can always email me. myrefinersfire@gmail.com
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